Seeing Inside

An apartment, so much space. Only rich people can rent something like that in Tokyo. The TV is on, a music-channel, just as a background noise, unseen and mostly even unheard by the apartments owner. That frail man sits on his red leather-couch, his guitar cradled in his arms and he is asleep. His face looks pleasant while being asleep, really relaxed and so innocent. It had been a long day like always. Rarely seeing a sunset during the last years, he lives a different life from the normal salaryman, rushing through he streets far below him during daytime. A man, looking younger in his sleep than his 31 years. Strangely enough he looks more tired when he's awake than when he closes his eyes. His hair now almost back to is natural black, just a few tiny blond tops remain from last years blond. This hair-colour also making him seem more Japanese now. The TV casts strange reflections through the room and on the sleeping man...all alone sleeping there slightly uncomfortable. He will have a sore neck when he wakes, His dreams hidden to the world, even hidden to himself, when he wakes up they will whirl away like leafs in a sudden breeze. But his eyes look at those dreams, as he is in his REM phase. Even though it is late, actually very early, the phone rings. Very stubbornly. The man on the couch stirs and wakes slowly. Already his neck is feeling sore. His eyes refuse to open and he is almost blindly reaching for the phone. "Hai?" he mumbles very tired and unclear. There is the noise of a party or something like that on the other end of the line. All of his limbs feel so heavy, the gravity taking it's toll on him more harshly than at daytime. He sinks down to the floor, still listening and waiting for the other someone to say something. /Maybe I should hang up and get back to sleep?/ he wonders, even to tired to think properly. Still there is nothing but noise. He stands up, aiming to put the receiver back on. "Tetsu?" a voice suddenly asks. Well, that is his name. He puts the receiver back to his ear. "Hai?" The voice is dark, but doesn't really ring a bell. "This is Sakura." The frail man freezes, tiredness forgotten Shock and surprise make his voice sound meek. "Saku...ra?" he asks. /Just hang up./ he thinks, but before he can do that, the other man speaks. "I..I wanted to talk to you, Tetsu." Tetsu's eyebrows rush together. Memories rush through his brain. Unsorted emotions, buried under stress, repression and work well up and make him feel confused. Anger, pain and so much grief float through him. Keeping a tight grip on him. "Why?" "I wanted to see how you were doing." The voice of the other man sounds insecure. "Why?" That seems to be glowing inside his head, this word... he had asked himself this question too many times to count already. "Tetsu...I really want to talk to you...Would you agree to meet me?" What can he answer? What? "Why?" he repeats stupidly. "Tetsu..." the other man begs. This small man at the phone in his large but lonely apartment can be mild hearted, but he can be stubborn as well. "I don't know..." he finally admits, for his inner self is in turmoil. "Just a meeting. In a public place." Public means open to anyone who recognises him as the leader of L'Arc en Ciel. But there is this Raamen-Shop, where only the tired salarymen go to slurp their noodles. "There is this Raamen shop..." he begins. /What was the address again?/ He stutters out the address and thinks that he must be crazy to agree to meet this man. Sa-Ku-Ra...saaaaa-kuuuuu-raaaaaa... A picture of a dark man, laughing and smoking, sitting next to Hyde is displayed inside his brain. "Okay, Tetsu. How about 7?" Tetsu makes a little agreeing noise. He probably has an appointment at that time, agrees none the less. "Thank you very much, Tetsu. I'm glad you agreed." Well the small man is not really glad, just surprised about himself. Helpless with his own decision made against common sense he can just urge out a "..hai..." then he hangs up, unable to take another word from that man. /What the hell have I done now?/ He is unable to sleep now, his neck still sore and his mind on the run. Emotions, buried deep within keep him awake, coming up like corpses thrown into water come up after some time. /I have never been so close to Sakura as Ken and Hyde have been... Why does he want to talk to me now? What does he want from me? Forgiveness?/ He buries his face in his hands. /I can't grant him that. I just cannot./ What does this man want. /You know very well, you've been fooling yourself when you said, you didn't know anything g about Sakura's addiction./ His inner voice preaches to himself. That is true. He had known, that the drummer was taking drugs. He had seen Sakura change, becoming a haunted shell sometimes, overflowing with charm and flirting around like there was no tomorrow on other occasions. He hadn't been like that before. And this band-leader was not dump. He knew there were drugs involved. He knew about it and even confronted the drummer with the always present sunglasses about it. "I want you to stop!" he had said. "Stop what, oh great leader?" "The drugs. Stop taking them. I don't care how, but stop it!" The dark and handsome man smirked full of contempt for the frail man staring at him, seriously and intensely. "Drugs? What are you talking about, te-chan?" A fitting name for a man like him. "You know very well what I'm talking about!" the man with the red-brown hair and the silly shoes had confronted him. "No idea." The smaller man bit his lower lip, a sign of joy but also a sign of restricted anger. "Sakura. I AM still the leader. I want you to stop your taking drugs now. Do you understand?" Sakura had laughed and turned the little angry man down. He had left him standing in the dressing room, leaving to take some drinks...and a few women, if he should find some suitable ones. That was then. Sakura didn't quit drugs, he just went on to the more expensive ones. Tetsu felt anger and betrayal when he thought about Sakura. And still there had been times... They had laughed all night long and played tricks on each other. More like children playing.... Brothers maybe... A family away from their families back in Oosaka. A glorious and shining time, like a beam lightning the way to a greater goal accomplished in their music. How could that have faded into such a cold and lonely feeling? Why weren't those bonds strong enough to make Sakura stop taking drugs? He had believed... so strongly believed...that he could make the drummer stop. Why wasn't he able to reach Sakura and make him stop before he was caught? Just why did he fail so badly? Why? He had taken the full responsibility and ask them to let Sakura stay. But all the people who had something to say refused and told him to kick their drummer out. So he had to visit Sakura, with a beating heart and on the brink of a nervous breakdown. The drummer appeared pale and worn out... his body lacking the usual liveliness... his face so full of grief it caused Tetsu to take the other man in his arms. Staying at home under a curfew had caused a lack of sleep and he was in need of drugs. But it was a perfectly relieving moment when he felt the arms of the slender man around him. /How can he be so strong?/ the drummer wondered. But when he felt Tetsu withdraw that confidence in his band-leader vanished. "Sakura..." the younger man began. Leaving L'Arc? Was that, what Tetsu was trying to say? No doubt. He was being kicked out by this shadow of a man. How could he be so small? How could he be so weak? "I'm out, right?" Sakura said the words since Tetsu was simply unable to urge them out. Tetsu nodded weakly, like a coward. Well, he was a coward, not strong at all. Tetsu read Sakuras thoughts in his face. Disgust and pure hate. A little fresh hurt too. "I'm so sorry." Tetsu whispered. It wasn't his decision, but he had to go along with it if he wouldn't want to lose the one important thing in his life: his band. And he had felt like Sakura had become a complete stranger to him during the last weeks before being caught. But still he had felt the need to protect their drummer. He was part of L'Arc. Therefore he was a part of Tetsu's self. It was hard and unfair... Tearing him apart, leaving him bleeding and fallen from grace reflected the dark eyes of the man standing before him. Tetsu gulped and cast his gaze to the ground. This was it... this was the time to prove that he could take something like this and still go on. And he felt like he was the most hateworthy and lonely person in the world. "What are you still doing here, oh strong and brave leader?" the cold and disappointed voice of the drummer cut into Tetsu. "GO!" the dark and brooding man shouted and turned his back on Tetsu. "GO! Who needs L'Arc anyway?" Tetsu heard the words and couldn't believe them. "Leave! Now! I never want to see YOU again!" Tetsu turned and took two steps towards the door. Then he cast a last look over his shoulder, maybe giving both of them a chance to do something, say something. But Sakura kept strong and silent as stone. And Tetsu left, his heart turned upside down, his position as leader maintained, but at the highest cost he could think of. That was the last time he had talked to Sakura. The leader of L'Arc~en~Ciel sees the first signs of the dawn. He would see Sakura again before the sun would set. For the first time in over three years. It feels surreal, like a dream, no more like a fantasy, caused by long working hours, living in public and many many responsibilities. /Why does he want to talk to me of all people? I was the one to kick him out. He was much closer to Hyde and Ken than he was to me./ The slender man hugs his knees to his chest and remembers tears on Hyde's face, when he had told the tiny vocalist and Ken the decision made. "He has to leave." Tetsu had said. The guitarist with the long legs had cast his eyes to the floor and nodded. The vocalist had begun to babble about keeping Sakura and that they had to stand by him. Even while their leader felt the same, his position had denied him to do so in order to keep L'Arc~en~Ciel alive. In the present the same leader is unsure if he can stand meeting the former drummer again. He picks up the phone, thinking of calling someone who has lived through it as well and is his childhood friend. But he stops after a few seconds. /Ken is asleep now./ He doesn't want to wake up ken just to tell him "Hey, Sakura called me and I agreed to meet him. But I didn't mean it. I cannot meet him. I'm so confused. What shall I do?" What could ken answer? And he needs one of the others to take his place in Flying Laruku Attack in he evening. He sighs in the cold silence of the room. He feels the loneliness closing up on him. It threatens to squash him. He embraces himself to escape this feeling. But it doesn't fade. He gets up from his sofa and goes to shower... No chance of getting any sleep now. Sakura had frightened it away. Rubbing his sore neck he stands under the nearly boiling water of the shower. The slender frame of the man deceiving anyone. He is quite strong and has stamina. But now he feels rather helpless and exposed. And still he doesn't know how to act and react to this man, he once was close to. Nearly like a brother. He lets the hot water run over his face and wonders. /Why is it me, he wants? Why not Hyde? They were closer than close. No wonder everyone thought they were lovers./ Are there words he will be able to say to this former L'Arc member? He can not think of any. He can not think of anything except this meeting. He leaves the shower, feeling hot, yet his slender frame shakes. He just cannot stop it. This is just crazy. He sees the dark and handsome face before his eyes, slowly changing into the haunted and sick face of a drug-addict. /I was the one to kick him out. I was the one who ruined his life. What does he want?/ A man wet and shaking picks up a towel and starts to dry himself up. His skin is reddening under his harsh rubbing, because his mind in somewhere else. /Revenge?/ He shakes his head. There would be other ways. He bites his lower lip, still he hasn't got rid of this habit. It hits him again, the sudden silence in his apartment, so high above the cities activities The city is slowly waking while the suns creeps on his usual way over the sky. So shy at first, then getting bolder and finally dying again. The small man hopes he can find some courage to be bold too. His skin burns from the harsh treatment. He soothes it with a little lotion and looks at his rather thin legs. Being over 30 and still having such an awkward frame sometimes depresses him. But he can deal with it. He needs more "meat", but even though he eats quite a lot he stays like this. Thin to behold. He was born in this body he will die in this body in the meanwhile he has to live with it... Yet this body can feel pain and enjoy pleasure. It's sensitive and serves him well most of the time. Most of the time... He gnaws at his lower lip again. He cannot get the thought of meeting Sakura again into his brain, it just refuses to accept the rather short phone-call as reality. /How do I deal with it? / Maybe calling someone and telling about it will pull this meeting out of the shades of the forgotten dreams into the light of plain reality and make it realisable for him. He needs to realise it, he's sure about it. The nervousness settles in his guts and makes him skip the thought of some kind of breakfast. He feels the urge to talk to someone about it. He isn't the type of man who keeps things inside. His friends know his weaknesses dreams and feelings, and he is relieved that they know, cause it's easier for him to live this way without too many secrets, except the ones hidden even to himself. And there are some, still floating inside of him. He gets up and inside his bedroom with the many closets containing enough clothes to change twice a day and still not wearing anything twice in a year. He looks around. /What shall I wear?/ This decision is essential to him. It will represent his inside on the outside. He does not want to look frail and weary when he meets the dark man with the normally impressive aura. In his brain the picture of the drummer forms. He has seen new pictures of him and his new Band in some magazines and PVs. His hair shorter now than it was when he had last seem him. His look still the same preference in black clothes. Always the dark one. The thin and naked man sees himself in the big mirror on one of the closets. He wants to spread self-confidence in this meeting. But as he sees the dark circles under his eyes and the slightly haunted look cast back at him, he is not very certain that he will manage to do so. He wouldn't be deceived by himself looking like this. He has to work on his face to....putting on a little make-up will help probably. First the clothes. Not too colourful...he's easily spotted in those. A little un-tetsu like clothing will be the best. If he could only find some. First the underwear...designer label, like most of the clothing piled up in the rather big room. It's tidy also. Everything has it's place. The thin man, now in nice underwear, likes his surroundings tidy and neat. He finally decides to wear a formal suit, not to conservative but still representing his more unplayful side. A glance at the clock reminds him, that it is much to early to be awake according to his normal day. Entering the kitchen he heats water to make some tea. He needs to something, just anything to keep this nervousness under control. His fragile and elegant hands shake a little as he pours the hot water in the expensive tea-pot. He gulps again. Then he sits down, folding his hands around the hot mug, enjoying the contrast of the warmth of his hands to the dead cold of the silence. Sitting that still he can hear his own breathing thundering in his ears. It makes him aware of his life...and the passing of it. He can hear the sand of his time running down the hourglass of his life. He needs to get rid of the silence before it makes him feel old and close to death. He nearly jumps up and turns on the TV like it is a sort of saviour. The sudden music makes the sound of silence and the thoughts of an hourglass of his life disappear. This day has just started. /If it goes on like this, they can shove valium down my throat by noon./ He blindly stares at the screen and his look travels to the phone every now and then. He must contact someone who will understand the strangeness of the situation. He grabs the phone and dials the number of his childhood friend faster than he actually conceives. The phone rings a long time. He knows the tall guitarist is fast asleep. And a deserved sleep too. He feels sorry and eager to tell at the same time. Finally the answering machine feels sorry for the band-leader and starts it's merry message. A fleeting smile graces the tired face of the fragile man and he hangs up. It's too early. He can see the tall man talking to their dark drummer before his eyes. His memories are so clear, almost like filtered. They talked at ease, the body language of both men talking of sympathy and trust. Laughing, their eyes sparkling...they cast mischievous looks over to him, sitting there. He remembers being quite oblivious to their looks. Suddenly the strong hands of the drummer caught him, warm and surely, pulling him up, while the guitarist catches his legs. They dragged him to somewhere he didn't know in that hotel. "Let me go, ken!" he had called laughing. Then there had been a lot of warm water. He had gotten some into his mouth. Climbing out of the pool he had run after the both laughing men. He had felt alive and happy then. No harm could get to them here. But he had been wrong. And no one had ever suspected how much it would hurt. How deep the bonds were embedded in their hearts, so that they could cut even deeper. Tearing open their inner cores. Leaving them bleeding and scarred. The lithe man knows it had been hard on all of them, especially their vocalist. But that had been years ago. Why should he dig up that pain again? The TV still flickers on his unseeing eyes. It's casting unseen massages to his senses. But while he is sitting there physically his mind wanders uncontrollably. There he sees Sakura as he has seen him for the first time. They had been so unbelievingly young then. So full of hope and enthusiasm. Already having lost one drummer, the young and slightly inexperienced leader and hoped it would be different this time. Faith was passed onto this cool person, who was becoming their drummer. And after finally having a new guitarist to his band he had believed this three and himself would be together forever. Another hope wasted. Believes destroyed. Cruel drugs. Stupid needs taking over the normally strong drummer. Why did he let them? Weren't his duties and principles strong enough to withstand? Such a young and hopeful face then. Such joy when he had told Sakura, they were accepting him into the band. It lit up the dark face, made him open and more cute than brooding. The same face, years later, strained and distant from the light of the old days. Oh, he just had to hug this poor creature and wishing he could have rekindled that light of old. Such a warm body, such a firm grip. But that was just a fleeting moment. /I was the one to take him in....I was the one to kick him out.../ the frail bassist is suddenly scared of himself to hold such power at times. /Either him or the band. Either one part of me or all of them. Who am I to make decisions like that? Who endowed me with such a power?/ Sitting on his couch, all awake and yet in a dreamlike state, he touches his face. Trying to find out what makes him special. But there is nothing he can discover and he shakes his head. Stupid thing to say yes. What will Ken say if he tells him about Sakuras call? What will Hyde say? /Maybe it is better not to tell him...?/ He can see him still...the little man staring at him with sad yet accusing eyes. "You kicked him out today?" "Un..." "What...what did he say?" "Who cares about L'Arc anyway? But he was just shocked." The leader stood there, broken and giving in to the gravity of misery. "hn..." the small man let his gaze shift to the tormented eyes of the leader and took two steps towards the his band-leader. Their misery was mirrored in each other and there is nothing they could have said, cause words were not enough. The slightly taller man held out a hand with little hope that the vocalist might forgive him. But the singer first ignored this graceful hand in front of him. Finally he had suddenly held a small man in his arms clinging to him like to a life-saver. And he had hugged the older man, admitting his own desperation to someone else for the first time. "I didn't want to let him go... do you understand?" he whispered in pain to the smaller man. "I do. But it's so hard... It would be much easier if I could hate him. Or hate you." They had stood there just holding each other or seeking comfort in the other, but still felt desolate. And it had really torn him very much. Being in London hadn't been as much fun as could have been. Everything had seemed dull and without much meaning. He had the feeling as they were hidden away, to make everyone forget, that there ever had been a group called L'Arc~en~Ciel and that they ever had a drummer. London, the beautiful old and busy city was not the place to make him think of happiness then. All he could think of was that man Sakurazawa Yasunori they had left behind. And if they would survive the scandal-... Would L'Arc continue to be successful? Would they ever be allowed to make music again? He had felt like dying, his heart already partly dead. And he had thought about suicide a lot. The thought of leaving responsibility and duties behind seemed very appealing. Just being at peace. No more thinking about anything anymore. The pain ending. It made his days long and the nights even longer, tormenting him with silence and lurking shadows whispering of how much it was his fault. His tired thoughts wandered to Sakura. What was he doing now? How did he deal with everything? Even sitting on his couch he could feel an echo of this life-threatening desperation he had felt then. He could feel it still in his heart like a scar long healed but still bugging. His life had looked bad then. He had money and some sort of fame, but still he had felt really down. Then there had been Evangelion. It had dealt with similar problems...end of life...loneliness...desolation... And he had shoved the pain inside of him deeper into oblivion.. until one day he had got up and hadn't thought of it. No more on the surface of consciousness. Everything buried under a new achieved happiness, which was displayed now on every occasion. There had been "A piece of Reincarnation" which had brought Yukki to them. He got along well with Yukki. He liked him very very much in fact. But he had lost the most intimate way of trusting a person when he had heard of Sakuras drug addiction. Sometimes he wondered if this one single moment had turned him into a full adult. And now this man and band-leader is not able to grasp the thought of meeting this former band-member again, who betrayed his inner self without knowing. After being over it for such a long time. At least that is what he likes to think. What he expects of himself, being a man and all... Under him there is still the red couch, he can feel it somehow assures him that there is still a world, outside of his thoughts. And that he has to get away from here, out of these walls, so cold not answering, only echoing what's inside anywise. He stands up abruptly and his face seems determined. He walks straight to the door, puts on one pair of shoes, fitting his more formal look and he checks if everything is in place. Then he leaves the apartment to it's silence. He has not seen the streets filled with so many people rushing off to work for a long time. They are living normal lives. Normal little lives in normal little households. Maybe having a family secure at home, caring for them...never seeing them. Children...so much responsibility. Some of them were his age, casting haunted looks around, like being on the run...or simply looking tired. This life was beyond him. He was never going to be one of them. Never lining into the hierarchy of a company. Well, sometimes he wished he could just hide within strict and familiar structures, never fearing uncertainty. But then there would have been no ken or hyde...and no Sakura for that matter. He sees clothes, pretty fancy...they just cannot get his attention today like they normally do. The idea of meeting Sakura seems to have erased all other desires and wishes inside of him. He feels this is really going to be essential to him, even though he has not the slightest idea how to act towards that tall...massive man. Is he really still like that? The frail man sees his reflection in one of the windows. He notices not much change in his lithe form since that last day. Will he notice change in Sakura? Will that dark being frighten him? He shudders. But they were close like brothers once. Well almost like that. On his chest there lingers a fleeting kind of warmth, he lowers his head, wondering. A faint trace of a well known after shave hits his senses, emanating from himself. Dark somehow musky...a meaningful scent. He can smell him still. Even after more than three years he can still smell Sakura on himself...feel the warmth of the last embrace. /Am I going...mad? Insane?/ Tetsu wonders. He clings to himself, but finds no hold there. He is falling freely, no one to save him there. "Ken..." he urges out...almost choking. He really feels in need of a friend, just someone to get him back to reality. To make him see what's real and what is not. He pulls out his mobile and dials the number a little shakily. A tired voice answers finally. "Ken? It's me. I really need to see you. Please..." he chokes out and ken mumbles. "You're in for breakfast." The small and frail figure still within the moving masses clumsily puts away the phone. His breath is still uncertain. But seeing ken will put himself back in focus. He hopes that, at least. The taller figure of the guitarist opens the door and looks a little dishevelled. "Hello..." he yawns and lets in his friend and band-mate. Tetsu places the bag with the breakfast carefully on the floor, before he pulls out his shoes. "Whoa Tetsu, you look quite...businesslike." Ken notices. Tetsu shrugs and follows the tall guitarist into the kitchen, taking the bag along. He dishes out some muffins, bagels and even some sushi. Ken agrees with a nod. "Okay, that will do." Then he heats some water for tea and coffee, Somehow Ken always manages to make the smaller man feel relaxed. Just watching the routine actions of heating water reassures him to a great amount. As if the call from Sakura never happened. They munch and drink while Ken tells about some ideas he had for new songs. This also brings the feeling of secluded security to the nervous band-leader. They eat and feel comfortable in each other's company for some time. But Ken knows that Tetsu is not just here for the sake of friendship. He sees it in the haunted look of his friend's eyes and the way he fidgets with his fingers. "Tell me..." he orders, firmly. He knows, this man can not keep secrets to himself. He is open and includes his friends into everything, letting his heart shine through all his actions and thoughts. Tetsu twitches and bites his lips, his head sinks to his chest before he mumbles: "Early this morning...I got a call.." he thinks of ways to avoid the name, but figures he just can't. "From Sakura." Ken nearly drops his hot coffee. He has to take in the words of the smaller man and process them in his head. Sakura of all people. This guy calling Tetsu? That is surely something he would have never guessed. "He.." the small voice continues, as if frightening himself. "He wants to meet me." Ken sits completely still. Then he lights a cigarette and smokes thoughtfully. "I agreed." the voice almost inaudible now, having lost the usual liveliness. The shoulders sink down and the figure looks like he has lost a fight. And he has to hand over his pride. A bowed beaten man. But some of his unbelievable strength remains, deep down in him. Ken knows that, because he knows his friend. "You agreed to meet Sakura?" Tetsu nods slightly. "I never thought you would." The younger man looks at his friend with wide eyes. Like a scared little boy, facing his first experiences in the world of the grown-ups. "What do you mean?" "Ever meet him again." "He nearly killed Laruku." Tetsu states, a fact, no hate or anger in his voice. "I cannot forgive him." Ken lights another cigarette. The smoke curls into the air, into his lugs, some of it into Tetsu's lungs, maybe initiating a cell to mutate into a tumour there. Ken sees his friend troubled and torn about the decision he has made. But there's no turning back, is there? And after all, he will survive this experience. The fragile man sighs deeply. "Meet him" Ken finally advises. Tetsu twitches, his lips pressed into a thin line. "He won't kill you. If he went through all the trouble getting your number... Maybe he has a reason why he wants to talk to you. Leader to leader talk?" Tetsu first refuses to get what Ken is telling him. His heart begins to race like crazy. /Talk to me? About what? What for?/ He silence in the kitchen is like the smoke, wavering slightly. Falling down on them, lingering there lightly. Tetsu considers it again and again. "There's nothing left to say." Tetsu mumbles strangely alarmed, after some time.. "Then you wouldn't have agreed. Maybe something deep inside you wants to see him, talk to him too." Through deep and dark waters Ken's words sink into the deepness that is Tetsu's being. /No, no. I don't want to. He annoys me, hurts me... I don't want to be hurt again./ "Listen to me, Tetsuya. Meet him. Maybe it's fun? You'll survive it." Ken chuckles quietly. "You are much stronger than this." This reaches Tetsu. Of course he is stronger. He is a man after all. He will meet Sakura and prove his strength. That he is worth being the leader of Laruku. And prove to himself, that he cannot be defeated or scared by a simple man from his past. He's just a man after all, isn't he? A human being made of flesh, bones, thoughts and... mistakes. He nods, hesitantly at first but then decidedly. "You're right, Ken. I'll meet him. And then never again." Ken sighs, but his eyes sparkle amused. "You really are stubborn sometimes. He probably has changed a lot you know? He's grown older and wiser. You should know best what being leader does to man." He is used to the teasing of this man. But he is not really used to the thought that the former drummer has a band of his own now, a successful one that is. /Being leader does something to a man?/ "Has it changed me so much?" he whispers faintly. Ken shrugs indifferently. "Never got to know the not-leader Tetsu." Tetsu smiles sadly. Yes, even when they have been children, even while Ken being older than him, he has been the leader. /Who gave me this power? Who made me what I am?/ Tetsu stares in his tea-mug. The greenish liquid doesn't hold any answers, it just luke-warm now. Time passes and also holds no answers for him. "Are you okay?" the unmistakable voice of the guitarist breaks the leaden silence. He doesn't know. Nor will he know till the day is gone and the meeting is a thing to refer to as being a memory. The fragile tired looking man nibbles his lower lip. He looks at his expensive watch. /Money can't buy you neither time nor happiness.../ crosses his mind. It's afternoon. Without his notice Ken has come up to him and pokes his shoulder. "Ouch..." Tetsu rubs the spot. "I thought you fell asleep with open eyes. Staring at you watch all this time. Don't freak out, it's only a meeting, for crying out loud." Of course Ken is right. Tetsu stands up and nods. "I'm just tired, that's all." he muses, wondering if that might be the truth. He scans himself. He feels sore and beaten up. His neck is stiff and his bones scream for a horizontal position. "Wanna take a nap?" There's no reaction in the tensed features. The guitarist softly pushes his friend to the couch, and sits him down. "Now, lay down and close your eyes. I wake you up in an hour." Tetsu obeys silently, without protest, glad that someone else makes decisions for him. /My suit will be ruined../ flashes through his head, as his eyes flutter close. A black figure covering him, shutting him from the looks of the world. He is safe but caged. Trapped inside his dark arms, trapped in the engulfing blackness. Where can he get a hold? Where can he run to? But it is so warm. The touch of darkness feels so much like a soft caress. "No..." His protest sounds not convincing. Delicate waves flutter against his suddenly naked skin, drawing him into the arms of nothingness. Ambrosial feelings flutter through his nerves and let his lips curl into a carefree smile. Sensual almost. Then he tries to breath but the darkness invades his lungs, lingers in his bronchial tubes. It will cover him from the inside also. He is struggling, kicking, boxing. But the soft dark figure just gives in. He simply can do no harm. He is loosing. Has to give in. Taking a full breath of the blackness, letting it in, allowing it to spread inside. Dissolving contours into nothingness, handing over thought and doubt. All his fears. All his hopes. He gives them freely, not needing them anymore, in this essence of everything and nothing. And he is free. Ken wakes him not one hour but some hours later. Rising from the couch, he feels disorientated. He was free. Now he is back in the living prison that is his body. The dream dissolves into another thing that will haunt him, if he lets it. Now it crumples and the darkness returns to it's place, where it is kept and lingering. Just waiting for another weak moment of sanity to escape. "What's the time?" he asks his friend, who smells fresh after having taken a bath, grinning at him. "Around five..." Ken grins at the shocked expression of his friend. "That late already? Oh no!" Tetsu jumps up and nearly falls flat on his face, for his feet have entangled in the blanket at his feet. "How do I look?" "Like someone who has just slept fully clothed." "Uwah! My suit!" Tetsu cries and takes a good look at his expensive clothes, all wrinkled and messed up. Ken smirks in friendly amusement. "Come on, it's not that bad. You look really...rested." Tetsu shakes his head in disbelieve. There is no way he can go to a meeting with Sakura looking like this. His sanctuary, his cover...it is gone now. Ken pats his shoulder softly. "Undress and give me a few minutes." He tries to calm the man, frozen in terror due to some small wrinkles in his perfect image. With a little reluctance Tetsu gets rid of his suit and hands it over to Ken, a frown settles comfortably between his eye-brows. Ken smirks again, cigarette between his lips and is gone. Tetsu feels exposed, nervous and...it is getting late. Even though he doesn't really want to meet Sakura, he has the strange desire to be punctual. Coming late might seem as being weak, not in control of himself. But even if he is not in control of his actions and feelings right now, Sakura is the last person who has to know that. He tries to cover it by clothes and an all studied act of self-confidence. Now he feels robbed of both pillars holding up his self-image. He slumps back on the couch, sighing, nibbling his lower lip. /Ken hurry...I will take forever to get there at this hour. I'm never gonna make it./ Nice white pills appear before in his mind. So calming... The easy way to some peace of mind and happiness. He shakes this picture off and wanders around the cosy apartment, scattered everywhere are papers, notes scribbled on them. The air emanates a little aroma of smoke and of Ken. Absentmindedly he picks up one of the papers, scanning the notes. It is still not very smooth... Ken probably gave up on that one, since the paper has been discarded on the floor. "Here you go." Ken's voice drags him back into the apartment, to his disgraced state and his upcoming eye-to-eye meeting with the dark figure with the name of Sakura. "See? As good as new." Ken holds his suit to him, wrinkles gone decently, not perfectly, but still... He simply has no choice than to wear this suit. He cannot meet Sakura in Ken's clothes, can he? Dressing fast and efficiently, he is glad to put on some shelter and confidence. And he slowly got cold too. Shivering he rubs his arms through the suit, smiling at his old friends full of appreciation. "Thanks Ken." The tall man gives a "no-need-to-thank-me" shrug. "It's alright. I've been forced to iron my shirts on my own in the last three weeks." Tetsu giggles for the first time in few hours. Ken does this for him. Lifting his mood, making him forget bad things. "You better go now, Tetsu." Ken looks at the clock. "Call a cab." he suggests. "I got my car right here." "You're in no state to drive. Friends don't let friends drive drunk." "I'm not drunk." "No, it's even worse. And, by the way, I got your car keys." Tetsu runs to check his pockets. There are his apartment-keys. More keys to some offices. But his car-keys are gone. "Give them back, Ken." Tetsu's voice is not kidding. "Sure. I'll give them to you tomorrow. Now call a cab or you will be late." Tetsu's lips form a thin line. He knows it's useless to argue with Ken. "Okay." he gives in, his voice dangerously low. Ken grins and then he closes up to Tetsu. "Have fun. He won't bite you." His reassurance weighs out his taking Tetsu's keys. The lithe man manages a small nod and Ken picks up the phone. Sitting in a cab, no smoking distraction with him, nervousness returns to Tetsu with a vengeance. Thoughts of skipping the meeting circle in his head, enticing him to just forget his pride and fear, leave the cab, change his phone-number and never ever think of a certain former drummer again. /Just let him sink back in the depth of your sub-consciousness./ whispers a little voice to him He wishes Ken back to his side. He felt much more at peace with him. Now they return, his fears and he is falling again. Falling prey to his fears, memories and insecurity. He kneads his long slender fingers, they're a little cold. Does he really look presentable like this? Such a cheap suit. And a little wrinkled too. He is in no way ready to face the drummer. Sakura. Isn't a cherry-blossom light, fragile and soft. How could he have chosen such a name, being the dark man that he is? Always showing the world, he was a man of contradictions. But they had been so incredibly young then. Or has that been just an illusion? "I really think we should take him in." Hyde had said, smiling at the waiting man outside the studio, who couldn't hear them. Tetsu had been impressed by the young drummer with the appearance of a creature of the night, like a being born of shadows. And they needed a drummer. Hyde's eyes had melted him with pleading and hoping looks. He went to the man, smoking in a corner, seemingly not interested if he would be invited or not. Tetsu had gulped a few times. He was the leader after all. No fear, brave leader. No fear. "You're in." The face softened, grew younger within split seconds. Tetsu suddenly found "cute" a fitting word. So open and positive. "Really?" A nod. "Great." The man had been with Hyde and Ken within no a second. Already feeling at ease with his new band-mates. Partying the night away right afterwards. He had felt so happy, so safe and like he had the whole world within his reach. Almost like he was immortal and this feeling was bound to last for all eternity. Had he ever known, that Sakura was bound to take drugs, he would have never allowed him in. And in no way had the feeling last for eternity. Only for a few cheap years, losing it's spark and brilliance. Yet the dream had been alive until that day he had seen the innocent white powder being sucked into the nose of the shadowlike drummer. He had tolerated it for some time. Maybe Sakura would be looking for some new distraction soon. But then he had begun to change, becoming nervous, tense. Paranoid even. Always suspecting the world to watch his every step. Being famous did not help much. I had made him thin, worn... A follower to a greater leader called addiction. No longer finding the work and friends fulfilling. It had pained Tetsu to see this little white powder taking away their drummer, twisted him into this parody of himself. Unfair. Tetsu leans his head against the window of the cab. The coolness soothes his irrational thoughts, gives him an impression of reality. His senses are invaded by the smell of cheap perfume lingering in the seats of the cab. And the traffic rushing by, so many lights, blinding him, making him dizzy and apathic. He hates smells like that, so cheap and pushy. Screaming "Here I am!" into your nose. Making you sick. And he feels sick enough already, even after sleeping on Ken's couch. Ken was right to steal his keys. He is in no condition to drive. He should be at home. Or going out for dinner. Making love in an incredible exotic way to a complete stranger. Anything. A shock runs through him: He hasn't delayed his appointments. Shit. "Oh no..." he nearly cries. Mark this day as the day Oogawa Tetsuya lost his mind. And for the first time has forgotten appointments. He could beat himself. Pulling out his keitai, he calls their manager. "Ken called me and said you were not feeling well." he explains surprised that Tetsu is calling him. Relief washes through him, then the car halts abruptly. "That will be 13000 yen, Sir." Tetsu pays without hesitation, smiling faintly at the elderly cab-driver with the clean white gloves. Getting out of the cab, he finally notices, that it has started to rain a little. The raamen-shop is not far from here, where he is a no one. He stands still, frowning at the rain. Glittering drops of rain cling to his hair, making him realise: No umbrella. Then he looks at his watch. Nearly 20 minutes left. Enough time to run and hide. But he is here to meet a man. An old friend... Or rather an old wound. /You simply have to face him or you will be a coward for the rest of your lousy life./ He rubs his nose contemplatively. Then he begins to walk with firm strides. The golden lights of the shop mirrors on the wet pavement. Maybe such a warm light is a good sign? Tetsu hopes so at least. He braces himself again. The idea that he is about to meet Sakura suddenly sounds so unreal, he feels like laughing. Or screaming. Maybe both, just crossing the deadline between sanity and complete madness. A deep breath is all he can take with him now. He wishes he was a smoker. A cigarette sounds like a nice thing to hold on to now. But there is none, he is alone and nods. /This is it./ He enters the shop, already hearing the slurping noises. It's a raamen-shop after all. His eyes scan the small restaurant. Only five small tables and a bar to sit at. His lips are dry, his hair is a little wet. He notices both things are totally important to him for a second. Then all his lingering thoughts are erased within a single blink. There he is. Already sitting there, clothed in black. Tetsu is frozen to the spot. He doesn't hear the "Welcome" of the cooks. All he ca do is simply stare at the man, who is sitting there at one of the small tables. Like a puppet he feels himself moving towards the dark clothed figure, that was once a part of his heart and soul. He cannot even stop himself, even though inwardly he orders his legs to. Who is pulling his strings? Then the dark brooding eyes find his figure tumbling towards them, recognition lights in them. The lithe figure, in the expensive suit. The face is blank. No emotion shown on the smooth features, once which he'd once known and trusted so much.. Where is that smile that could move the world? But then the man coming up to him hasn't changed that much. The way he moves, his graceful hands and delicate frame. He is here after all this time and doubts. What shall he say? He has spent the day thinking about this appointment. Words, meanings. He still cannot believe, that his former band-member has really agreed to this. He hadn't expected Tetsu to. When he called, late in the night, he was drunk enough to do something like facing a man he hadn't seen in three years. Much has happened. And still, somewhere everything is just the same. Unfinished. Lingering. Maybe he can never truly be what he is meant to be without this encounter. Something has always been waiting to be untangled between them. Even though it has been years ago he still can feel the warth of the last embrace when the night is dark and he is not strong enough to face the shadows on his own. Tetsu. When the bassist reaches the table, Sakura simply can't take his eyes off the blank face. /How can he keep so cool?/ "He...hello.." Tetsu hears the words and cannot believe he really said them. "Un..." Sakura wants to whack himself. /At least say something coherent, idiot./ "Hi." The voice of the drummer is smooth and dark, not letting his nervousness shine through. Tetsu studies Sakura's chin; he couldn't bring himself to look into Sakura's eyes. He gulps and points to the second chair at the table. "May I?" His knees are finally giving in on him. Sakura nods silently and Tetsu sits down. The drummer sees the slender fingers, yet so strong. Always he has been deluded about the strength inside this small and fragile man. And he had admired this strength for as long as he can remember. Yet this man is stubborn, headstrong. He knows it all. For a long time unknown longing floods through him, combined with a taste of sentimentality. But he is at a loss for words, even though he has thought of so many things to say. Tetsu's presence has erased all of those clever topics, and has simply dumbfounded him. /Just say something. Anything./ "How..." he finally manages. "How are you doing?" Tetsu twitches. "Un...good." Tetsu seeks for a shelter in formalities. "And you?" No answer. Sakura has to take in Tetsu with his eyes again. /He's here. He's really here.../ His mind has to realise this fidget of his imagination is a reality, to accept that he is here with him, once again. /Oh Tetsu./ So many things stand between them The last words Sakura had ever spoken to this fragile creature with the unbreakable strength. "Who cares about Larc anyway." The pained look on the open face, the fading warmth of that glorious final hug. How much he wants to bring that absolute trust and safety back, although he knows it is much too late. Paradise is lost to sinners. And to them. "How may I help you?" a waitress girl asks, looking down at her little pad. Both men freeze, and Tetsu blushes a little. He realizes, he's been staring at his former band-mate. So temptingly familiar. Yet this man is a stranger, wearing the mortal shell of his one-time friend. If they ever have been friends. Only a arm-lengths away and he would be able to feel him, to touch this dark figure. Would make him a sensation under his sensible fingertips. But there are differences in in the drummer, just like Ken had had guessed. His aura is calmer and less intruding, but also not as vital as it used to be. The black calmness impresses Tetsu against his will, seeping into him, but he struggles against it. Then he notices the girl is still waiting for him. He hasn't heard placing Sakura an order. "Just a plain bowl of Raamen." Sakura smiles suddenly and that enhances Tetsu's nervousness. "The same for me." he smiles at the girl invitingly. But she just walks away. The uneasy tension rises again. Each one wonders if there a re more things that keep them apart, than forces that bring them together. Still they have come because of a decision made, questions unanswered, feelings unsorted. Tetsu clears his throat. This can't go on forever or they will still be sitting here in a few hours. "Why did you call me yesterday?" He cannot believe he has said it. Now the words can do whatever harm they are destined to do. The head of the drummer sinks slightly and Tetsu has to wait, facing thousands of possible answers during the silence. "I wanted to talk to you." The bassist nods slightly. He knows that already. He waits for further explanations. His former band-member grabs a cigarette and lights it. And in this gesture Tetsu sees his own nervousness mirrored. Suddenly he feels sympathy towards this man in front of him. A fleeting smile touches his lips, connecting him to the other man with something else than disquietude. "I was surprised." Tetsu admits in a raw voice. "Shocked." The drummer is not less shocked to hear Tetsu confessing his feelings, he didn't feel brave enough to do the same untill now. Again he can only admire Tetsu bravery and courage. And the openness he has missed so much. Sakura recalls the years. How he hated Tetsu for kicking him out. For taking every reason to live from him. Everything he blamed on Tetsu, calling him a small coward. Regarding him as tiny and weak. "I'm sorry for calling so late. I just...had to." He whispers at last. "Or else I would have never called you." The sudden appearance of the waitress girl disturbs them. With bouncy enthusiasm she places a steaming hot bowl of raamen in front of each of them, the tasty smell lingering up with the steam. But Tetsu doesn't feel hungry at all. Sakura was about to reveal something important, and this soup simply destroyed the mood. He looks into the bowl and sighs quietly. Sakura breaks his chopsticks and pulls up some noodles, slurping them eagerly. Tetsu feels his lips curling up in a smile again. This is so much like the old Sakura, burned into his brain but filed under "Lost". "You not hungry?" the drummer asks between shoving. Tetsu declines politely. Very formal. But still there's a touch of his smile on his lips and that makes Sakura believe, it has been a good idea daring to make a call late at night. The raamen is excellent. He comes to a halt. He is here, Tetsu is here, smiling. So familiar and warm. He gulps. /Do not take this for granted. You may lose it sooner than you think./ The drummer returns his gaze back into the bowl of raamen. The smiling picture before him is moving, so he is alive and real. Tetsu. How many times can you think a name without getting bored? He never tires of this one. His thinking of the word Tetsu differs from the Tetsu of his band. Strange. Tetsu equals strength. Tetsu parallels the hurt as well as the comfort.

bibliothek