NIKA

27 Missing Kisses

The way to your apartment. I know it well, not the first time, I've come here to visit you and not the last presumably. The streets of Tokyo led me here, and now the sounds are far away, making me think. As if we try to prevent ourselves from thinking by making noise. Surround ourselves with happy noises, melodic ones; fighting the other ones. But it keeps our heads empty, free from doubt, hate, thought and care... Maybe even free from love. As long as we are kept calm and uncaring, we serve the system with less complaints and resistance. Don't we? Don't I? But I know you don't, because you hate authorities and formalities. But nowadays...I'm worried about you. You look so tired, like the sadness of the world is placed within your gaze and the world's gravity is concentrated in your heart. I leave the elevator and take the few steps to your door with hesitation. Do I have the right to do this? I hope I do. I am your friend after all. One of your oldest, too. Here it is, your door. A normal door, nothing special. You are behind there, I've checked out all your other possible whereabouts. Gulping, I finally knock, before I'll turn tail and run if I don't. I know myself too well... I tend to do things that way. As the door opens, I'm so deep in thought, that I, at first, don't realize your look on me. I almost jump and then a apologetic smile comes to my face. Still I'm at a loss for the words to fit the situation and fall into a helpless stance, frowning. You look tired, oh my god, so tired. Worn out. Even your voice is only a shadow, when you say: "Jun? What are you doing here?" "E...eto..." I start, still very awkward, your gaze wanders to my hands and I notice that I'd started to knead my fingers. A faint smile crosses your lips; you know me well, don't you? I'm still always nervous in stress-situations; not good at handling the emotional impact. "Want to come in?" you ask, almost casual, but still wonder lingers in your voice. I simply nod bashfully. Why are you bashful, may I ask, Jun? Because you are you, right? Okay, I'm bashful. Still I enter, getting rid of my shoes and my persuasion. You are gone, probably getting me some tea, because I'm your friend. Who am I to intrude on you? If you wanted to talk to me, you just would, wouldn't you? Maybe you just don't want to talk about it. That must be it. What am I doing here then? Foolish. I'm just being who I am: Naive Jun. "Are you still there, Jun?" Could it be that you sound amused and impatient at the same time? "Un," I call back, meek. "It's not a science, you know? "Science?" "How to get out of your shoes," you tease me, like you do so often. "Ha ha!" I retort, pushing all second thoughts aside to let them torture me later, I enter your realm. All I see is the back of that old long-sleeved shirt you wear, casual clothing, a nonchalant atmosphere. But your shoulders are hanging, you lack so much energy. How much I'd like to say "You are not alone," but it seems to get even more impossible with every heartbeat. I doubt that I could convince you of that. How can I, always the weak one, try to offer you a promise of support? You are strong, almost unbreakable, the spirit that never gives in and protects our shared dream. The dream of making our music, making it in our very own way. It is very important to you, your eyes and smile told me so many times. But...where has that smile gone to? It hurts me to know it's gone. I ache seeing you weakened. And I feel useless because I can't help you. What kind of lousy friend am I? I sigh and then I almost jump. Your face is very close to mine all of a sudden, scrutinizing. "Where are you gone to?" A faint smile plays around your lips and you make me feel like I had been caught doing something wrong. How do you always manage to do that? "Nowhere, I guess...," I whisper. Hey, what's wrong here? Why are you whispering in this hoarse voice? You've known this man for many years. Shrugging, well-mannered, he points to the couch, asking me to sit down. I nod and slump onto the soft cushions; already tea is waiting for me, I see it from the corner of my eyes. He kneels on the opposite side of the table, silently watching me. Dark circles around his eyes, shadows showing on his cheeks. He looks so fragile, like he is about to crumble under the pressure of responsibility. And there is this feeling of displacement again. You don't fit here today, you are not yourself at all these days. Although you act like you are and all is well and proper. The more you act for the world, the more I feel you are losing strength. "There you go again, daydreaming away," you wake me softly from my thoughts. "Is something bothering you?" Your smile seems authentic even. I bite my lower lip, thoughtfully. When this mask of your's slips, will it reveal your real face or just a new disguise? "Actually," I begin. A good beginning too, don't you think, Jun? "I...we...," and at this point words and courage leave me gain. Is he annoyed because I'm here? He doesn't show it, but he probably is. He likes privacy, quiet, when he knows all is well. There are times when he needs the attention of the masses and he bathes in that glamorous experience. He fools around with us, jokes, teases and likes to tickle me at times (which I hate). But then he falls into melancholy, locking himself in and never wanting us around. But it never lasts long, does it? "I'm sorry to bother you," I utter. You blink astonished. "Don't worry about it. Exactly with what are you bothering me?" I laugh at myself. I haven't told him anything up to now. "Jun, what is wrong? Just tell me straight, okay?" he joins my soft laughter, not knowing that he makes fun of me this way. "Kirito..." I gulp and continue with a more steady voice "You are not alone." There it is, I've said it. Way to go, Jun! Mentally, I wave some pom-poms for myself. Whoa, wait a minute! What will he think now? His head falls forward, suddenly. Scaring the living daylight out of me. Kirito? Kirito! I stand up and rush to his side at once, already mumbling excuses, even I don't register them. Please don't tell me that he is crying! I couldn't stand that. Don't cry, please. You never cry. Aiji cries, Kohta cries... even I cry sometimes, but you never shed tears. You should never shed tears. I place my hand on your shoulder shyly seeking to soothe you. Warm. You are so very warm under the layers of fabric, wrapping you into a casual disguise. Almost visibly the last fragments of strength flow from you. Have I taken them from you? Oh no, don't let it be like that, no... Before I can think any more he really slumps down, his head about to hit the table, I notice within nano-seconds. I grab his shoulder hard and draw him up and towards me in a liquid movement. "Good god, Kirito..." I gasp, as he lays limply against my chest, me panting in shock. Scenes flash before my eyes. His head, gushing blood as soon as it hits the table. His eyes all empty, his heart opening up and letting the eager spirit living there escape. With a rush of hormones, my heart beats strongly. "Don't scare me like that!" I find myself yelling at him. Fright is turning into fiery red anger. All he does is nod miserably, his face hidden in the folds of my sweater. On this impulse I hug him tightly to myself and start to sway a little, soothing him. I'm hoping to give him some strength, despite being the weakest one among so many strong band-members. And as I calm us both, my heartbeat slows down, unconsciously I started to rub his back lightly. His hands sneak round me and cling to me easily. Far off noises are swept to my ears as we remain completely still. The soft whisper of the traffic, him breathing. Inhaling, exhaling. He is warm in my arms too. Fits there just fine, like he's been a missing piece for my puzzle. Actually, it is time to let him go, let him straighten up, regain his composure and continue... Whatever needed continuing. But I don't want to face him and see that he had been crying or his total breakdown. He is strong in my mind, the bravest person I know. He protects us and as long as he does, I am safe. Seeing that he is weak like me means I cannot always rely on him sheltering me from whatever harm might be out to get me. Good strong Kirito... almost like a figure from romance novels. But he is not made up, he is real, despite all that I like to assume about him. He's no superhero, he is human. That fact hits me, and my hug tightens a bit. "I'm sorry...," I whisper, feeling tears threatening. That is when he parts from me, we become two individual men, leaving me bereft of the warmth cuddled in my arms. He hadn't been crying, his face is dry, but his eyes still look deep enough to drown in them helplessly. "I'm sorry, too," he echoes meekly. Kirito? Meek? "It is true, you know," I repeat, " We are all there for you, you know? I want to support you, in every way." Hey Jun? What happened to "we want to support you"? Oops. "All of us want to support you," I rescue my sentence. What is that expression on his face? Disbelief? Anger? Hunger? I knead my fingers again, sitting awkwardly on his cream-colored carpet. I gaze into his face shyly, hoping to see approval. "I know, Jun. I've always known," he whispers, as if it was a secret. He knows? That is great... He knows and doesn't talk to any of us? So he doesn't believe we can do anything to help the situation, does he? Doesn't he trust me anymore? Okay, Jun, tell him about the other thoughts. "Lately, I've been worried about you..." I commence. "You seem so exhausted and worn out." Kirito looks at me, wide-eyed but he keeps quiet. "And I feel as if...," my gaze wanders to my clenched fingers, resting there wondering how I managed to wrench them that much without breaking them. "I am no longer your friend." That is the one doubts that I am scared to admit even to myself. We've been friends for how long? Almost 9 years? Why are you this far away from me now? I still see you, even though I never noticed how you came in or how you happen to sit on the chair at the bar, growling at the karaoke-singers in the back. You looked back at me and smiled: "Lousy, ne?" I agreed with a nod, chuckling at the faces you made. Later you were gone. But you returned. Why, I never wondered, but I grow curious about you. The way you talked about your view of the world, explaining your philosophy to me. Coming earlier just to meet me. We fell into the bonds of friendship before I was aware of them, you turning out to be the person I finally dared to share my dreams with. How close we were then... Is that all over now? "What makes you think that...?" His voice startles me out of contemplation. I cringe inwardly. "Jun?" I look up helplessly. Maybe even a little desperate. I shrug and feel like a traitor, like I should be ashamed. Like I don't belong here, not now or ever. Of course a shrug is not much of an answer, not even for someone as intelligent as Kirito. He shakes his head. "Jun, what makes you think that I am no longer your friend? Of course I am." Just words, not necessarily true or reliable, are they? "If that is so, then why...?" I stutter carefully He seems very aware of my every movement. "Why?" "Why won't you talk to me?" "About what?" he asks, tilting his head to the side. "All of us talked about returning to our indie label, didn't we?" He opens one of his hands, and I wonder what the meaning of that gesture is. "But before everyone else, only the two of us talked about it... I wanted your opinion first." Even though this is his attempt to reassure me, I still feel strangely out of reach. He doesn't belong here, because he is not the real Kirito. Maybe I am not the real Jun, either? "Pierrot was your dream, after all. You shared it with me and then we followed it together." Okay, I remember that much. Him and me sitting in this exact apartment, considering the options regarding our upcoming decisions. Stay with Toshiba? Leave? And I recall a very determined Kirito, saying: "We maybe called 'Pierrot'; but I refuse to let this band become their weak-willed clowns." I laughed about his silly heroic poses. He's right, how can I think he's no longer my friend? What makes me so insecure about him? "It's okay, I'm just confused I guess," I mumble, hoping the carpet doesn't take it too bad, me talking to it all the time. I shift my gaze to my hands again. Just a few minutes ago, these very hands held him, soothed him. Now they are empty, getting colder. I try to put a distance between us, returning to my place on the couch, nursing my still warm tea. Maybe we are friends, but conversation is surely awkward today. And seemingly not getting any better. What do we talk about anyway. Music, mostly. Business decisions related to music. Dreams and hopes are no topic anymore. Isn't that sad? Could it be that I lost them as soon as my dream came true? I rarely notice our lack of deep-hearted conversation, because most of the time we are in a group, talking loudly, keeping the shadows away. You like talking, Jun. You love it. Kirito, too. He licks his lips after nursing his tea. How kissable. I sometimes wish I could bring myself to finally admit that there are times that I want to kiss him. Out of the blue even. Well, as a matter of fact we did kiss twice. First and second kiss were in the same night. He was drunk, very drunk. We were in my old room, him drinking beer and some sake and I was getting high on a great variety of snacks and sweets. And he tried to hypnotize me the whole time, staring into my eyes. It made me laugh rather than swoon. "Why are you staring like that?" I asked him when he began to squint. "Because I want to seduce you," he stated surpassingly clear. I was neither shocked nor disgusted. My sexual experience was limited, me being an unpopular loser-kid and I knew Kirito liked to play out jokes to the fullest. "Seduce me? Why?" I laughed out loud. "Because I like you?" He was unsure himself. "And you are here with me, looking all cute." "Thank you very much," I retorted sarcastically. Then his lips were on mine without another warning. I didn't even have a chance to analyze the whole process before it was over. All I noticed was the taste of sake on my tongue, mixing nicely with the other flavors lurking there. I wondered if he tasted some of me too. The whole thing appeared incredibly funny to me, as soon as my mouth was my own again I started laughing, while he pouted. He slumped down to the guest futon and became all quiet, turning his back to me. The other kiss was late at night. Kirito already asleep, lips slightly parted, reeking of alcohol. I was curious about the whole thing and what I had missed out, because I had been trying to avoid laughing out loud. I kissed him very timidly and it wasn't very pleasant. But the feeling was very overwhelming. Belonging and warmth conquered me. Spectacular, isn't it? No big deal compared to the whole fan-service stuff he does with Aiji on stage, right, Jun? Two kisses in many more years. And even though they weren't spectacular, I still long to kiss him sometimes. Not sex, just press my lips to his. Or a little peck on the cheek. Just to show that I acknowledge him, give him some of my gratitude and affection. Yes, Jun. That is one of the dreams that are left. Not talking about dreams can also spare you a lot of complications. For instance Kirito finding out, that you would like to kiss him. He would probably laugh himself silly, thinking that this little guitarist has fantasies about lip to lip contact. "Jun?" Kirito's voice brings me back into his apartment, his presence. I stand up, abruptly. "I shouldn't have come here." I state as a matter of fact. Heck, you're right Jun. Confused as you are you should better leave now. Kirito is obviously bewildered. Deeply. "Jun?" Is that all that he can say? I sigh and urge a smile on my lips for him, reassuring, readjusting. "I'm glad we are still friends, Kirito," I turn around and direct my look at the carpet again. A very nice carpet. Like that I try to find the my shoes and then the door. "Thank you for talking to me, Jun." He has followed me, watching me intently as I put on my shoes. "Un...," I sound like a stupid child. Get away from here, Jun I remind myself. "Look at me, Jun!" He orders suddenly and I react by staring right into his eyes. The bonds we have forged are still strong. His hands cup around my face gently, his palms are warm, the fingertips surprisingly cool. "You are my strength." I don't know how to react to that declaration, so I just close my eyes. "Sometimes I need you to remind me of that. When I am not strong or confused I think about you, all of you. You make me focus on the important things. Whatever you see in me, it is also in you." That is so much more than I ever expected to hear. I tremble a little. Eyes still closed I feel happy dizziness. The hands leave my face and again I feel bereft of him. But I realize that there is a giant smile plastered on my face and it's just for him. Then I notice him still looking at me. "Why are you looking at me like that?" "Because I want to seduce you," he laughs. "Again?" I ask. He both giggle a little, he shrugs and tilts his head. "Why not? You're here and you're cute." I roll my eyes at him: "Still as charming as ever." "Ha ha!" Then he hugs me just quickly, looking at me his eyes all soft afterwards.. And I know I am the one he allows to see that. I reach forward and place a determined kiss on his lips. He is surprised and his eyes are wide when I turn to leave, he is touching his lips with a gentle gesture. Like he is wondering if this kiss has been for real. And I can't take my eyes of the image before me. His fingers against his lips... I long to do it again. One kiss for every year he has existed? A lovely thought. Still 26 to go. ~Finis~

Dazgehörige Geschichte: Truth of the Heart

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