Me, Kyo

NIKA

Me, Kyo

"And what do you contribute to the band?"
"I am the vocalist. I just...sing"
"Oh..." it sounded rather disappointed.
He sank his head and stared at his toes.
Then the attention of the pretty and sociable interviewer focused on the others again.
His stare became blurry and distant.
/What am I doing for the band?/

He heard the other man scream out and felt the much bigger body collapsing on him.
Just like always.
The other slid out of him, like always.
Leaving a steadily growing hole inside of him.
He felt deeply disgusted with himself.
Nearly throwing up, while the other stretched beside him.
"I'm ready to do more for you guys." the other mumbled, after catching his breath at least a bit.
He flashed a business-like smile at the taller man- unconcerned and unreadable.
The taller man grapped some cigarettes and offered one to him.
He eyed the white thing if it was able to bite and declined in a choked whisper.
His sex-partner laughed softly.
"Rather unusual."
Then he kissed his little toy deeply and playfully.
But as he was kissed he felt himself becoming more and more loathsome.
"There you are, Kyo!"
Die's voice was annoyingly cheerful.
Kyo looked at him slowly and managed a shadow of his usual smile to greet his bandmate.
"Kyo-chan~aan..." he heard another cheerful voice and felt arms come around his shoulders.
"Totchi..." his smile became a bit brighter.
Toshiya began babbling about being out with to some hot club the night before. Kyo tried to pay attention, but his mind kept slipping.
"Did you manage to finish some of the lyrics you were working on?" he heard Kaoru's firm and demanding voice. Kyo wriggled free from Toshiya's embrace and faced their leader.
"Yeah...I finished two songs..." Kyo pulled out a little crushed notebook and handed it to Kaoru, who read it eagerly.
All of them watched the blue haired man intently as he read the word carefully.
When finally his eyes lit up, all of them released a deep sigh.
"So, let's begin."
All of them took their positions and Kyo heard the music rolling up to him and working it's magic. He felt suddenly released and free, like worldly matters didn't count anymore.
Opening his mouth, he revealed all of his innermost feelings within his voice.
All of his pain, all of his hate, all of his identity.
As the music stopped it silence spreaded for an eternal moment. Then all five of them looked at each other and smiled.
"We're ready for recording." Die decided and no one disagreed.
A tall man entered and smiled.
"You're really ready. We'll begin tomorrow." he announced.
Loud "Yatta!" calls were heard from four of Dir en grey's members. Except Kyo, who backed to a wall and leaned against it. Eyes staring into nothingness, breath slightly heavy.
"Let's go out for a drink tonight." Kaoru suggested. And everyone began discussing where to go. Kyo stayed close to the wall, staring into another world and felt like the floor under his feet was melting away. He was sinking into it, not even able to call for help.
He looked at his bandmates eyes full of helplessness. But they didn't notice.
Kyo kept on struggling on his own.
"Kanpai!"
Toshiya sipped his drink and looked at Kyo, who stared at his drink and seemed without any trace of interest.
"Hey, Kaoru." he whispered. "Look at Kyo."
Kaoru looked at the petit vocalist.
He sat down next to Kyo.
"What's wrong?"
Kyo fidgeted a little but avoided the other man's eyes.
"Nothing...I think..." he whispered. "Don't worry about me, Kaoru."
He shot the taller man a fleeting smile. " I'm just tired. Better worry about the band."
Kaoru nodded. They had been working hard, everyone of them.
And it finally worked out.
Life just couldn't any better than this. He felt the glorious moment with every breath.
Kyo looked at Kaoru, wishing the best for him. The best for the others.
Then he downed the drink in one gulp.
The hot burning in his throat reminding him painfully that he was still alive. At least, he was able to feel something like pain.
He stood up and joined the others to keep up the fake Kyo he had created during the last weeks.
Kaoru nodded relieved and smiled at his little love.
There was nothing wrong with Kyo as far as he could tell. Another kiss didn't help the feeling of being lost.
"Are you satisfied now?" the tall man asked him, after he released Kyo from the kiss.
Kyo nodded slightly.
He just had to be satisfied, right?
He had to be.
Totally satisfied.
Kyo sat on the edge of the bed while his sex-partner already was doing business calls.
Fascinated he watched his toes sinking into the soft carpet. "
/I don't want him inside me anymore. No more. Not again./ he thought. His fingers cramped into fists.
He stumbled into his clothes not even caring to shower before, just feeling like leaving this place of humiliation and shame behind.
He left the building like he was hunted.
He ran and ran. Reaching his apartment, he shut the door and locked it good. Toshiya was out again.
He couldn't stand the thought of facing the bassist. Throwing his clothes into the bin, he headed for the shower.
As he stood under the nearly boiling water he scrubbed and scrubbed...
but as he looked into the steamy mirror he still could discover little stains, where he had been touched.
They wouldn't wash off.
Kyo fell to his knees and began sobbing.
Then he began scratching.
Trying to skin off the stains. Blood dropped on the white tiles and began to flow towards the sink.
The pain was there, but he believed it was better experiencing it.
It made him feel, that he was still alive and here.
There were still his feelings, even though they were unpleasant.
His phone rang, he faintly noticed, but he didn't care.
His arms were nearly skinned when he tightened into a ball on the floor and began screaming.
He screamed and screamed.
No one heard him. Kaoru saw white bandages around Kyo's arms and he seemed pale, as he sat down, letting the visagist apply make-up.
"Kyo?" he asked but Kyo didn't pay any attention to him.
He'd been sleeping more than usually. Or just feigning to sleep, because when he felt unwatched, Kaoru could see him staring at the walls indifferently.
While the photo-shoot continued, Kyo seemed much like his old self.
Even cracking a joke here and there.
Hugging the others, striking erotic and cool poses for the media.
Kaoru was glad to have his Kyo back
And recording was great. Everything was just perfect.
"I'm glad you're okay." he whispered into the smaller man's ear.
Kyo seemed to become depressed at once. He lowered his gaze and seemed to fight tears or anger.
Kaoru felt that he had to hug his friend and bandmate.
But Kyo was like a statue, no move, no reaction.
"Break's over!" someone called.
Kaoru had to let go of the small body in his arms and looked at his friend worried. But Kyo just left him standing and returned to work. Kyo returned home, declining all offers of the others to go out for a drink.
He turned on the answering machine and just let himself fall on the sofa.
"Meet me tonight." he heard a well known and despised voice. His whole body began to hurt as soon as the voice hit his ears.
Then he jumped up and began screaming "NO!" , grapped the little black box and threw it on the floor.
Tears fell on his hands.
But he felt, that he had lost already. Beaten.
Once again, two times again...a thousand times again...who cared...?
It was this way and it was for the best...the very best....
He put on his shoes and left the apartment. Toshiya wondered, why their door was open.
As he entered he saw the smashed answering machine.
"One hell of a party..." he mumbled, calling Kaoru one minute later.
But Kaoru also hadn't a clue what was wrong with Kyo.
"Better stay home a bit and watch him the next days..." Kaoru said.
"Maybe it's just a stress reaction."
Toshiya mumbled "I hope so." He stayed up, waiting for Kyo. The hours were getting longer and he became tired.
Finally he heard the key in the door.
Toshiya rose to greet Kyo.
A look at the small vocalist and Toshiya couldn't think of any of the accuses he had prepared so carefully.
Kyo sure looked like he needed help. But he sure didn't look like he would accept it.
"It's late..." Toshiya broke the silence. "We should go to sleep..."
Kyo slipped out of his shoes, stepped inside and smiled sadly at Toshiya.
"You're right."
Toshiya watched helplessly as Kyo headed for the shower and then into his room.
He made up his mind and went into the semi-darkness of Kyo's bedroom.
Without asking he lay down beside the smaller man, who followed the actions of the bassist without much anticipation.
They faced each other, Toshiya could smell Kyo's shampoo and see the freshly done bandages.
He searched for Kyo's hand and interlaced their fingers.
Toshiya waited for the other man to say something, but he wouldn't force him.
He felt himself gliding into a dozing state, when suddenly Kyo's voice drew him back.
"...are you happy...?" he heard Kyo's careful question.
He studied the vocalist.
Toshiya thought about the question.
His life was good. Their career was on the move. What was Kyo aiming at?
"Yes." he whispered.
He heard Kyo letting out a heartfelt sigh.
"Then I'm glad." Kyo whispered hoarsely and buried his head in Toshiya's shirt.
He was fast asleep within seconds. Kaoru dragged the bassist to a secure spot and asked intently: "Have you figured out what's wrong with him?" Toshiya looked confused at the older man. "No. He doesn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to know, if I was happy." "Are you happy, Totchi?" Kaoru smiled a little. "I told him yes." Toshiya bit his lower lip. "He was very relieved when I told him. I think, he cares a lot about us." Kaoru knew, that Kyo did. He may seemed rather uncaring to outsiders - sleeping so much, giving only nonsense answers in interviews but Kaoru knew, Kyo would do almost anything to see them happy. Kyo, his old friend. Why wouldn't Kyo tell him? The only time he felt really alive was after he had exhausted himself with singing. He remembered being safe in Toshiya's arms the night before. He even slept deeply without the usual dreams, which hunted him nowadays. /But I did it on my own account, didn't I? I'm the one to blame for every nightmare./ Kyo thought as he looked at the studio window, seeing figures moving around busily. Toshiya and Kaoru returned from wherever and Kyo smiled at Toshiya. The bassist was happy with his life. That should make him happy, shouldn't it? It did...yes...it did...somehow. Kyo looked down at his hands. Not patient enough to learn a instrument. Mostly impatient on lyrics. But good in giving a tall man enough pleasure to help his band. That was a good thing, right? They were going to be famous. They could do what all five of them loved so much - making music. Kyo rolled himself into a tight ball. The skinned off parts of his arms burned and reminded him of his deeds and their price. "Why are you bandaged?" he heard his sex-partner ask, without real interest. Kyo felt the slender man blowing cigarette smoke into the back of his neck. What could he say? "A little accident..." Kyo's voice was flat. /Just do me and let me go... Use me, but don't come any closer. Don't open me up more, than I am already./ Then he felt the first careless kiss, rapidly growing passionate. He was nearly triumphant. That was then. But right here and now he could feel his own essence seep out of him through the hole, that was growing with every sexual intercourse. He could almost feel it dropping on the cold floor, straight vaporising into nothingness. Die and Shinya watched him worried. Neither one of the two man found the courage to talk to Kyo, until Die pushed Shinya towards their vocalist. Shinya shot a helpless glance back at the guitarist and then stood beside Kyo. "Ano..." Kyo looked up to the tall young man and hoped that he wasn't at least radiating half as much despair as he felt. Shinya looked so young, really cute. He could feel Shinya's inner strength. Kyo stood up and smiled excusingly. "It's nothing, just the stress." Shinya nodded, even though he felt Kyo's words being an excuse somehow. Kyo was left alone again. Half of him relieved that there were no more questions half of him wanting to tell them so much. What would they think of him afterwards? Would they despise him? How could they not...? He already despised himself. Standing behind his mic he felt all alone, even though many many people were around him. His head lowered he waited for another day to end. "Just a few more days." Kaoru pointed out as they took another break to smoke and chat. Shinya stood a little distant and looked a the smokers like he gladly would make them eat their cigarettes. "We're really doing it. Finally!" Delighted faces around him made the guitarist smile. Even Kyo smiled he noticed. A tall shadow appeared behind them and a deep and pleasant voice made Kyo jump and shiver. "Good work. Do you wanna throw a party when recording is finished?" "Sure!" Die answered happily. "It will be wild and loud!" Toshiya jumped up and down. Kyo backed a bit, just feeling the need to put a distance between himself and that man. He bumped into Kaoru and turned around. "I'm sorry." he snapped and Kaoru could catch a haunted look in the smaller man's eyes. Kyo looked around panic-stricken and finally headed towards the toilet. He couln't stand being in his presence, hearing this familiar voice speak. Kyo remembered the day he noticed those looks aiming at Toshiya. Greedy, without mercy, eating him up like a delicious snack. Kyo looked at the bubbly, giggly bassist, who was smiling and exchanging jokes with Die. Innocence struck him. He hoped Toshiya didn't notice those looks, that the young man wouldn't be dirtied just because he was beautiful and desireable. Kyo could almost see him fade away and lose everything that made him Toshiya. Not as long as he could prevent it. He had gone into the office that evening, faced the man. "Oh, it's you." the older man flashed Kyo one of his business smiles. "What is it you want from Toshiya?" Kyo asked. The older man looked at him with his very cooly composed face. "He's good." "That's not what you really want, is it?" The other man cast Kyo a thoughtful glance. "I could really help you guys, you know?" he said bewitchingly cool. "IF you are ready to repay me." "Whatever you wanted to do with Toshiya in exchange... You can do it with me. Just leave him and the others alone." Kyo offered, carefully, not daring to look at the older man. He continued to examine the floor, as he suddenly felt firm hands on his back and a cool voice in his ear. "Offer accepted." They had started recording soon after. Kyo leaned his cheek to the cool tiles, enjoying the support the touch offered. /Was I ever happy?/ He thought back. Meeting Kaoru, Die and Shinya...performing...finally forming Dir en grey and meeting Toshiya. He was so happy then. /It seems so long ago, like a different world and time./ There seemed no return to that state, no way back. No way out. The door opened. "Here you are, Kyo-chan." Toshiya blurted out. "I've been looking for you." Toshiya dragged the small vocalist out of the washing-room and filled his ears with information about the big and cool party. Kyo let himself be drawn inside Toshiyas happy world, just to take a stroll in the sun there. "It sounds so cool." he admitted and Toshiya flashed him a million dollar smile. "Ne, ne?" Wrapped inside someone elses feelings, Kyo felt nearly good. It would be over soon enough... Slowly he undressed the bandages, sitting on the edge of his bed and looked at the raw red flesh of his arms. /Did I really wipe out all of his fingerprints? I can still feel them.../ The air of the room had a pleasant cooling effect on the hot wounds. "Kyo-cha~aan - want some takeout?" he heard Toshiya's cheerful voice, a second before the slender bassist opened the door and froze. "o...my...god..." he choked as he saw Kyo's arms. He ran up to the smaller man and fell on his knees before him. "Kyo, what happened?" Kyo could see pity in the eyes of the younger man. Kyo couldn't think of any excuse. He just mumbled "I'm sorry." Toshiya snorted. "YOU are sorry? Who did that to you?" "Nobody." "Was it an accident? Can I never leave you alone, Kyo-chan?" Toshiya tried to joke, but it came out like a request. Kyo sat silent and boneless hearing the worries of his firend. "Have you seen a doctor?" "No..." "Then we go and see one now!" Toshiyas tone allowed no excuses. "It looks infected." said a nurse and smiled at Kyo. "Don't worry. You're going to be allright." Toshiya had to wait outside. He called up Kaoru. He described the state of Kyo's arms and listened to the long silence on the other end of the line. "I think maybe you should talk to him, Kaoru." The other man kept silent. Toshiya couldn't see that Kaoru had buried his head in his hands. "I will." Toshiya heard, before the other man hung up. Toshiya and Kyo drove home in silence. "It will be allright. No scars." the doctor had told them and Toshiya had hugged Kyo close. At home Toshiya took Kyo's hand and looked at his smaller friend. "You can tell me whatever it is. Please trust me." "I do." Kyo answered automatically. "Should I sleep in your bed tonight?" Kyo nodded. They entangled in the sheets and each other, before they drifted off to sleep. "We need to talk, Kyo." Kaoru held back the tiny vocalist and looked at him very seriously. Kyo had seen this coming after Toshiya had discovered his arms. Now he had to face the ultimate challenge Kaoru. Kyo nodded slowly. "When?" "After recording. My apartment." But as he wanted to leave, his mobile rang. "Meet me." a cool voice stopped Kyo. "I...I have to meet..." Kyo began to excuse himself. "Do you guys wanna tour?" "Sure..." "Then meet me." the cool voice knew no mercy. Nothing but voicing his own desires. Never wanting to know what Kyo had say. /I'm just a body he can use. It does not bother him. Why does it bother me this much...why...?/ Kyo dialled Kaorus number and thought of what to say to his friend and bandmate. "Yes?" he heard Kaorus voice and suddenly he felt tears brimming his eyes. "I can't make it tonight. Sorry." his words were nearly sobs. The other man's silence cut into Kyo's heart. "Kaoru?" Kyo asked in a little voice. "See you tomorrow then." he finally heard and the line was cut. Loss spread throughout the petit man. With heavy strides and heart he headed towards his destination. As he felt the other man enter his body, he left it, not able to stand the thought of sharing it. He looked down at the scene from the side of the luxurious bed. Himself, buried under the much bigger body of the other man, eyes open, without focus, lifeless. The other, using him to reach some pleasure. Even though this should have been an act of desire and joy, Kyo just felt sad looking at himself being fucked. He looked so lonely in the closest possible contact. He felt it too. As the bigger man orgasmed and relaxed, Kyo returned inside his body unwillingly. Dripping out of his eyes were tears; dripping out of his heart was himself. Sitting alone in the night in front of a drink he couldn't stand. Disapppointing Kaoru. Scaring Toshiya. Worrying Die and Shinya, that was all he was doing in the moment. And he was getting sick of it. He glimpsed at the people inside the small bar. Most of them strange creatures of the night, just like himself. That was good. He took another sip of the drink before him and shuddered. He hated alcohol. Someone asked for karaoke and the karaoke machine was activated. Kyo decided to leave, not feeling alble to bear happiness in the moment, but the alcohol slowed him down. When he heard the first lines of the song he raised his eyes and stared at the tiny stage. After the song was finished Kyo went to the singer. "You have a good voice." he simply stated, neither jealous nor overjoyed. The young man looked at him and smiled cutely. Kyo studied the pouty sensual lips and the shy smile of that human. He was suitable. "What is your name?" The young man bowed a little, but before he even could speak, Kyo said. "It doesn't matter, anyway. From now on it will be Kyo." Toshiya had waited the whole night again. Kaoru called him up, saying that Kyo excused himself again. Toshiya couldn't believe it. No one should dare to disappoint Kaoru. But as it seemed, Kyo was really in deep personal trouble. And he cared for the little vocalist as a friend. When he heard Kyo opening the door he went to greet him. "Evening Kyo." he said coolly. Kyo looked at Toshiya, a spark of his old self lingering in the eyes of the vocalist, but fading away gradually. "You're still up?" Kyo's voice slurred a little. Toshiya was surprised. Kyo had drunk alcohol. Didn't he normally hate it and only drank when he and Die forced him to?
"Kyo....Kaoru was very upset that you..." he began his speech he had prepared during the long waiting hours.
"I know..." he was interrupted by Kyo's harsh tone of voice. Then the voice dropped to sad and miserably helpless. "I know...I didn't want to upset him or you or anyone...I'm so sorry. " Kyo dropped his head and Toshiya could see the blond hair growing out.
"Kyo, we all are worried about you. Won't you tell me? Please tell me." Toshiya begged his voice cracking with worry and fear. There had been a certain emptiness in Kyos eyes before he had lowered his head.
"It will be over soon, I promise." Kyo mumbled.
"What will be over?! Say it, dammit!" Toshiya felt his helplessness turn into blazing anger. "I cannot watch you suffer like that. What kind of a friend would I be?"
"Just leave me alone a little longer, Toshiya...just a little...everything will be fine." The petit man felt tears creeping into his eyes. Then he fell to his knees, his hand covering his eyes.
Toshiya dropped to the floor beside him. He felt scared, like right here and now he was loosing his friend before his eyes and there was nothing he could do.
He reached out to touch Kyo, but the older man backed away, whispering:
"Don't touch me, don't touch me...you'll get dirty..." There was a craziness in these words.
Toshiya felt is own tears stinging. He had to talk to the others tomorrow.
They were loosing Kyo and he couldn't figure why.
He observed Kyo retreating to his room.
Then he fell against a wall and started to cry. Entering the studio together without exchanging a word the whole morning, Toshiya searched for their leader and made a tired and worried face, while Kyo headed for the mic.
Kaoru didn't even look at the small man. He was disappointed.
But Toshiya glared at him. Kaoru shrugged and joined Toshiya outside the studio, lighting a cigarette.
"It's getting worse, Kaoru. He cried yesterday. He wouldn't let me come any closer to him. He scares me and I'm so worried about him."
Kaoru studied the disturbed face of Toshiya.
"He sounded very strange when he called me. What shall I do? Maybe he needs professional help?"
he wondered aloud.
Toshiyas eyes widened. But then he nodded slowly.
"Maybe that would be for the best." During a break Kaoru sat down next to Kyo.
Kyo inched away, not wanting to soil Kaoru. Then he heard the silent and calm voice of his friend and their band-leader.
"I know that there is something that really troubles you, Kyo. But since you don't want to talk about it to me or Toshiya or anyone, maybe you will talk to someone else." Kaoru sighed and offered a cigarette to Kyo absently. Kyo refused, looking like a little boy full of fear of being rejected and laughed at.
"Please Kyo. Talk to someone. It cannot go on like this, cause we need you."
"I'm sorry..." Kyo mumbled, a little lame. "I told Toshiya already, it will not be for long."
"I want you to talk to someone now." Kaoru ordered him strictly, in a tone that proved his leader position. Kyo hung his head low.
What was he supposed to do now?
Recording was nearly finished and then...
The tour he almost forgot.
Would this never end? "It's done!" Die smiled brightly at his band-mates. And everyone cheered loudly and began to babble nonsense. Even Kyo, who managed a real, bright smile for the first time in days.
It felt so unfamiliar and displaced.
In the middle of happiness he felt isolated, just swimming through.
"Then we'll have a party and you will feel much better for sure!" Toshiya assured Kyo in a cheery and cute way.
Kyo really wished it could have been so easy.

The Album was released an an immediate success.
Kyo tried to act as normal as possible and all of them became to busy, no one asked what was wrong because there was just not the time to notice.
And the sexual intercourses became fewer, due to Kyos duties as a vocalist.
That also helped a lot.
Kyo was teaching his student whenever he had time.
He felt an urgency, which he couldn't really place.
He just sensed that time was running out on him somehow. And there was not only one party, there were many.
At one of the parties, Kyo was sitting at a table a little quiet and smiling a fake cold smile. Two girls came up to him, asking for an autograph. He agreed pleased and they managed to some piece of paper and even something to write with.
Kyo began to write the one simple Kanji, that he had chosen as his name.
But suddenly he stopped.
He was not able to write it. He just couldn't.
His hands wouldn't move to complete the sign.
He sat there, unmoving, the two girls urging behind him and felt beaten.
He gulped.
Mumbling excuses he left in haste.
The two girls were very disappointed.
His band-mates were surprised but pretty girls and nice drinks seemed more appealing than running after Kyo in the night.
After all, he had returned to normal. Kyo was not home when Toshiya returned.
The rooms were strangely silent, as if someone had died in there and the smell still lingered.
Toshiya wrapped his arms around himself as he entered his room.
It was about time he got one of his own.
With Kyo around all he ever did was worry. "It's perfect." Kyo said with a soft real smile, as he looked at the beautiful make-up his student presented him. "How do you feel?"
The black-red mouth twisted into a fake-evil smile.
"Like Kyo."
Kyo nodded and turned around to face the already dawning day.
"Soon it will be time." he just stated and he could see a bright smile lighten up the other mans face mirrored in the window. Sincere happiness,
He was bright, a little crazy and...
...nearly perfect.
An ideal companion for Toshiya, a good boy for Die to tease, a less good boy to tease Shinya and finally a good singer and friend for Kaoru.
They were safe and cared for. He felt strangely enthusiastic.
He would not leave them alone. Never ever.
They were everything to him, yet so far away from him now.
Unreachable for this loathsome creature, who was almost lacking a simple name.
It was gone from him, leaving him empty.
But it was okay now. It was the right time.
He would have liked to be with them for much, much longer, but...
It wasn't to be. Fighting back the feeling of loss and turmoil, he leaned his face to the window.
Again the cool surface was soothing him and giving him support.
Backing, he nodded a little to himself and then he turned to leave.
"Remember to come to the appointed place, when I call you." he told the other as he left.
"Sure thing." he heard just before he closed the door behind him. When he entered the apartment he heard two voices from the kitchen.
One belonging to Toshiya and the other belonging to Kaoru.
He kicked off his shoes and entered the kitchen.
"Good morning, Kyo. Where have you been?" Toshiya asked, a little motherlike.
Kaoru seemed to back up Toshiyas small accuse behind those words.
"I'm sorry. I had a date."
"Wha~at?" Toshiya suddenly smiled brightly. "Little Kyo is going out on dates?"
Kaorus face softened, suddenly filled with friendship and maybe a hint of more.
Kyo smiled at the old joke about his height.
"What are you doing here, Kaoru?"
"I had a call this morning." Kaoru smile began to widen and grow really triumphant.
"We're going to tour!"
Kyo stared at his band-leader.
All of it was coming true?
Had he finally contributed enough?
"Kyo? Say something. Look here..." Kaoru showed him a sheet of paper.
"I signed it yesterday."
Kyo glanced at the computer-printed paper ad finally at the kanji at the bottom.
Those were not the Kanji of that person. Not HIS.
"Who...?" Kyo whispered, almost inaudible. Kaoru heard him non the less.
"You don't know them. They think we are good enough to fill those big halls. Unbelievable, ne?"
Suddenly Kyo began to tremble a little.
Then harder.
Finally he chuckled and then let out an insane laughter full of despair.
Toshiya was about to flee when Kyo went silent.
"Really unbelievable." Kyo said and wiped away tears of laughter or pain.
Not even he himself was sure.
"You're really a great leader, Kaoru." and he sounded sincere.
Then Kyo beamed at the blue haired man. "The best."
Kaoru was bewildered while Kyo left the kitchen. He went in his room and fell on his bed fully clothed.
There were no more tears left for him now.
Everything had been taken care of, hadn't it?
Everything would be perfect.
That must have been a clue of destiny.
The time had come.
His heart suddenly felt light and free, soaring with new found hope.
The hope for a fast end. "Kyo really is strange sometimes." Toshiya admitted quietly in the kitchen.
Kaoru nodded. He felt the urge to look after his little friend.
He entered the room silently and very carefully, not to scare Kyo, who seemed fast asleep on the bed.
His sleeping form looked relaxed, a state he hadn't seen a long time. A satisfied childlike face between the tousled hair.
He appeared very much at peace with the world.
Kaoru didn't dare to disturb him and left as silently as he had entered. When Kaoru told them the great news in the evening Die teased Shinya with a kiss. The faint blush amused Die and he continued to tease Shinya..
The leader of Dir en grey looked at them smiling his very special smile...
Toshiya giggled at Shinyas reaction.
Kyo smiled and felt like he really had to keep this forever.
Let it burn into the back of his mind, to be there wherever he went, whoever he talked to and whatever he would do...
"Most important" were words that suddenly popped into his mind.
And he hung his head in regret and in loss.
Deep loss.
His conviction became frail...
How he longed to be with them, stay with them.
It was way too soon. Too soon to be already parted.
So many things left to say and do.
So many lyrics to write.
His throat felt strangled but his tears had really run dry.
Would they be enough to fill him again? But there was nothing left inside of him to give them.
Nothing....deep within him was simply nothing.
Not a single piece to hold on to.
All dripped out of a rip, a cruel rip he had not inflicted himself.
But he had to face the fact that he was responsible for it.
And it was up to him to end it.
He had decided.
Everything was prepared.
He had to go now. Kyo went up to the other for and flashed his most sincere and open smile at them.
"This is what we all have wished for, isn't it?"
They began to talk full of enthusiasm and Kyo smiled.
As Die and Toshiya began to tease Shinya more, Kyo turned to Kaoru.
"Thank you for everything, Kaoru." his voice was deep and full of emotion.
Kaoru shook his head. "No, we all did it."
The little vocalist laughed a little "It's not what I meant."
Kaoru nodded smiling.
Suddenly he felt hugged by his friend briefly and desperate.
Then the smaller man turned to go, leaving a bewildered Kaoru. Before they could ask questions, Kyo hurried out, regretting that he had never thanked Toshiya
for his care and kindness.
"KYO!" he heard Toshiya's voice behind him. "Leaving again on a date?"
Kyo turned around to see the graceful figure running towards him.
"Toshiya..." the syllables of this name felt so sweet to speak.
The taller man came to a halt and studied Kyo teasingly.
Kyos hand came up to cup his face.
"Stay like this as long as you can." he whispered in urgency. Kyos eyes seemed so lost...piercing right into his own.
Toshiya gulped.
"Kyo...?" his voice was full of cold fear. This felt like a final meeting.
"I've got a date to keep. Sayounara, Toshiya." the little man removed his hand from Toshiyas cheek in a tender caress. Toshiya knew he should follow Kyo, but he just couldn't.
He just stood there and watched him walk away in long strides full of determination.
Kyo entered his and Toshiyas apartment.
He slipped into his room opening his window.
Then he removed the bandages around his arms. It burned.
The burning let him knew he was a living feeling being.
The pain felt so reviving to him.
His lips formed a cruel smile.
He grapped the phone and dialled a number, he never had expected to dial in his whole life.
As the cool voice answered, he was glad to hear it, for the first time.
"Yes?"
"It's me, K...Kyo. I need to meet you." the small man managed to bring out, serenely.
"The usual place?"
"Yes." Kyo felt a sudden surge of power. It was like lightning.
"I'll be there."
The line was cut.
He dialled another number, hands a little shaky.
Afterwards Kyo looked into the bathroom mirror.
A well known face with the eyes of a stranger. Empty eyes, strange eyes...glinting with a hint of madness.
He closed them before himself and felt a wild scream burn in his chest. He wouldn't let it out or he would have heard his own death. He turned and left the bathroom which was filled with the smell of blood.
A lonely figure stood in the quiet apartment, enjoying memories lingering there for a last time.
Then he went to begin without he end. he lay on his bed, waiting for his short lover.
A cold professional smile lingered on his lips.
An easy catch.
A sexy way to spend your time.
First this little diversion and after that little body became boring the tall and beautiful boy-bassist was still there to own.
A nice thought.
A very alluring thought.
But first a little sexual chillout.
The door bell rang and he went to open it carelessly...
Waiting for his small toy he sat on the bed, wearing only a pair of expensive suit-trousers. Kyo closed the door behind him and cast a dangerous look inside the luxurious apartment.
The waiting man looked at him, the little figure with the mysterious glint in the eyes.
Kyo took some seductive steps towards him, radiating a combination of sex-appeal and deadliness, hand hidden behind his back.
The taller man felt drawn to this unknown creature.
The smirk on those full lips made his skin crawl.
Unknown desire floated through him, spiced with fear.
The smile on Kyos lips turned into a devilish grin and he came closer, registering every single moment of triumph.
The taller man sank back on the bedsheets.
The small vocalist taking the intiative...this was a first timer too.
He lay back, in anticipation for the first contact, a touch, a kiss...maybe even a bite.
He felt the small weight of the younger man sinking in the matress somewhere close to him.
A soft chill ran down his spine, making him shiver in waiting.
He felt the tickle of the other man's breath at his cheek. His eyes drifted shut.
This was going to be exciting.
Kyo slippped a silkscarf over his eyes.
This was going to be most interesting.
And there was a metallic click as hundcuffs were closed around his wrists.
Fingers caressed his chest in a light gesture, drawing closer to his heart, where he could suddely felt something cold and without any human wamth.
"Where's Kyo?" Die asked only just discovering the disappearance of the petit man.
"He said he was going on a date." Toshiya remarked.
"I'm right here." said a voice.
The four of them turned around.
"Who are you?" Kaoru asked full of worry and more than a little confused.
"Kyo." the small, blond man answered very self-concious.
"I know Kyo and you are not him." Toshiya's voice was hard to hide the fear. "Where is Kyo?"
"I am Kyo." the young man answered, smiling and looking perfectly like Kyo for a slit second.
"What have you done with him?" Kaoru's voice was cold and dangereous.
The young man shrugged: "What's wrong with you? Don't you recognize me? I AM Kyo."
Noone responded.
Toshiya had enough of small-talk and ran out to his car.
He hurried to their apartment, despite the Tokyo traffic.
He opened the door in haste.
"Kyo?!?" he called out the other one's name. No answer.
Toshiya halted and suddenly recognized the smell of somthing that was unmistakenly blood.
"KYO?!!!" he screamed out, his voice pitched high from panic.
He opned Kyo's room.
The window was open and a cold breeze caressed Toshiyas face.
Toshiya turned and rushed into the bathroom.
He froze in horror.
The smell of blood was overwhelming.
In large and small it was written on the walls this now redbrown ink from Kyo's, the floor and the mirror with this now redbrown ink from Kyo's veins...the one Kanji with the meaning of...Kyo.
Toshiya felt his knees gibe in and he sank to the floor.
"Do you like being helpless?" the soft whisper of the petit man only heightened his desire.
Handcuffs...he had never thought that the small man would like those...
A strange smell tickled his nose. A little like metal.
Very strange.
Kyo removed the silken scarf from the eyes of the helpless man.
The latter blinked into the light, reflected from a shining blade of the knife in Kyos hands.
"I want you to feel like I feel." Kyo said flatly.
The taller man stared at the knife, realizing it just then as a weapon.
And he spotted Kyos arms, without bandages, covered with he Kanji for the name Kyo, written with something very sharp.
Panic spread throughout his body and he tired to back, but was held steady by the handcuffs, tieing him to the legs of the bed, holding him in a helpless position.
Kyo drank the panic from the eyes of the other man.
The tip of the knife scratched over the skin of the frightened man, leavin a slowly reddening path.
He tried to kick Kyo, but the small man only smiled.
"You stole everything from me. That is allright now. It was my fault. But you won't have them. You won't."
Kyo searched the body of the other man.
He found the spot he had chosen, between the lungs and the essential organs...
"Now...it is time..." he whispered and shoved the knife forward, finding it easy to do.
The shrill scream of the other man sounded like sweet music to his ears.
He turned the knife a little, to prevent the wound from closing.
The red blood colored the pale sheets.
Slowly the spot began to grow.
The other man beathed in pain and sobbed.
The pain and fear written on the other mans face healed a little something in Kyo.
He smiled sweetly.
"Now enjoy it. For you it's only physical pain." Kyo whispered.
Then he kissed the pain-distorted lips of the other man...
"Feel it. You cannot stop it. Feel it flow from you." he whispered dreamily.
He looked out of the window.
"I have to go now..."
He left the bed, not glancing back.
He heard the other man sob out a name, that was no longer of any meaning to him. That was in the past.
The past had passed.
Time to look forward.
The bleeding man called and sobbed.
No one would hear him, here in their secret meeting place.
The little man smiled and closed the door behind him.
He took the bag with the longarmed shirt and pulled it over his head.
That should conceal the ugly wounds on his arms for a while.
He called the lift and suddenly felt tears welling in his eyes.
He let his head rest against the lift-doors and the tears drip on the uncaring floor. Picture lighted up in his head.
Toshiya, full of fear so worried about him calling the police to look for him.
Kaoru calling up peaople he knew to find where he was.
Die, on the edge of going mad, steadily asking a small man questions.
Shinya, worried, his arms wrapped around himself, radiating strength even through his obvious weakness.
Kyo, assuring them, that he was Kyo.
They would accept Kyo in time.
They would become famous and superb. The best, because he knew they were hte best he had ever met.
But know they were no longer his.
They also belonged to the past.
His task now was to fill up the empty inside.
The rip was healed, the chapter had to be closed now.
Blood had cleansed him. He stumbled into the lift and watched the numbers on the diplay change.
Then he glanced at the pale figure mirroring in the walls of the lift.
Someone he didn't know yet.
"Sayounara Kyo." he mumbled, finally letting go.
Then he glanced in the lively bright eyes of the mirrored man.
"And who may you be?" ~finis~

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