NIKA

Let Me Count The Ways In Which I Dislike You

Kaoru let his mind wander. Feeling save and warm. just a little too tired for love-making he could make mind-travels. Letting the past days and weeks being displayed before his closed eyes. Then he suddenly opened them. Staring blankly into the twilight of the room, he felt suddenly less safe than before. "Koi...?" he started carefully, not knowing if he really wanted to wake the other man. If he was asleep at all. They had been cuddling, feeling unable to make love. Maybe just his lover didn't *want* to make love, not to him at least. "Dai..su...ke?" he whispered, afraid to ask, and even more afraid to never know. "Hmmhhhhm?" came a not very awake an incoherent answer. But slowly he struggled for consciousness. Being called by his full first name...didn't mean anything good. "What's wrong between us? We've been together for so long..." "Wha's wrong? Wha happened?" Sleep was clinging heavily to the guitarist. "Why don't we make love anymore?" He felt the purple haired man turn in his arms, so that they were face to face. His lover blinked a few times, trying to get a focus on the face before him. "What do you mean, Kaoru?" he whispered. "When was the last time we had sex? One month ago?" He couldn't remember really. It had been one darn hot night, as far as he recalled. "I wanna know..." Kaoru gulped. "I wanna know if there's someone else." He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling pained and not able to stand the asking look of his lover "You owe me at least an answer, after all our years of being friends and lovers." "Kaoru..." Die took in the pained expression and the hurt in the voice of his long-time companion. Suddenly he felt very protective of the purple haired man. But he also knew Kaoru was right. He had a right to know the truth and to know, why Die had been more distant lately. "I'm not sure..." "Sure? If you love me anymore? If you want to be with me anymore?" Die shot up and looked down at the other guitarist full of rage. "Of course I do! I *am* sure." Kaoru's eyes flew open and he stared up. "You know..." Die began, but his voice trailed off, as he slowly caught the lips of the other man and engaged them in an all out tender and deep kiss. Better than to explain himself. Kaoru would misunderstand. Of that he was sure. Or maybe he wouldn't...but Die had to figure it out for himself first. Kaoru broke the kiss. "You know very well how you always silence me with kisses like these...but not this time. I want to know. And no excuses or sex to distract me." Die fell back and sighed deeply. "I cannot really explain..." He felt a hot glare from his lover, his best "I am the leader attitude" radiated from the man beside him. Die knew he better tried to explain in the best way he could. He stared at the ceiling his eyes were becoming distant and his voice was thoughtful. "It started when I noticed a tiny bit of naked skin. Naked skin between the short shorts an the high boots. I couldn't help but stare. And I just couldn't stop. It was incredibly seductive." Kaoru sucked in the air quite loudly. Die could almost sense how much he hurt his lover and companion with every word. But Kaoru was strong. And he loved this guitarist very much, a deep long-lasting love, always burning underneath even when they were careless teasing each other and in the middle of a heated argument. He didn't want it to slip away. So he had to be open to Kaoru, if he wanted to keep him. But maybe he would lose the purple haired leader through his confession. The long silence caused Kaoru to urge Die to go on. He shook the other man lightly and Die raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to hear this?" Kaoru nodded very firmly. "Okay..." Die sighed again and then took a deep breath to continue. "You know, I kept staring at this tiny bit of exposed skin and suddenly I felt the desire to touch it. Just let my thumb glide over this pale little patch. Then let my index-finger squirm under the rim of the boots. Discovering the texture of that skin, that was more important to me than anything for a split second." Die stopped and waited for a burst of anger and rage from his lover. But Kaoru remained completely silent. Whether that was a good or bad sign Die was not sure. Maybe Kaoru listened to him an tried to understand. Maybe he was just too angry and disappointed to speak. Die licked his lips nervously. "I thought, maybe I was just caught in the magic of the moment and I would pass. But then I noticed other things. The way his neck and shoulder meet...the smooth curve of his lips... just little things. And I scolded myself...Die you love Kaoru. You shouldn't look at him like this." No word from Kaoru. Not a sideways glance. Kaoru was silent, he could as well have asleep. Die felt his throat was dry and he needed courage to continue. "And that's when I felt guilty. That's why I kept distant." "You didn't make love to this guy?" came the dry question "No." "Do I know him?" "Yes." "Who is it?" the tone allowed no contradiction. "It's Shinya..." Die heard the other man gasp, a long silence followed. "Okay." was all Kaoru said before he turned so his back faced Die, then he mumbled "Oyasumi." in a suprisingly neutral tone. Die stared at the back of the leader of Dir en grey. This was more alarming than any quarrel they had ever been in. Die couldn't sleep, he was haunted by the thought, that he had lost Kaoru for good. The morning seemed like always. Kaoru was in a good mood and Die couldn't help but feel really nervous. Should he touch upon the topic? But he wanted Kaoru to do the first step. He felt all uptight and awkward while his purple-haired lover seemed to have no care in the world except getting a shower and some breakfast. "You're certainly in a good mood." he mumbled accusingly. Kaoru raised his eyebrows and smiled very slyly. "Well, is there anything wrong with that?" Kaoru smiled like an innocent little lamb and Die became afraid. He gulped and remained silent during breakfast, always keeping a good eye on the other guitarist. "Ohhaaaaaaa~" Kaoru called out cheerfully into the studio they used for practice. Shinya and Toshiya, who had been there earlier blinked in surprise. "Kaoru-san?" Shinya asked unbelievingly. Kaoru flashed him a dashing smile, that made the fragile drummer blush a deeper shade of red. "Isn't it a lovely morning? Ne, Shinya-kun?" Toshiya raised an eyebrow. A much less hyper guitarist finally entered the studio. "Ohayou, minna..." his eye caught the three men and rested on the drummer and his lover. Why the heck was Shinya as red as a tomato and Kaoru so close to him? Almost touching the fragile drummer. His small and elegant hands almost touching one of Shinya's delicious thighs. Kaoru wanted revenge, that was obvious. "Ne, Shinya-kun..." he could hear his lover purr into the ears of the embarrassed drummer. "I've got to talk to you after practice. Do you mind?" The drummer shook his head in an daze. Kaoru could be very enticing if he wished to be. *Very* enticing. "okay..." the purple head flashed Shinya a last of his smiles and then went to set up his guitar, without another look at his boyfriend who took in the whole scene and felt a pang of jealousy. They all waited for Kyo to appear and when he did, he was totally out of breath and flushed. "Gomen...!" he squeezed out. "Traffic was horrible." He earned an annoyed look from everyone, except Toshiya who shook his head and stormed to the vocalist. "Do you mind coming in a little earlier?" All other members of Dir en grey blinked and stared at the bassist in awe. //What is wrong today?// Shinya thought. //Everyone is acting so strange. Except Kyo... Toshiya being dutiful? Die being silent? Kaoru being...being...close. So. Very. close.// He blushed behind his drums. Kyo glanced at Toshiya like a rabbit would stare at a truck. Really perplex. Kaoru frowned. Toshiya taking up his leader attitudes? "Oi, you two..." he called out, breaking the tense silence between the bassist and the little blonde singer. "Since Kyo was late, we better start now. Toshiya-kun, would you take your place, please?" Kaoru proved that his leader ability was still the best and the pretty bassist twitched a little. Eyes filled with contempt, he cast a last long glance at the tiny blonde before taking his bass. Die sighed. Then he studied his long-time lover. Obviously Kaoru ignored him, bestowing serious glances on everyone else. This was going to be a long practice, Die sighed again. The tension between the members rose as they tried to make music. When Toshiya did the right riff, Kyo suddenly sung a wrong note, or Die couldn't keep up. It sounded like a band full of strangers trying to get a simple melody done, but failing badly. Even Kaoru couldn't concentrate. He had to think of his meeting with Shinya and the words he would offer the younger man. Finally he waved and all the others stopped their attempts. "That's enough. It sounds horrible." Everyone knew their leader was right. "Sorry Kaoru." Die apologised first. His voice sounded more hurt than fitted the situation. The others muttered apologies but Kaoru sighed "Let's call it a day." The purple-head started to pack up his guitar and flinged short looks at Die. He seemed nervous, biting his lower lip, fiddling some strings. Kaoru smile was really evil and hard to tame. But when Die felt watched and searched for Kaoru, the face of his lover seemed expressionless. He strolled over. "Wanna have dinner together?" he asked carefully. "I'm sorry, Die. I've gotta talk to Shinya." inside he was laughing, but on the outside he kept cool. Die's asking expression crumbled and revealed jealousy. "Do whatever you like. I will be with you later." Kaoru informed him sweetly. Die felt a sharp pain inside him, affirming his thoughts of the night before. Maybe he really was about to lose his Kaoru for good. And it hurt like hell. //Shinya be damned. Why do you have to be so sexy?// Kaoru presented him a smile, before he went over to Shinya, leaving a disturbed Die. "Shinya-kun?" "Ha...hai..." Shinya felt himself blushing again. What the heck..? It was not his normal behaviour to be easily embarrassed especially not with someone he had known for some years. But Kaoru seemed so different today. The complete opposit to the more reserved guy he was normally. While the bubbly Die had become a stonefaced bundle of pain. "Shinya-kun, care for some dinner while talking? I'm starving." "Kaoru-san...?" Shinya began, but felt hungry as well. "Okay. Let's have dinner." Kaoru nodded and they vanished. Toshiya accompanied Die for a smoke outside. "What's going on between you two lovebirds?" The pretty bassist asked, while inhaling deeply. "It's nothing. He found out, I felt something for Shinya." Toshiya coughed. "What?" he croaked with tears in his eyes. "Right. And since them he's been like that. Frighteningly cheerful, flirting with Shinya." Die's sad voice trailed off thoughtfully. "I always thought nothing on earth could ever break you two apart." Toshiya thought aloud. "But Die you cannot allow that. I think you should beg Kaoru for forgiveness or something like that. Buy him flowers." "Buy flowers? For Kaoru?" Die laughed a little. "He certainly is not the flower-type." Toshiya shrugged. He had liked the two of them together. Weighing out each other's weaknesses and sharing the strengths. The most natural thing. "Maybe he just wants revenge and when he thinks you suffered enough, he will return to you." Die's eyes shot to the bassist. Maybe Toshiya was right. And Kaoru would return to him afterwards. He was suffering well enough, but now there was a spark of hope glinting in his heart. "Thanks Totchi." he smiled a little at the other man and lighted another cigarette. "Kaoru-san, what do you want talk about?" "It's about Die. He really likes you, Shinya." Shinya lips curled into a cute smile. "I like him too. He's so nice and sociable. You can talk to him about everything." Kaoru grinned like a madman. "Is that all?" Shinya looked up to his leader shyly and nodded hesitantly. He noticed the open smile on Kaoru's face and the high cheekbones, the graceful facial features giving him a whole new impression of that man on the other side of the table. The ordered food arrived, smelling deliciously. "Maybe you want to join me for a drink in my apaato afterwards?" Kaoru asked the young man in a cheerful tone. Shinya's mouth stood wide open. //He is coming on to me?// he thought and blinked a few times. Going there to have sex with Kaoru? Well, he had to admit, Kaoru was seductive. And after all, his body-language was saying it all. Shinya's smile was amused. "Sure, Kaoru-san." Die sighed and decided to visit Kaoru in his apartment to talk to him again, swearing never to think of anyone else again, grovelling at Kaoru's feet if needed. He pulled out his set of keys to open the door. Immediately he heard voices. One definitely Kaoru's deep voice the other...Shinya? He was on his way out before he could think about it. Kaoru heard the keys in his door and rushed out to see, if it was Die. He managed to catch the fleeing guitarist by the sleeve. "Hey, where do you think you're going?" "I don't want to disturb you and your new lover." Die's voice was loud and indignant. Kaoru snorted out amused. "What do you mean? Come back." he ordered in his usual leader tone of voice. Die turned and his lips trembled showing his hurt and stubbornness. "Please, come back." Kaoru added, in a much softer and soothing way. Die confronted his lover and saw a mild look on the beloved face. "O...okay..." he finally gave in. He felt his hand taken by the purple-haired guitarist, an led into the living room "Remember this will be the only time I will you allow to wear shoes in here." Kaoru whispered to him, making Die smile for a second. How typical. Shinya was sitting on the couch, looking up to Die expectantly. "Hi Die." he welcomed the man, who was dragged in by Kaoru, before his lover pushed him on the couch, next to Shinya, who was holding onto a can of beer. "Die, now you can tell Shinya-kun exactly what you told me last night." Die whispered into the ear of his astonished lover. Die was speechless. He searched for help in Shinya's angelic face. But the young one seemed as stunned as he was himself. "Kaoru-san?" the drummer wonderingly looked at the man, standing before the couch, smiling approvingly. Then the purple-haired guitarist sat down on Shinya's other side and leaned on the drummer. Neither of them said a word. Kaoru sighed and whispered into Shinya's ear. "Show him your skin." Shinya's eyes widened and he blushed instantly, casting his eyes to the fabric of the couch chastely. Kaoru's small and gentle hands travelled down to Shinya's thighs slowly, causing Shinya to shiver and gasp. Then the daring fingers exposed a little patch of skin underneath the short skirt, the part between shorts and stockings, darting provocative looks at Die, who was fascinated by the view of the finger of his lover on the pale skin. Teasingly the index-finger began to caress the small patch of skin before Die's eyes, while Shinya's lashes fluttered close and he leaned back at Kaoru. Freed butterflies fluttered in his stomach, while his breath became laboured. He took in Kaoru's alluring fragrance //His mother gave him the right name...// whirled though his head. The younger man twisted and searched for Kaoru's lips. Now it was the band-leader who was surprised, when his mouth was covered by the full lips of the young drummer. "Shinya..." he urged out, when he felt that the young man flinged a leg over the lap of the guitarist and the thin arms crawl around his neck, searching for more intimate contact. Kaoru contacted his lover with his eyes, looking an little confused. But Die's looks lingered lustily on the two beautiful men before him, being blind for the glare of his long-time lover. "Shinya..." Kaoru tried to reach the young drummer again, pushing him away softly. "Oh...Kaoru..." Shinya sighed and began to lick-bite the older man's ear in an erotic way. Kaoru escaped a tiny moan. This was definitely different than his last times of making love to Die, offensive and direct. But this had not been his plan. He had wanted Die and Shinya to have sex, and now, Shinya was already roaming his chest with his hands and questing for a little entrance to feel the skin of the other man. The continuing onslaught of Shinya's lips and fingers confused the older man more and more... He bowed his head back to allow Shinya better access to his throat, feeling more needy than he had in a long time. //What am I doing?// this clear recognition flashed up in his head. He struggled for self-control and opened his eyes, only to meet Die's. The other guitarist hovered above him, standing behind the couch, hungry deep gaze burning inside his eyes. "So sexy..." he whispered and leaned down to lick Kaoru's slightly swollen lips. Kaoru felt the hot tongue of Die at his lips, while Shinya had been successful in exposing some of the purple-haired man's chest an now placed teasing licks on it, slowly working to the soft nipple to curl his tongue around it and hear Kaoru moan into Die's mouth as a reward. Kaoru felt helplessly drowning in the double sensual impact, desire washing away coherent thoughts, all melting in the expectance of another sensation, another proof that he was still alive. Die's hands crawled south over Kaoru's chest an cupping the drummer's chin to pull the younger man up for a long lazy kiss, watched by his purple-haired lover through half-lidded lids. Kaoru gulped as he felt Shinya move on his lap, his state of arousal suddenly coming into focus. The friction between him and the younger man became unbearable. "Please..." he uttered softly, strained. Die chuckled deep in his throat, he knew this pleading tone from his lover. Shinya smiled at Die and returned his attention to Kaoru, unbuttoning the leather pants and teasingly let his fingertips draw along the erected length he found there. Kaoru arched back, a strangled moan escaped his lips, almost a scream. Die got rid of his shoes gathered a tube of lube from the bedroom and crawled on the couch, approaching Kaoru from the side slowly pulling him up to his chest, while Shinya was still busy harassing the erection of his band-leader with licks and strokes, making the older man dazed and trembling with lust. The little noises Kaoru made aroused Die even more. His companion safely propped to his chest he watched Shinya's efforts dreamily. "I like to be inside you, sweetest koi." he whispered into the ear of the distracted other man, whose eyes popped open at once. "Die.." he panted, Shinya stopped too and wonderingly looked at Die. Shinya nodded slowly and Die urged the purple-haired guitarist on his knees, after he had dropped his pants and he rubbed some lube on his erection. Kaoru knew how it would feel, this delicate way of being conquered. He could see, that Die handed the lube to the drummer, who smirked and warmed some in his hands, all the while kissing Kaoru's idle lips. The band leader felt paralysed by the extreme lust directed at him from both men. While kissing, he could also sense the long fingers of Shinya on his erection, covering it, sending little pleasure ripples up his spine. Then Shinya's fingers led his smaller ones to his shorts, never breaking those magical kisses. Kaoru's fingers tried clumsily to undress the slim body, when Die closed up to him, covering his throat with love-bites. That didn't helped Kaoru's attempts. Shinya undid the shorts himself and pulled Kaoru down on him, wrapping his slender legs around the older man's waist. "I want you, Kaoru -san." his voice sounded surprisingly shy. Kaoru licked his lips and let one finger slip inside the younger man, who whimpered at the intimate contact. "No need..." the lithe drummer panted. Kaoru frowned. But Shinya's hand reached for his cheek and made him look up into the younger man's eyes. There was nothing but sincerity and lust, no fear. Kaoru smiled weakly and slowly began to enter the drummer, who licked his lips and wriggled his hips to urge Kaoru to go deeper. Heat and pleasure swept both of them, as they suddenly felt another weight. Die sandwiched Kaoru and slowly embedded in his lover, each stroke transferring through Kaoru's hips inside Shinya, making them moan in unison. They were completely quiet for an eternal moment, before Die slowly began to move, and Kaoru joined his rhythm. The pace sped up, Kaoru blindly reaching for Shinya's erection, giving him a hand-job. "I love you, Kaoru." Die screamed in his climax, the other two climaxed too, Kaoru heard his name from the lips of the drummer, he himself just at a loss for words, just screaming out at the top of his lungs. Die crushed on his lover, who felt weak, but managed to get out. "We're crushing Shinya." Die rolled of and Kaoru slumped between the both of them. Their heartbeats slowed down, their breaths became quieter and the feelings were still unsorted. "What now?" Kaoru asked into the aftermath. "I love you. As much as always." Die stated. Shinya, cuddled up to Kaoru's chest. "I like you a lot, Kaoru-san. I would like to be with you. Both of you. If that is okay, with you and Die." Kaoru felt Dies arms around the both of them. "I don't mind have two pretty ones at my will." he mumbled. Kaoru sighed in a mixture of resignation and happiness. "I hope this will work out. But before anything else...let's have a shower an move to the bed." Shinya giggled softly and Die chuckled. "Hai, leader-sama." the two of them replied in unison. End part DxKxS It was awfully quiet in the studio when Toshiya entered it. No sign of Kaoru, Die or Shinya. Not to mention Kyo. He stared at the clock. They all were late and suddenly he felt like he shouldn't have come in the first place. He snorted at the empty room. The door opened and a happy trio came in giggling and teasing each other. All three seemed very much at ease with each other, even though they were not touching, Toshiya could almost see the bonds glow between them. He sighed and turned to his bass, while the three happy lovers greeted him. Die in his smiling way, Kaoru polite and nice and Shinya like a friend. Toshiya acknowledged them with an nod and set his eyes on his black beauty of a bass. Their joy felt bitter to him, because he could see that his life had slowly become empty. Sleeping with a lot of fan-girls had really been boring. Nothing was more than skin-deep. Encounters of the sexual kind First it had thrilled him, but now.. it felt so sterile. Two bodies. Sex. Orgasm. Nothingness. No substance. It passed through him without leaving traces or memories. He couldn't stand those three. He felt humiliated and barren. "Where's Kyo?" Kaoru asked no one special. Die stopped staring at his two lovers, blinking. He felt too blissful to be wondering too much. But since Kaoru mentioned it... Shinya shrugged and vanished behind his drums and Kaoru nodded. "Let's start without him. After our performance yesterday we have a lot to make up for." He let go of his light-headedness and acquired his leader-self. All nodded. Shinya and Die a lot more enthusiastic than Toshiya. The practice started smoothly...until Toshiya caught a longing glance from the red-haired guitarist to Shinya, filled with so much energy, he almost sweared it would have burned a hole in his stomach if he hadn't ducked. His fingers lost the rhythm of the song, and fiddled something strange and completely wrong. Damn that Die. Toshiya sighed, his thoughts drifting away to his one-night stand. Pretty. They all were pretty. Living dolls, made to look like the real thing. Almost. Almost alive, as if they could finally bestow something authentic and palpable into his life. But after use they were nothing but silent shells. Suddenly he noticed the stares of the others. "What?" he inquired. "Let's have a break. Kyo is not here yet. Has anyone tried to call him?" Kaoru called out to break the silence. Everyone shrugged, except the bassist, who was on his way out for a smoke. Die grabbed his keitai and dialled Kyo's number. "It's not on.." he informed the others, putting back the mobile. Kaoru shrugged. "Probably just low on batteries...." He turned to follow the bassist, but felt two arms crawl around him "Don't go out, Kaoru-san. It's not good for your health." he felt Shinya's whisper and his teasing tongue on his ear. "Hey, no fair, you two..." Die protested and was attacking Kaoru's lips faster than the eye could see. "I could become a non-smoker with you two." Kaoru sighed between kisses. He remembered the morning, waking up between his two lovers, between arms and legs and different smells, combining into a feeling of wholeness, security and strength. How were you supposed to work when you were melting into pleasure like this? He heard the door open and pushed the two men away, blinking at the intruder, pupils dilated from arousal. "Kyo?" he shouted out. "I was out, had no alarm. Sorry." Kyo looked totally overslept and beside himself. He smirked and shook his head. "Really sorry." Then he smiled evilly. "But it seemed you three didn't mind the delay..." he chuckled, took off his jacket and ignored the three highly embarrassed men. "Seems I'm not the only one late...Where's our beauty?" he asked very casually, as if it was nothing to be concerned about. "He's out for a smoke." Die pointed to the door, his one hand never leaving Kaoru's narrow waist. "Don't disentangle you love-birds - I get him." Kyo chirped playfully and was gone without another word. Toshiya stared into the world without recognition. His cigarette had burned down, he didn't notice. He just stood there, leaning to a wall letting time, the world and his life passing by. Who cared anyway? Footsteps closing in caught his attention. He turned and his features became icy, as he spotted the small blond man. "If it isn't the dwarf Sleepy." he growled in a hostile manner. Kyo stopped dead in his tracks. He blinked and frowned at the bassist of his band. Then he bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry. I was out late and didn't get home. There was no alarm clock...so I overslept." The bassist faced away from Kyo's apologising look. "Tell that your Grandma..." he grumbled and threw his cigarette butt away without care, snorting at the vocalist. Kyo first thought he misheard, but after the second biting remark, his frown deepened. He just wanted to get Toshiya back to practice. "What?" he blinked it away. Maybe Toshiya was really upset because of him being late. "We should start practice..." "Just go, little one." "Little...one?" "Who else is little around here?" Kyo felt anger building up and tried to keep it down. "Okay, bassist-sama..." he answered rather sweetly. "Will his tallness join his band for practice?" Toshiya gave him a deadly stare, Kyo felt deep contempt in this gaze. He returned the death-stare and left without another word. What the hell was that for? Expecting a naked entangled heap of limps, he entered the studio. But the three men were sitting on their positions, with their instruments tuned and ready, Die just made the other two laugh. All faces turned to Kyo as he entered. "Where is Toshiya now?" Die laughed at Kyo's sour expression. "We are waiting..." "Still smoking - letting off hot air..I guess..." Kyo shrugged and sighed. "What? Meaning?" Kaoru asked, rather annoyed. The delay had been fun at first, but now I t began to bother him. After all, they were here to work. He had hushed Die and Shinya to their instruments and anticipated the return of the missing members. "I'll talk to him." Kaoru said in a low voice. The other three exchanged looks. Toshiya was in for it. The bassist hadn't moved. Still and silent he stood, like a statue waiting to come alive. "Toshiya." he heard a firm and ordering voice. Kaoru, who else. "What do you want?" "Start practising." "I thought you were busy making out..." "Can't. You're not there." Kaoru tried to break the aggression in the man before him. Toshiya turned to look at him. Kaoru gave him a mock seductive smile, slowly turning into a broader one. He surrendered to the band-leader. "Coming!" he sighed seductively and Kaoru nodded amused. They returned to the others, Toshiya ignoring Kyo and started their second turn of practice, much smoother than the day before. Toshiya's eyes never went to the singer, instead he smiled at everyone else and flirted with Kaoru, just for the sake of keeping on the game. And it held the emptiness at bay. Lingering there outside this studio, just in front of the doors of his heart. Waiting for it's pretty prey. "Much better, guys. It's alright." Kaoru smiled at everyone fondly, catching more or less happy responses from the well-known faces. Kyo yawned an stretched. "Thanks. Is practice over?" he dared to ask carefully. Kaoru nodded, his thought already travelling off to a nice supper with two delicious creatures. Kyo grinned. "I've got a date too keep." "Again?" Die laughed out frankly. "Is she *that* good?" Kyo made an innocent face and smiled cutely. "Better than you anyway." he teased Die. The both laughed. Toshiya felt annoyed like hell. "You better take your alarm with you then. Or you will oversleep again due to exhaustion." His eyes were like blazing fire directed at the singer. "Or should I come join you two and drag your lazy ass here later?" Silence entered the room like a cold wind. "What....?" Die narrowed his eyes at Toshiya. "Totchi...better join us...it will be so much more fun." he joked good-natured. Toshiya just snorted and shook his head. He took his stuff and left without a word of goodbye. "Think of the interview tomorrow at 3 p.m. ..." Kaoru yelled after him. "Lousy sex?" Shinya asked the others thoughtfully. Kyo eyes lingered at the door, just been closed by the bassist. Then he raised his eyebrows, sighing and leaving for his date. Toshiya felt drunk. That was the good part. He felt sick. That was the bad part. His head spinned like a merry-go-round with all the lights and music too. The stomach just couldn't follow the speed of his head. The pretty girl pressed to his body was who? Her name was wiped from his memory, but her warmth was pleasing. And her body was slim and flexible. Suddenly she screamed out and her fingernails dug in his skin, deeper and deeper, breaking through, filing the bassist with a rush of lust, sickness and pleasure, which rushed away the feelings inside of him. Leaving sensations only. He orgasmed into the waiting body and collapsed onto her, covered by sweat, blood and oblivion. Then he tore away from the poor girl, stormed into the bath and puked Again and again he held his stomach. His back burned and his body shivered from the cold. He felt miserable. The girl looked at him worried. "Are you okay, Toshiya-sama?" she asked in a meek voice, her eyes taking in his slender frame being shaken with convulsions. Toshiya yelled "Fuck off!" between cramps. The poor creature in his bathroom-door frame shook her head insecure. "Leave already! Or I'll make you!" he added, ignorant to the tears streaming down her face. She sobbed, but obedient she dressed and left after a last look at Toshiya. He lent on the toilet bowl and looked pale, almost like he was passed out. He rose his head one last time. "Sayounara!" he hissed and she hurried out. Then Toshiya collapsed on the floor. His whole body felt like shit, he was blanking out... //Just crawl into bed and slide into unconsciousness...// Was the last thing he thought, before the blackness caught up to him. "I'm here and Mr-just-be-punctual not?" Kyo asked the three men and all the world, grinning evilly. Kaoru was calling up his apartment. Die and Shinya seemed a little concerned. The interviewer sighed. What did you ever expect? "There's no answer, neither his phone nor his mobile." Kaoru's voice mirrored his worries, while he looked out to find the driver, who had told them, there was no answer when he rang the bell of Toshiya's apartment. "He's probably with one of his many sex-partners." Die guessed and Shinya agreed. Kyo smiled excusingly at the interviewer and finally stood up. "Enough. I'm going to his apartment." he announced, looking wildly determined. "This guy really annoys me!" Then he left the room in search of Kaoru and the driver. "You can ask us whatever you like." Shinya said sweetly. "Just don't ask about that." The interviewer sighed and started. Kaoru was surprised when he found Kyo running up to him. "Just drive us there!" the small man ordered. Kaoru's eyes grew big. "You want to see Toshiya?" "I want to hit him on the head, to be exact. Throw him off a building or something like that. But first I've got to get him for that." Inside the van Kyo looked pissed. If the tall bassist really had overslept, he would torture him the whole day with that. If he wasn't there, then they could be sure that he suddenly had felt a need to go to the Fiji Isles or something. Kaoru seemed even more upset. Toshiya was in for another lecture. A rather long one. They reached Toshiya's apartment and rang the bell, knocked on the door, made more noise than ten drunk men. There was nothing. It was not like Toshiya to be that late or leave without notice. "How can we be sure that nothing happened to him?" Kyo wondered, thought of the strange behaviour the day before. He felt that something was wrong with Toshiya. But he also wanted to strangle his pretty throat. Kaoru shook his head. "He would have at least called Shinya." he mused and a bad feeling settled in his stomach. Then finally Kaoru called someone to open the door, giving the number of their management as proof that they were indeed no thieves, even though Kyo very much looked like one. After the door was open, the stench of alcohol flooded their senses. Alcohol and vomit and sex. At once Kaoru felt alarmed. "Toshiya?" he called into the apartment. It was silent as death. Kyo hurried in and thought //He never drank so much when we lived together.// First he inspected the bedroom. Empty bed, rumpled sheets, strewn around clothing. Appeared like proof for sex. "He's here!!" he heard Kaoru and hurried to the bathroom. Toshiya was naked and pale, just lying there on the cold floor. "Call a doctor." Kaoru whispered and Kyo hesitated. It was a beautiful picture, how Toshiya's long body was lying there, but it scared him. A lithe graceful curve from the throat to the meager shoulders, another sensual line to his small hips. But the he seemed all limp. Scary, haunting. But fascinating. "Maybe the hospital would be better?" Kyo powerful voice seemed very meek now. "You want a scandal? What about Toshiya then? And Dir en grey?" Kaoru whispered. Of course, he was right. And the doctor could still decide, if Toshiya needed the hospital, right? "Help me to carry him to the bed." Kaoru's normally firm voice was shaky and he turned Toshiya around. He wrapped the pale cold body in a big towel and Kyo could make out fear inside the older man's eyes. He could feel it also catching up to him. "Ka...Kaoru? Are you afraid? Do you think he could die?" Kyo voice broke in thousand pieces. "I don't know. Kyo..." the worried man admitted. Kyo took Toshiya's legs and Kaoru his upper body, they manoeuvred the lithe body through the corridor onto the bed. After many calls Kaoru and Kyo had finally found a doctor who was willing to come. Both of them were more than nervous, running up and down in Toshiya's bedroom. Kaoru and Kyo had him covered with thick comforters, the heater was at highest level, Kyo couldn't tear off from the passive features of the bassist, who just the day before had made him quite angry. He regretted his thoughts about strangling Toshiya... Of course he'd never been serious, but he just never thought something could have happened. "Where is that fucking doctor?" Kaoru growled, anger feeling much better than stupid helplessness. Kyo bit his lower lip, then sat beside Toshiya on the bed. Feeling his pulse, faint and fast. The chest was heaving and sinking flatly, but steadily. Kaoru felt at the edge of screaming when finally the door-bell rang. He hurried to the door and let in the long-awaited man. The doctor was little man, with white hair. A bowed figure, like a walking cliché. His black bag was pulling him down to earth. His gentle knowing eyes questioned Kaoru without a single spoken word. "Where is the patient?" at last he asked Kaoru, who pointed at the bedroom. The doctor entered the room and his eyes travelled over the pale relaxed features. He send out the other two men and began his examination. The two waited silently, entering Toshiya's kitchen, smoking to cover their anxiousness. Centuries passed, Rome was built and destroyed during their quiet wait. A polite clearing of the throat pulled their attention back to the man with the white hair. "He had a mild alcohol intoxication. And he lost much liquid due to sexual action and vomiting. He needs some substitute in form of water and tea. He will wake up soon. Make sure he will drink enough. His body temperature is back to normal." "How long will he be sick?" Kaoru's voice bloomed with relief. "Just as long as you can keep him in bed. It is nothing serious, really. He should have been a little less reckless. Please excuse me now." Kaoru and Kyo stood up and bowed deeply. "Thank you, doctor." The old man gave Kaoru his card and Kaoru promised him to cover the costs as soon as possible. More bows and thanks before the doctor was out of the door. "I'm going to call Die and Shinya...and the management...." Kaoru sighed. "You watch him in case he wakes up." he ordered Kyo, who nodded. Beside Toshiya's bed, staring at the passive man, who normally was vivid and graceful, Kyo couldn't help but feel a slight anger rise. "Idiot..." he whispered. "You should know better than drinking too much." //Toshiya is not like I came to know him.// Kyo wondered while slowly getting bored. Toshiya cracked his eyes a little bit, while Kyo was distracted and tried to realise where and when he was and who the fuck had shot him in the head without the mercy of killing him. The blur in his vision and his swollen dry tongue made him and long for a cool glass of water. He tried to focus a little on the yellow patch before his eyes, slowly turning into an unruly mob of blond hair. Pouty lips and a tired face. Kyo. Kyo of all people. Toshiya felt his tongue move, but nothing came out. He cleared his throat and tried to wet his lips with his dry tongue. Hopeless. Finally he croaked out some syllables. Kyo twitched and turned to his band-mate. "Toshiya." he called out, full of relief. Toshiya's lips moved and Kyo came closer. "Do you need something? Water?" The eyes of the bassist grew cold and negative. "Get the hell out of here." Toshiya's voice croaked at last. Rage flooded his system, wiping away the sickness and the loneliness lying in wait for him. "Wh...what?" Kyo froze. "Out! Leave!" "Toshiya?" "Go!" his voice became much more powerful now. "I can't stand you freak! Get out of my sight!" Kaoru stormed in, joy shining in his face, taking in the defensive hurt look on Kyo's face, and the pale but anger distorted features of the bassist. "I heard Toshi..." he had started but stopped then. "What is going on here?" he demanded to know. Kyo felt anger building up and this time he was not willing to restrain it. "Fine! I'm leaving. Fucked up asshole." he growled back. A dangerous glitter entered the small man's eyes. "Fuck yourself, Totchi." He snorted angrily and was ready to hurt the pale man. Shaking it off, he left the apartment in long, firm strides. Outside he kicked the wall, just hurting his own toes. //Fuck you, tall pretty asshole. See if I ever care for you again.// "How's Toshiya?" he heard Die's voice suddenly. The red-haired guitarist and the drummer came up to him, their faces were seriously worried. "See for yourself!" Kyo barked, limping away without a look back. Shinya raised an eyebrow. "Kyo?" But the blond man ignored the asking call. Shinya eyed his lover next to him. Die seemed speechless too. "Didn't Kaoru say, Kyo was worried?" "Didn't look very worried to me." They knocked at the door and Kaoru opened the door. "How's he?" Die asked his lover, whose face was tired and somehow stressed out. Kaoru shrugged. "Well enough to scream at Kyo." Die gathered his long-time lover into his arms and let him rest against his chest, while Shinya went straight to his friend. Toshiya's face lighted up as he saw his friend. "Hi Toshiya-chan." Shinya was by his side and studied him closely. "You look like chalk." he complimented his fellow band-member. Toshiya kept quiet and his lips were a taut line. "What did you do?" The drummer's question was direct and demanding. "Got drunk." Toshiya's reply was short and angry. "Good. So it's your fault you're sick. Why did you yell at Kyo then?" Toshiya snorted not feeling sorry at all. Kaoru peeped in and offered some warm tea to both of them. The bassist drank eagerly. His body calling out for more. Kaoru offered a second helping and that was gone in almost one gulp. "Better now?" the band-leader inquired his voice surprisingly soft and gentle. Toshiya nodded and his headache returned with a vengeance. "I'll watch this baka, Kaoru-san." Shinya smiled at the purple-haired man tenderly. "Go home and get some rest." When he saw the doubts in the older man's face, the petite drummer stood up and drew his lover closer. "Don't worry. I know how to handle him." Then he closed in for a soft kiss, hoping to lift a little of Kaoru's worries. The kiss was returned fondly. He had never imagined Shinya would feel responsible for him, but he could see it in the depths of his eyes. He leaned to Shinya, feeling all weak and in need of care and warmth. Toshiya's senses were flooded with more emotions than he was able to handle, when he saw the trust and support between the two men in front of him. Something choked him, welling up inside of him. And he turned it into rage. His blood boiled, making his headache worse. He curled up into a tight ball, enjoying his misery and pouted. Damn Kyo. Better damn them all. He heard the lovers exchange some informations and he knew Kaoru would go. His body was sore now, sleepiness fought against rage and... these other feelings. He felt on the verge of crying and didn' t even know exactly why. Biting his dry lower lip he gulped, fighting back the salty drops. He just wanted to give up now. The world could go to hell. The soft voices, full of affection lulled him more towards sleep. The young bassist surrendered to it, begging it to take him away from there. As soft as the descend of a snowflake a teardrop fell from his lashes, as sleep kissed him goodnight. When he woke again, he felt thirsty and stood up, nearly tripping over the curled up drummer beside his bed. "Shinya?" The sleepy face turned to him. "Ah, Toshiya. Finally awake again. How are you, drunkhead?" The voice of the drummer sounded neutral, the word "drunkhead" not like an insult. Toshiya checked his status. "Better, but thirsty." Shinya stretched and yawned before he said: "Let's get you something non-alcoholic to drink then." Together they entered the kitchen and Toshiya sat down, watching Shinya as he made some tea. Strange ideas sprang into his head. "Shinya? Do you...really love Kaoru?" Shinya didn't answer just continued to boil water and make tea. When he sat down a cup in front of Toshiya he answered. "Yes." A simple calm word. "How do you know?" "I've checked my feelings and they say 'yes'." Toshiya shook his head, his fingers winded around the hot teacup. The warmth seeped through his body, slowly making him feel like a human being again. "Then...how are these feelings?" Shinya narrowed his eyes at his friend and then thought for long silent minutes. Toshiya pulled out a cigarette from the package on the kitchen-table, but the drummer took it from him with a disconcerted shake of his head. Finally he said: "I feel that I want to make his life better. His eyes make me warm and cold. I am complete when he is around. Also when Die is around. Even without the sex it has been like that." Shinya sipped his tea silent and serene. Was this guy really the younger one? The bassist closed his eyes to keep the words out. //If only I hadn't asked.// he thought. They enjoyed their tea in friendly silence. Toshiya was glad of the drummer's presence. He didn't feel the sharp eyes of loneliness keeping watch on him this way. The next morning the pale bassist insisted on coming into the studio. He just couldn't keep in the apartment all alone, seeing the bathroom made him shiver and sick all over again. "It's your bathroom. You've got to live with it or move." Shinya joked dryly and Toshiya showed him his pink tongue as a comment. The other three member sat around, discussing certain parts of a new song, when Shinya entered. All of them shouted "Toshiya!" in one voice. Die was beside him in a second. "Are you sure you're up to this?" Kaoru's eyes asked the same question. Only Kyo looked away giving a snort of disinterest and ignored the fuss over the bassist. He lit another cigarette to show his indifference. "I can try, can't I?" Toshiya answered, sat down, plucked his bass and tuned it. "Kaoru said he couldn't make out without me. That's why I'm here. Nothing worse than a sex deprived leader." he continued sweetly. Kaoru blushed and laughed at the same time, while his lovers glared at him. "Let's get started then." the purple-haired man stood up, trying to keep a dignified appearance and walked to his position. Shinya sighed and vanished behind the drums, Die cast a look at the singer lurking on his seat. "C'mon Kyo-chan." he smiled. The singer pouted, anger and dullness flashed over his features. But finally he stood up without a word, grabbed the mic and waited for the notes of the first song to hit his ears. The songs were much smoother than Kaoru had expected due to Kyo's obvious bad mood and ever-changing temper. He flashed a satisfied smile around and announced a break. "Don't let him smoke yet, Kaoru-san." Shinya warned and pointed to Toshiya, who was longing for a cigarette. "That's mean." he complained. "Your own fault." Kaoru preached and mouthed a silent "Understood." to Shinya. Kyo hurried out, glad to leave a room where he had to share the air with that tall pity-me bassist. He smoked and his lips were a small line, when Die and Kaoru found him. He looked upset and rage was boiling under the calm surface. Kaoru sensed it. "What's wrong? Toshiya? He was not himself yesterday." Kaoru tried to smooth out the outbreak of their bassist. "Yeah fucking right. He was just not himself." Kyo mumbled very low and dangerously. "What's up between you anyway? I thought you two got along just great when you lived together..." Die mused, asking his lover for a cigarette. "That was then. This is now." Kyo simply said, wanting to change the subject. Fuck, was there nothing else to talk about but the stupid bassist? Die shrugged and Kaoru nodded. "I hope this doesn't influence you too much. I can't allow that." "I won't let it interfere with work." Kyo declared and stepped on the cigarette butt with some pressure. Kaoru blinked. He wasn't so sure about that. Kaoru ended practice early, because he wanted to take it easy on Toshiya, who protested mildly but felt tired all the way. Also Kaoru was concerned with Shinya, who looked tired as well. "Are you alright, Shinya?" he whispered to him. Shinya nodded slightly. "You sure? Maybe you should go home and get some rest too, like you made me do yesterday?" Shinya stayed silent, hands fold in his lap, his eyes cast down to the floor. Kaoru exchanged looks with Die. The red-haired guitarist strolled over and studied the young drummer. "Hey, Shin-chan, what's wrong?" he let the chin of Shinya slid into his palm and made the younger man look into his eyes. Then he felt the meaningful gaze rest on him. "Maybe we should talk about it in private?" Kaoru whispered, worry spread inside of him all over again. Shinya didn't disagree, so they left together, keeping apart, seemingly fearing to get burned or iced by eye-contact to one of the others. Kyo noticed that with a thoughtful glance. Hadn't they been happy just the day before? Everything was changing so fast, anything could be the exact opposite of what it used to be while you only blinked once. After the three had gone, closing the door behind them, Kyo became aware, that he and the bassist were the only ones left. Before that would've been no problem. They would've joked about the problems between lovers probably, guessing what was wrong and wishing the best to them. Or just get together for a quick snack in one of their favourite places before parting ways. Now there was tension building up, making Kyo thinking of escape and Toshiya's hateful words. He bit his lower lip, then wrinkled his nose and decided to be defensive and leave. "Ja." he pressed out, casting one cool last look on the bassist. Toshiya snorted, returned the look with one full of challenge and contempt. His whole face expressed dislike and aversion. Kyo mirrored this expression almost simultaneously. "Why don't you go then, little pest?" a cool voice reached his ears. "Just trying to be a little friendly, your pointy tallness." he pressed out, struggling to restrain himself from breaking the graceful neck of that annoying man. "No need to be, your smallness. Just leave." Kyo closed his eyes, trying to find an inner pool a calmness and a way to stand over Toshiya's provocations. There was none. When he opened his eyes again, they were gleaming with disappointment and aggression. "Go to hell, Toshiya." he spat out. "Kill yourself or whatever. You cannot even have sex without one of us helping you back on your feet afterwards. How pathetic." "Look who's talking. Who can't get up after a hot night, eh?" "At least I'm still with someone, and don't end up in front of the damn toilet bowl half-dead and all alone." Kyo snapped back. Toshiya was at his throat in a second and his fingers tightened the neck-line of his shirt. Kyo was running low on air. "Listen you little chubby creep. I am *NOT* alone. Do you get that?!" Kyo saw deadliness in the perfectly slanted eyes. But he could take it up with the glare of the taller man. "You are! Using sex only as a substitute to cover your lousy little empty life. Like a praying mantis. Eating up what you can get, but it is never enough." Kyo choked out, but a cruel smile curled his lips despite his weaker position. Toshiya grabbed tighter and saw skin of Kyo's face turn pale. Then he released the singer so suddenly, that Kyo tumbled back and then slumped to his knees. He gasped for air, then he faced Toshiya with a triumphant smile. "I pity you." "I don't want your pity. Stay away from me. Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me. I can't stand you. Even your name disgusts me, you mad little shit." Toshiya's voice was without any obvious emotion, and his face was serious. He took a last long look at the singer, his eyes taking in the small figure. "Sayounara." He left with his head up high and his heart in pain. Kaoru opened the door to his apartment, getting rid of his shoes, the other two men followed his example. Not a word was exchanged, the mood was somehow grey. The red-haired guitarist and the drummer sat down in the living room, waiting for the band-leader to return with some drinks. Die didn't know what to say to the other man, who was calm and sincere. He wondered if he should touch the drummer but somehow he didn't dare to. Soft footsteps announced the pink-haired man and he felt the heavy atmosphere. Was everything going to hell? Maybe it was his fault... He had forced Shinya into this sexual relationship, because he had wanted to keep his lover. Actually that had been quite unfair to the young man. He sat down, searched for something to say and finally began with. "Please forgive me Shinya." Die's head shot up and he stared at his long-time lover. Shinya smiled just the slightest bit, then he shook his head. "I've dragged you into this. That's been so selfish of me." Kaoru admitted with a regretful tone of voice. Shinya was by his side suddenly and showed him an angelic smile. "You couldn't have dragged me if I had not wanted to, Kaoru-san." The drummer inclined his head and his gaze became distant. "It is just... Toshiya asked me last night if I loved you." "Toshiya?" Shinya nodded. Kaoru sighed. "Why did he ask you?" Die wanted to know and Shinya shrugged. "He was insecure I guess. I examined my feelings, because I didn't want to lie. It took some time and I thought about every aspect there was between us." Kaoru understood. There had been sex and there had been light-headedness. And now, in the light of day everything crumbled to dust and magic of the moment. Shinya had found out, he wanted to end this threesome. "It is alright Shinya. We are not tying you to us. You are free to do whatever you want to. No duties. No responsibilities." Shinya's eyes were full of tenderness when he faced Kaoru and Die, "Thank you. But I think that won't work...because...I found out, that I really love you two." Both men were stunned. "And if you let me stay with you...I'd like to become what you two were to each other. A third partner." The sincere face of the drummer became soft. Kaoru couldn't find words and hugged the drummer close to him. "Oh, Shinya..." he sighed into the drummer's ear. Then he was caught by Die, whose arm's were also holding him in a tight embrace. "You honour us." he whispered. Kaoru leaned his forehead on Shinya's back. "You know...I was afraid we were falling apart and the fear was tearing my heart out. But now...I am so overjoyed. " Die nodded. Caught up in each other they managed to stand still for the longest time. Feeling the other's breath, warmth and be so sure, that there would be another moment like this. And another. A silly happy smile spread over Die's face, mirrored in Kaoru's eyes and catching up to the drummer in the middle. Together they nuzzled on the couch, all curled up into arms and legs and started to giggle like they'd taken drugs. Their drug was frenzied happiness and pure desire, embers sparked between their bodies and fire flooded their veins. Die caressed Shinya, who leaned back on Kaoru, as the leader took the chance to claim the soft lips. "Here we go again." Die laughed and his hands crawled under Shinya's shirt. He could never keep his hands off the smooth skin. Shinya moaned into Kaoru's mouth, demanding more attention from the band leader. Kaoru teased him by licking the full lips, but never let him slip inside his mouth, while Die unbuttoned Shinya's trousers. The victim groaned in desperation and need, while Dies tongue explored his stomach and slowly eased down the pants, to expose the milky white thighs. He began to lick and nibble the smooth flesh, enjoying Shinya's little soft cries for more. Shinya pleaded softly, Kaoru taking pity in him and kissed him silent. Die grinned impudent and began to lick the drummers erect shaft, nearly laughing at the sobs, he heard muffled through Kaoru's expert kisses. Simultaneously, they stopped and Kaoru asked Shinya very softly "Sandwich anyone?" Die chuckled. The drummer nodded made incoherent noises, which could be taken as a "yes" The other two left him lying there panting, he could hear them undress each other, kissing and touching in the way they had practised for years... But then they returned, Shinya felt Kaoru behind him, while Die claimed his mouth and the finger found his erection, spreading cool lube over it, then Kaoru whispered to him, he should make Die his. The he felt Kaoru's finger's close around him and guide him into their lover. Die moaned and encouraged the drummer, who bit his lower-lip till it bled. When those two had settled, Shinya began to set a rhythm instinctively, but Kaoru stopped him. One arm locked Shinya tightly to Kaoru's chest, So he couldn't really move, the other slowly slipped down the fragile body to the small back and one finger teased his opening. Shinya felt spread by Kaoru's graceful small hands and entered shortly after. Shinya cried out in lust and frustration, as Kaoru released him, they began to move. Not long before their moves became frantic and the air was filled with the noises of flesh against flesh and gasps. Shinya felt no longer in control of his body, as Kaoru hit his sensible spot one last time and he was the first to come, causing a chain-reaction. Kaoru an Die both followed his lead into orgasm. "Next time we gonna do this a little more elaborate, okay?" Kaoru panted on top of the heap. Die made an agreeing noise and Shinya still saw little stars dance prettily before his eyes. Finally Kaoru got up and slid out of Shinya who crawled away from Die. "Shower?" Die suggested and Kaoru nodded before a lusty grin appeared on his face again. Suddenly the little aftermath harmony was disturbed by a knock at the door. Kaoru blushed then dressed quickly and opened the door, while Die and Shinya made a retreat to Kaoru's bedroom, hiding there and giggling away.. Their silliness found a sudden end when they heard Kaoru call out: "Kyo?!" Kyo looked seriously into the eyes of the band-leader. "I... need to talk to you. All of you. I presume, Die and Shinya are here too?" Kyo said flat, looking desolate and angry at the same time. Kaoru nodded dully, trying to straighten out some of the wrinkles in his shirt, as he asked Kyo in. //Wait, we can't go in the living-room. It's a mess there.// He led Kyo into the kitchen, then he called out to Die and Shinya. Both men appeared, smiling, but Kyo's serious expression made them stop and they sat down. Kyo cleared his throat and then he started in a whisper. "I wanted to leave shortly after you. Then...Toshiya and I started to argue somehow. I tried to calm myself down, but suddenly..." The singer shifted uncomfortably on the chair, while the other three watched him closely. Kyo pulled down the neck-line of his shirt, exposing the red line of marred skin for the others to see. Die gasped, Shinya frowned and Kaoru....he closed his eyes like not wanting to know about this red patch of skin. Like it hurt him deep inside. But he was the first to speak. "Toshiya?" Kyo nodded, slowly with regret. "I...didn't want to let it interfere with work." Kyo's voice was low. "But I didn't know where else to go." "Do...do you want me to kick him out?" Kaoru asked in harsh tone. He looked up again, at Die first. Seeing in the well-known and loved face a distorted grin. Almost like he wanted to bite someone. Shinya's face was the exact opposite, calm, waiting. And Kyo...he looked sad. Tired. Fed up. "Kick him out?" Kyo asked very slowly. Every word seemed to hurt him. "It's not my decision. We have to decide together." Kaoru's tone was raw. Die nodded understandingly. "He is very popular too. The fans will hate us." "And we will have to find another bassist then. First Kisaki, now Toshiya..." Shinya added calmly. "Maybe he is just stressed. You should talk to him, Kaoru." "I'm not that close to him as you are, Shinya. Better when you talk to him." Shinya didn't seem very happy with that, but followed Kaoru's lead. Die nodded. He didn't like the feeling of losing Toshiya. He was fond of the tall bassist, who was normally easy-going and a good friend. "It's for the best, Shin-chan." "Kyo?" Kaoru finally asked the singer, who looked uptight. "I actually don't want him out. " Kyo said firmly. That surprised the other three. The singer sighed. Then he shrugged. "I like Dir en grey now. And it wouldn't be Dir en grey without him." All fell into uneasy silence and it was like their whole energy had been taken away from them. Kaoru had never expected Kyo to be so moderate against the bassist. The vocalist was normally much more aggressive. Kyo returned the question in Kaoru's eyes. Then he studied the other two men. The silent, calm Shinya, somehow he could feel the air of Die and Kaoru around him. Die and Kaoru's bonds were legendary as they had been friends as long as he could recall. And he knew them and liked them a lot, a mutual feeling. They shared a connection. Maybe Toshiya had lost that connection? "We all like Dir en grey, Kyo." Kaoru assured him. He felt the burden of leadership was heavier now. Kyo was suddenly by his side and laid a reassuring arm on Kaoru's shoulder. Die and Shinya tried to cheer him up with different methods. Die grinned like a cute demon. And Shinya showed him a sincere soft smile. "We all will protect it." he decided. All of them nodded in unison. The threesome felt in no way up to a second helping of sex. The tensions between singer and bassist were all spiralling in their heads now. The uneasy silence spread through the kitchen, through the air, crawling inside their hearts. Kyo licked his dry lips and at last said "I'm better leaving." feeling like an intruder on the happy three. "I'm sorry to have bothered you." he bowed a little out of use. Kaoru didn't know, if he should hug Kyo. He felt very awkward towards him, since his lovers were here. But Kyo seemed so brave and lost. It hurt him to see all of them so confused. Not again. Please not again. "Kyo, if you want to stay..." Kaoru offered carefully. Kyo refused. "I have to get home, get some sleep." he stated, lamely. "Will you be alright?" Kaoru inquired. The singer nodded and the band-leader had the impression of Kyo drifting from him. Nervous and worried he looked at Die for support. But the other one seemed to be still concerned with the Toshiya-Problem... Kyo bowed one more time, surprising them again. //Since when does he bow so much?// Kaoru wondered. Kyo cast one last look at the three wished them good night and left. In his head there was a gentle voice, telling him over and over: "Thank you, Kyo. Thank you so very very much." This gentle voice speaking out in joy and gratefulness belonged to Toshiya. When he had closed the door, he felt lost inside himself. Toshiya opened the door to his empty apartment. There was no one there. There would never be anyone anytime. He let his bag slump on the floor, kicked of his shoes and turned on the TV. Voices, he needed someone to drive away the stillness of his rooms. The bathroom seemed to stare at him. The emptiness of his heart cried out to the world, but all he wanted was to shut it up. More alcohol? He was still not up to his old form. What was his old form anyway? Get a willing body to spent the night with him? Make him forget the day, the night, himself? It was still early enough.... //C'mon, get dressed up. You can get someone. You will get someone. Can't even have sex without them, eh? My foot.// He decided to shower, feeling bad the whole time in his bathroom. He eyed the spot before the toilet-bowl with much discomfiture. He had been lying there. How humiliating. He couldn't remember much about it though... Just a endless chill and the creeping cold, taking him cell by cell. If Kaoru and Kyo hadn't come... Would he have died? Would he...? He stood under the hottest water as long as he could endure without getting burnt. His skin was red as a cooked crab. He still felt cold and barren inside. Isolated from warmth. He hurried inside his messed up bedroom. Tight. The clothes had to be tight. Sexy. Making it impossible to anyone to resist him. Putting on a seductive make-up and checking it carefully he felt restless. Wanting so much. But being so needy. Endlessly needy. He just needed to feel something alive under his touch. Hear something breathe beside him. Alive, warm, firm... Scratchy, hurting... Foul... Breaking up his flesh and bleed him dry. He simply had to have that. "You are so pathetic." he finally admitted to his own mirrored image full of bitterness. They were right. Damn them. Happy fools with not a clue of what they had. But there was nothing to help him out, was there? He had been left alone. All alone. Kyo twitched at the sound of his keitai. He sat in his car on his way home. The traffic lights were red, so he had the time to answer. Before he picked it up, he checked the number. His date. He had forgotten her. Hell, he didn't feel like going out anyway. "Kyo?" her voice was worried a bit. But she was strong, as always. Stronger than anyone else he knew, except maybe Kaoru. "I'm sorry..." he whispered out. Why did it sound so cheap? "You had some work coming up suddenly and couldn't call me, right?" she was cheerful. Kyo closed his eyes. Oh, he liked her. She knew what to say and when to say it. "Sort of..." he croaked out. His inner tumult, the guilt and his situation took their toll on him. the traffic-lights turned green. "Call you later..." he promised lamely. And cut the line. He opened the door, stepped out of his boots and entered the apartment without turning on the lights. The pale light of the terrarium was enough to light his way. He looked at his scorpions without recognition. In the back of his mind he could hear a carefree laughter. Two voices. One of them was is own. The other was Toshiya again. He slumped down to his couch, still dressed in his jacket. He felt limp, his hands blindly reaching for the sore line winding around his throat. It burned a little. Made him aware of Toshiya's actual strength despite is slender appearance. Voices in my head, a friend at my throat.... Things only get better. A friend... Hell, yeah. Oh he just knew, he had hit Toshiya's sore spot today. But Toshiya had hit back. ...'little chubby creep'? Thank you very much. He let his head fall back and stared at the ceiling, unseeing. The ceiling disappeared and was changing into another one.. more dirty and worn. "I'm sorry to disturb." the young man had said shyly, standing in his doorway, a heavy bag on his shoulder. Was that Japanese boy really the eccentric talented heavily make-upped bassist he had seen before? He had finally given in letting the guy move in with him. Finding a apartment in Tokyo was hard and expensive. Toshiya didn't know his way around either. Moving in with him was the most logical possibility. Kyo saw Die bringing another bag, and he saw that Toshiya was getting rid of his shoes. "Is still something in the car? I'm standing in a "absolutely no parking" spot" Die asked. "My bass!" Toshiya called out and looked a little worried. Kyo sighed. "Get it. I take care of your bag." "Really? Thank you Kyo-san." the young man called out and bowed. Die grinned. "Take care of this bag too, Kyo-*san*" he towered the bag onto the little singer, who felt his knees giving in under the weight. "What did he bring? His parent's house?" Kyo gasped, but hurried with the bags in the room and let them carefully slide to the ground. He wiped the sweat from his brow and turned to Die, who was already sipping on his last can of beer. "Hey, who said you could have that?" Kyo snorted. A nice cool beer.... "Don't drink and drive, you know." Die only laughed and then the new member returned. This time carrying his black bass bag, setting it down with tenderness and pulled out his shoes He smiled cutely and full of gratefulness at the two men. "Thank you for letting me stay here, Kyo-san." he bowed deeply to Kyo, who nearly blushed, readjusting the death-glare he had for Die. "No, no...it's okay...really.." he tried to decline. "Thank you for picking me up, Die-san." the young man bowed to Die as well. //This guy is extremely polite...//Kyo thought. Die only laughed good-natured. "It's okay. I'll be going you two." he turned to leave and after putting on his boots he called. "Don't kill each other, okay?" Silence fell on them. An uncomfortable silence between strangers. The slender young man looked to the floor and seemed very nervous. "Do you like something to drink?" Kyo asked to break the spell, then remembered that Die took the last beer. "There is only water and tea though. Die took the last beer." Toshiya lips showed a sweet smile and he said. "It's okay. Some tea would be very nice." "In the meanwhile you can get settled, ne?" Kyo suggested and Toshiya nodded. The singer showed him to his room. It was small, there was little furniture, beside the futon. Toshiya nodded and Kyo vanished to prepare the tea. What a ruin compared to his old room. There were cracks in the wall outside, he had seen them. But this was Tokyo. This was his new life. He smiled in bliss and started to unpack his stuff. It didn't take long and he returned to the kitchen, extra quiet to get a look at his strange room-mate. The little man was busy and he could study the face with the pouty lips. Now that the death-glare was gone, he looked actually rather young and cute. Kyo felt watched. He turned and saw his new room-mate, eyeing him like a rare creature. Kyo tilted his head and took the freedom to study the other man. The bassist looked like a very captivating shy animal, suspecting the new terrain. The long hair fell softly on his shoulders, he needed glasses, but was obviously too vain to wear some. "The tea is ready." Kyo mumbled. Toshiya nodded and sat down in the worn-down old kitchen. This was their first evening together. Toshiya desperately fought for something smart and brilliant to say. He wanted to impress the other man and express his gratitude. But he failed miserably. So he just kept silent. "Do you want to call your parents?" Kyo asked, wondering if the unhappy face of the young man meant he was homesick. Toshiya nodded and sipped his tea. "Kyo-san?" "hn?" "Thank you very much. For everything!" Kyo blinked in astonishment. "It's okay. Really." Toshiya smiled a little less polite and more natural. "And Toshiya?" "Kyo-san?" "Please- just call me Kyo." Toshiya beamed at him and Kyo suddenly felt insecure. Kyo bit his lower lip trying to avoid a blush. Hell, what was going on? Later when Toshiya phoned his family he seemed less shy and sat on the couch, talking in his Nagoya accent, sounding so funny. He cradled his long legs to his chest in his agitated talking and Kyo thought that was rather cute. When he finished talking, Toshiya seemed thoughtful. "Are you alright?" Kyo asked, he noticed the bassist's features were suddenly sad. "I guess..." "Wanna see my friends?" "What?" a questioning look. Curiously he followed the shorter man, who led him to a small cubicle made out of glass. As he cam closer, he saw...scorpions. He backed in shock. "What is that?" "My friends. They will survive even if this stinking city is blown up by an atomic catastrophe." Toshiya looked at Kyo, who sat in front of his "pets" with a soft smile plastered on his face. He registered the shocked stare of the pretty bassist. "I *am* strange. Has nobody told you?" Had he misheard? He simply shook his head. Kyo shrugged "Now you know," he sad with the straightest face. And suddenly Toshiya felt like laughing. He nodded with a suppressed laugh. "Feel better?" the vocalist inquired. The man before him nodded again. Toshiya realised, even though this man was maybe strange, he cared about people. He relaxed a little. "Maybe we should get to bed now? It's been one hell of a day for you, ne?" he heard the soft voice of the strange little man. "It was." "Tomorrow we'll have the first practice and Kaoru doesn't like us coming late." "Understood." Toshiya turned to go. "Sleep well. If you need anything just tell me." Kyo stated with a smile. Toshiya bowed a little "Thank you very much. Oyasumi nasai." "Oyasumi." Toshiya smiled and hoped he would be able to sleep. "Oh, Toshiya?" "Hai?" "Welcome to Dir en grey." Toshiya felt happy at the words. There was something to them. Reassuring. Calming. He felt like he was caught by these words. He stretched on his futon and was lulled by the far whisper of the traffic. The next day Kyo took Toshiya to practice. And the feeling of the evening before continued. He had found what he had been looking for. Die was the most sociable of them and he became fond of him immediately. Die cracked the best jokes, had always a word of confidence for him. He found Die easy -going and attractive. And Kaoru... Despite the cold and frightening surface he was hardworking, always believing in his band, supportive. Shinya was well...silent. He pondered everything before saying it out loud. And Kyo was ... Kyo. He came to know them better Learning their way of making music. Their way of doing things. Their insider-jokes. And Kyo was making him feel at home. Both of them were becoming more comfortable with each other. Kyo was much more sensitive and fun-loving than he liked strangers to know. He taught the bassist about life in this part of town. The best convenience-stores. Coolest clubs. Where to buy take-out. All the secret fun and delightful places only he knew. And where he thought clothes and make-up were cool. When they went out it was mostly together. It was much more fun that way. Sharing the jokes. Toshiya always could rely on Kyo, knowing he would be around. Somewhere. Always. Both of them dressing up to go clubbing, adjusting each other's make-up. They were having the fun of their lives, especially when Toshiya was dolling Kyo up into a cute girl-like fashion. He always thought Kyo was very cute, but never dared to say it out, while he finished the make-up of the smaller man with care. Kyo had always speculated why Toshiya wanted to have him to look so girlish. But it sure as hell shocked men, when they found out, the cute and innocent "little sister" of Toshiya was a man. And they laughed at the dumb faces of them. Sometimes it took Toshiya so long for his 'getting ready' routine, that he found Kyo asleep when he was finally ready to go. He then pulled a blanket over the sleeping form, smiling brotherly, marvelling at the innocence of Kyo's sleeping face. But he would rarely go out by himself then. He would have felt all alone. He'd rather stay with Kyo, reading, writing songs, watching TV. Enjoy being in the company of the singer, even though Kyo was asleep. But he was there. Alive. Breathing. They were getting more familiar with every day. A daily routine was easily established. Neither of them could cook very well, so whenever there was any money, they would buy take-out. They would sit in front of the TV, placed in the living-room, which was also Kyo's sleeping-room, and watch corny dramas. Kyo would wrote many of his sarcastic lyrics after such a drama. Then they talked about bands they liked, songs they loved and why. They had heated discussions about song-arrangements, sometimes the other's joined them since Kyo had the biggest apartment. When there was no money, they ate instant raamen and then watched the corniest dramas around, making jokes about Kimura Takuya. After a while Kyo had a feeling that Toshiya had a little crush on Die. He would stare at the carefree guitarist and his laughter in awe. Be around him as much as he could. Touch him when there was a chance. One evening he and the pretty bassist sat together, watching TV. He could feel the body-warmth of the man beside him. "He's Kaoru's long-time lover and friend." Kyo had stated simply. He had felt Toshiya's gaze on him. A silent question. Resignation. Then a deep sigh. "I knew somehow." Toshiya had said. And then his head had sunken against the singer. He hadn't cried, just seemed like a lost boy, with empty eyes. Only for a little while. And Kyo had hugged him closer, cradled him to his shoulder and waited till the pretty creature had come alive again. "I'm sorry, Toshiya." Kyo had mumbled. "Don't be. I still have you, ne?" "Right. Not much compared to Die though." "Hn, but your friends are far more interesting..." Toshiya had joked. Kyo's eyes had widened. Then they had laughed. Hard and long, holding on to each other for support. After they had wiped away the tears of laughter they had studied their opposites, still smiling. Not a word they had said, but he had felt so close to Toshiya. At home with him. "Would you hold me a little while?" the young man had whispered desperately at last. Kyo's eyes had widened in shock. "Just a little, so I can sleep?" There was no way he could have said 'no' to this pleading eyes. Kyo smiled an invitation. Cuddled to the smaller body he listened to Kyo's regular breathing and heartbeat. And drifted to a peaceful slumber. And now? The younger man hated his guts. What had changed? They had been friends. Sort of at least. Sharing the little apartment for so long. He stared into the darkness. His neck was not the only thing that hurt him right now. The singer wondered what he had done to Toshiya. Nothing. There was nothing he could recall of doing wrong. He hadn't even talked to him much during the last weeks... Maybe Shinya could break the thick ice around the bassist? Those two had become close for reasons beyond Kyo. He didn't get it, but strange things happened right? He certainly wouldn't want to lose Toshiya as long as there was a chance of keeping him in the band. Maybe bringing him back to the guy he used to know. He somehow wanted to help Toshiya. But he wasn't the right one to do it. If only he knew what Toshiya needed. He called up his date, who answered in a tired voice: "What are you doing?" "Thinking about the past and feeling miserable." Her husky laugh made him smile. "You really are strange. What are you gonna do about it?" "Be miserable." he mused. She laughed again. He was reminded of Toshiya's laughter again, because of the carefree and sincere way she laughed. "Want me to come over?" she suggested. "I really don't know. I'm in a strange mood." he whispered emotionless, his eyes distant. "If even you say that I'll be better off staying here..." she pondered and he decided she was right. "Sleep well." he cut the line. Shit. Everything was wrong And he still wore his jacket. There were the attractive ones. Young ones, younger than him. Some posing as him, some just looking strange in the newest fashion. He could simply dive into the masses and fade into it. No one could really be sure if he was *the* Toshiya, member of Dir en grey. The deafening music pushed all coherent thought aside, melting him into the rhythm and the movement of the people. He felt bodies pressed to him, giving him the body-contact he craved so much. Why did it still feel so empty? The rubbing of the bodies against his slender form felt good. He blindly kissed someone available. Letting the tongues play freely, tasting an exotic new mouth, savouring the feel and silkiness. He felt a hand under his tight shirt, crawling to a nipple, teasing it, while they began to grind their hips to the beat. A powerful force surged through him, still sucking on the lips and tongue of that tasty someone. A no face, no name someone. Desirable no less. The bassist felt pushed against the bar, and covered by the other's body. Maybe it was someone else, he didn't care. As long as the arousing fingers kept moving on his skin and the lips kept raging against his to wipe out everything that was not sex, he was satisfied. Everyone could see him and it stimulated him even more. Words formed in his throat, as he leaned back to give easier access to his sensitive neck. "Your lips...your mouths...your eyes...I hate them..." he moaned. His lover halted. Toshiya looked back at him, surprised with himself. The man, leaning over him studied the beautiful man under him quizzically. The tall bassist traced his own lips in surprise. What had he just said to this total stranger? Hated him? He didn't even know him. This was just a body. Just a someone to warm his skin and fill him with meaningless passion, setting fire to the mask of frozen loneliness. He didn't know him well enough to hate him. The man still asked a silent question. "Sorry." Toshiya whispered, noticing many eyes studying him. "Shall we go outside" the unknown toy asked. Toshiya nodded dumbfounded and felt pushed through the heated masses to the outside. There he was attacked by rough kisses and the urge for fast sex. His shirt was pushed up easily. He let it happen. Then he felt drawn to a dark corner. The pants were the next thing to go down. Fast it was, he couldn't even breathe between the moves of the man. He felt the erection and it was urging into him. What are you doing, bassist of Dir en grey? He fought off the other man, with the strength Kyo had already experienced. That didn't please the other much. "Hey what's up? You're not going to spoil all the fun now, will you?" Toshiya easily put his pants back up, and bit his lips. He wanted sex, yes. But this was so cheap. And he hated this guy. He hated his guts. "Jerk off yourself." he told the man icily. Two girls giggled at the scene they had witnessed. "Maybe you would be off much better with us?" the smaller one asked. She wore a blond wig, thick make-up. Heart-shaped black-red lips, pale skin... A Kyo-impersonator. Toshiya smiled at them with effort, feeling the sharp eyes of something seeing through his skin into his heart,. It hurt so much. "Yeah - let's go." he agreed. Another apartment. cheap, run-down. Not that it mattered to him. He was pressed to one body and silenced by generous caresses. The other was already nibbling his growing erection, desire swept over him, washing away whatever there traces of guilt there could have been. This was his destination, wasn't it? His absolute end. Here and now he had to feel it. But it remained as nothing as his body trashed his mind with another orgasm. There would be more sex to come. He welcomed it open-armed but his heart was shutting more and more. One of the girls kissed him, there was the taste of something awful lingering in her mouth, and she slipped something coarse and small... a pill of some sort. Before he knew it, the world shifted into something else, taking him away... What a wonderful feeling. But he was struggling to return to the plain world. There was something back there. He needed to stay in that world. I am not into drugs...rushed through his brain then he fell to his knees... Consciousness left him as the reality faded into too much colours. Shinya felt tired. There had been an awkward silence between the three men after Kyo had left. Silence and thoughtfulness. Kaoru had asked him again to talk to Toshiya. They all felt there was something not right with him. Sex was no longer a topic between the three of them then. They just had silently cuddled up to each other, worried and seeking warmth. Shinya had never thought about it, but why would he be the one to make it right? //I know he's not into drugs. I just know it. But what could it be?// Now he sat here, driving to Toshiya's apartment and remembered the looks of trust and hope from his lovers, especially from Kaoru. Maybe he really was the strongest one? When he entered the lift to Toshiya's apartment he felt like a scared little kid. What should he tell the bassist for heaven's sake? "Stop it." Yeah, but what was 'it'? Stop hurting the people who like you. Kyo likes you. I like you. We all like you. But not the Toshiya now. Bring back the old one. Most important: Stop hurting yourself. Would Toshiya listen? Would the bassist hurt him, like Kyo? The drummer wasn't too sure. He walked straight to Toshiya's apartment and stopped surprised. Toshiya woke up feeling disoriented. Where was he? He felt groggy, his muscles hurt somehow. Next to him there was a blond mass of hair. Blond. Kyo? But it was just a wig. There were two bodies somewhere beside him. Friendly warmth lulled him back to sleep, but a creeping memory of a pill, a world lost came back to him. He whimpered, his throat swollen and dry. Insecurity and sudden longing for...something was born within him. He needed more than this, He wanted to be home. Home again. His own sob rang in his ears. One of the girls woke up and blinked at him sleepily, looking disturbed by his emotional outbreak. "What's up? Didn't like your trip?" she asked slurred. Toshiya shook his head. He hadn't liked it at all. He hated it. He hated everything. This girl. Her friend. This wig, this bed, this apartment. Feelings of uneasiness and despair pooled in his guts, he couldn't stand it. He was young, successful and a star. Shouldn't that be reason enough to be happy, all clean and satisfied? But here he was. Always in search of cheap sex...the more the better. Not clean at all. And in no way satisfied. Neither with the world nor his current situation.. Happiness seemed like a fairy tale. Somewhere far in the distance so calm and gentle, golden and warm and a little strange, beyond his reach, beckoning at him. But it became dimmer. Go to hell, happiness. I hate you. I hate it all. The glance he gave the girl was deadly, but she just shrugged and went back to sleep. He crawled out of the bed and slumped on the ground, already in search for his clothes. His throat was strangled, he felt like he was going to throw up because of what had become of him. A sort of panic surged though him. He could barely move. His whole body was in pain from the rush of the drug, which had strained all his muscles to the limit. So cheap. I am so easy. Home. Just get home and sleep. Everything will be okay. Get there and forget this. It will be forgiven and forgotten. Just get home. He stumbled out of the run-down apartment, seeing a taxi and almost begged it to stop. He sank into the car and felt deadly tired. "Where would you like to go, Sir?" the driver asked politely despite Toshiya's sexy but dirty clothes. "Home...take me home..." Toshiya repeated over and over. "Where is your home?" Toshiya stared at the elderly man unseeing. Then a beautiful smile lit up and made his face shine like the sun between the clouds. Overwhelmingly divine. The old man nodded at his words and marvelled at his beauty. Then he smiled friendly and drove on, while the beautiful man in the back drifted towards a light sleep. Shinya halted and looked at the water calmly flooding through underneath the door of Toshiya's apartment. With the spare-key he opened the door. If only Kaoru had called him for the key the day before... A soft wave swept over his feet. "Toshiya?" The drummer waited for an answer from his friend. There was none. Shinya felt his heart beat drumming against his ears, his chest and in his fingertips. "Toshiya?" he felt his voice going meek. The sound of the water seemed to take him in and drown him in fear. It was much louder than anything else he had ever heard. "Toshiya?" He splashed though the water and he felt every breath painfully. //No, don't do this to me. Don't!// He fought back tears. And he opened the door to the bathroom, half afraid, half panic-stricken. He simply couldn't believe what he saw. Toshiya nearly fell up the stairs, to weak to see and walk properly. Just a little farther... He was home, finally. He searched his pockets for the key, and found it. Clumsily he tried to fit it in the door, feeling his knees giving in. He failed miserably. He leaned his forehead to the door, wishing it to open up by magic. Helplessly he began to bang at the door. But it didn't help. He sank to his knees and then softly against a wall. He felt so weak and vulnerable, his insides bared for everyone to see. But he just couldn't move anymore. He had no more power and strength left, here and now he would be staying until this door would open. Right here. Nowhere else. He hugged his knees to his chest, buried his head between then and with a sense of peace drifted to a comfortable numbness. The sound of a keitai shocked Die and Kaoru out of their contemplative state. "Hello?" Kaoru answered the call. "He..." came Shinya's voice, worried and confused. "He has smashed his bathroom." "Toshiya? Why?" "I don't know. And he's not here. Kaoru-san?" Shinya's voice was meek and the fear shone through clearly. Kaoru felt it in his heart. His Shinya needed him. And he couldn't be with him. "Yes, love?" The word love fell into Shinya's heart softly like a rose-petal, calming him a little. "I am worried about him. Maybe he..." Kaoru could almost see Shinya fighting to keep his countenance. "What? Do you think he would....hurt himself?" Kaoru gasped. "...." Shinya agreed quietly A worried look to Die was enough to make the red-haired guitarist take the keys and leave to pick up Shinya. Not a word was needed between them. A look, a nod, a touch...more powerful than any word would ever be. Kaoru called up Toshiya's keitai. There was no answer. Of course not. He sighed and closed his eyes, hoping to shut out all the world, just for a single moment, but he couldn't. With a heavy heart he dialled Kyo's number. Kyo woke up, still dressed, but at least he had pulled out his jacket. Blindly he fingered for his keitai. "Whoever you are, better have a good excuse." he growled. "Kyo? Toshiya's disappeared again." Kyo cracked an eye and stared at the hand lying in front of his face. He paused for a long time, studying the form of his hand. "Again?" "We are worried. Shinya said...he might try something stupid. The baka has trashed his bathroom." //Trashed his bathroom?// Kyo's looks wandered along with the lines in his palms. "Why do you call *me* then?" "We have to find him. Do you have an idea where he could be?" "Try his parents." Kaoru thought about that. "I don't think he's there." Kyo just knew Toshiya wasn't with his parents. He would be somewhere else. "Please Kyo, I know he has hurt you, but you said he was still a part of Dir en grey. We have to find him." There was authority in Kaoru's voice. It mostly worked on Kyo. Kyo sat up, feeling dizzy. He rolled his eyes just for show and sighed. "Okay, you win. I go look for him." he cut the line without saying goodbye. Kyo now stared at his socked feet. He just didn't feel like finding Toshiya. Why should he do that? Toshiya. Toshiya.... He sighed again. They were friends, weren't they? They looked out for each other. And Toshiya was miserable. Hateful. Bitter. He simply was obliged to go out there for him. And he nodded. He felt he had to. There were places where he could go and check. He stretched and cast a look on his scorpions. "I'll be back soon." he mumbled and left his apartment without a decent shower or fresh clothes. Shinya saw Die getting to him through the wet corridor of the apartment. "What a mess..." he could hear from the guitarist and a small smile appeared on his face. "I'm here to pick you up...check on you. Are you alright?" Shinya shrugged... he really couldn't say if he was alright. Strong arms pulled him into a tight embrace, reassuring. He was there in Die's arms and not alone. No longer alone. In slow motion he let his head sink against Die's shoulder and just was glad that Die was present. "We will find Toshiya, don't worry." The drummer nodded slightly. "I hope you are right, Die." "Maybe we should call someone to take care of this mess?" Die joked dryly. The young man leaned against him smiled. "We should. I told him he should move if he couldn't stand the bath-room." Shinya's voice was firmer than before and Die's lips curled into a loving smile. Then he enfolded Shinya in his arms and gently tugged him along to the lift. Kaoru had called up everyone he could think of. Still there was no sign of Toshiya. Hell, the last three days had been one roller-coaster ride... But now the bad part outshone the good events. He had cancelled three interviews and a photo-shoot, but as long as Toshiya would be back he didn't care. //Come back, please come back.// He resumed his pacing up and down in the office where he had informed the management of the sudden disappearance of their band-member. //Maybe I'm too hard on them? But...// he couldn't stop thinking that it was his fault somehow. That he had failed as leader and friend, ignoring Toshiya's problems and needs, because he had only thought of his troubles with Die. "All we can do is search on, Kaoru-san." a gentle voice stated. "Shinya?" he saw the drummer right before him suddenly. "Maybe Kyo has some ideas. They used to hang out together in strange places." "Don't be so upset Kaoru. It is not your fault. And Toshiya's a big boy after all. He knows to take care of himself." But even though Die had said that, he didn't believe in his own words, neither did the other two. "I could kill him for just disappearing!" Kaoru admitted frustrated. Die and Shinya smiled at the frustrated leader. This was typical Kaoru. The places where they would look for Toshiya were decided and each man was on his own to go look for the lost bassist. "Maybe we should plaster Tokyo with some 'Lost Bassist - Reward' posters?" Die sighed. Kaoru took a long look at his lover, finally saying "Don't give me any ideas." in a matter of fact like tone of voice. Then they parted. Hope lingered in their final waves to each other. Kyo shook his head. He had been to the shops he knew Toshiya had loved so much. He had been to the beauty-parlour. To lots of CD-stores and the little dark shops where you never knew what might jump at you. He wasn't there. Then he had checked out the places where they would sit at night dreaming about being famous, staring up to the uncaring skies. He wasn't there either. //Oh fuck Toshiya. Where did you go you tall hateful thing?// Kyo shook his head. He felt guilt stabbing in the back of his mind. It had to do something with him. He looked around, noticing the kids playing on the streets, a cat was blinking at him with two-coloured eyes. It was so peaceful. When he had lived here he had always longed for a better, more renowned place, but now it seemed very idyllic to him. When he had lived here? //Chotto...// he felt his feet take the well-known route to his long-left apartment. His pace became quicker, he was almost running. Then he took the stairs in long strides. And froze. He returned to the stairs and pulled out his keitai. "Kaoru? I've got him." he said in a low whisper. He could almost see Kaoru's face shining. "I'll take him home with me. Call you later." Then he returned to the corridor in front of the run-down apartment. There on the opposite wall of the door was he. Curled into a tight ball, hair tousled, clothes wrinkled and a little dirty there was Toshiya. Kyo felt relief sweeping through. Toshiya breathed regularly and deeply, asleep Kyo assumed. "You are one fucking crazy asshole." he mumbled and shook his head. Then he sank to his heels and gently shook the sleeping beauty. Shinya felt tears brimming his eyes, after Kaoru had told him that Toshiya was found and safe. Now everything crashed down on him and made him fight with tears and anger. Then he gently held the keitai as if it was Kaoru's hand. A brilliant smile graced his features, after he had turned round to go back to his car. He would see Toshiya again. And then he would really tell him to stop it. And he would make Toshiya understand, that there was no way he could hate Kyo. Toshiya could simply not hate Kyo. Toshiya slowly woke from his uncomfortable slumber. Someone was at his shoulder, shaking him gently. He turned around to notice a mass of blonde hair. The wig again? There was a face under it. He knew that face... Kyo could follow the change of feelings on Toshiya's face. First his eyes were sleepy, taking in information. Then he noticed the blonde singer and his eyes became hard and cold. "Kyo..." he growled, darting dangerous looks at the small man before him. Kyo backed a bit. "Go away, Kyo." "Can't. Promised Kaoru I'd bring you home." "I'm not going anywhere with you. I hate you!" The following silence was bitter and filled with unspoken emotions. Kyo fought against the urge to leave this man sitting here till all Tokyo would go to hell. But he wouldn't . He had to be stronger than that. Toshiya's look was so cold and full of disgust, it was almost like a physical touch. Kyo's voice was almost as cold as he said. "Come on. Let's go." He stood up. But Toshiya didn't move. "Don't dare touch me!" he spit out. Kyo twitched back. "Your hands. I hate them." Toshiya's voice was very low and deadly. Kyo knew his hands. They were not much but why would someone hate them? "Stop looking at me. I hate your eyes." Toshiya buried his head between his knees again. Kyo studied the floor. After a while Toshiya started hissing again. "Leave already! I can't stand you! Your eyes, hands...your ears and nose...get them out of my sight!!" Kyo let the words sink in and then he felt a sad smile form on his lips. But he couldn't leave, right? "Leave! Can't you hear what I'm saying? Leave! Leave already. Now!!" Kyo feared that Toshiya was getting hysteric. "Get the hell out of here you dumb little tweep." Kyo knew now. Right now and here was the time and place to make a decision. They would not leave until this was solved in one way or the other. He kneeled to face Toshiya directly. "Why do you hate me so much?" There was no answer just the grim silence and the low breaths of the two men. "Why?" Kyo inquired again, this time a whisper instead of a full demand. Toshiya's lips were pressed firmly and still there was no response from him. He refused to look at the blonde man beside him. Kyo tilted his head to the side and thought about what he was going to say. He had to mean every single word of it. "Because..." he started carefully. "Because if you really hate me so much...we can no longer work together and one of us has got to leave." Kyo sighed and gathered the most simple words to make them come through to the silent form before him. "And I guess that would be me. I told the others to keep you in." Kyo's gaze wandered over the stone features of the bassist. "You can hate me all you want, but I gotta take you home now. The others worry about you." "But you don't. You hate me just as much as I hate you." the voice was icy. At last Toshiya directed his face back to the small man before him, deadly he appeared. "There's not a single thing about you that I don't dislike." He and the singer stared at each other, matching wills, hate and strength. Kyo smiled softly and bittersweet. "Okay. Let it be so. I'm taking you home to be safe and warm and you will never ever see a trace of me again. I swear." Toshiya felt defeated by this single smile. Kyo was breaking down his defences by giving to him. As long as the singer had fought back, he had known what to feel, but now an all-over weariness was spreading through him. He bit his lower lip, making the pain fight against the lump in his throat and the uncried tears, waiting in his heart. "I hate you.." he whispered, the first tear finding a way to his cheek easily. "it's okay, Toshiya. I know." Kyo nodded in an understanding way, his face sad nonetheless. "I hate your ears..." Toshiya sobbed suddenly, hiding his nose between his knees. "They don't listen to me anymore like they used to." His body was ragged with sobs. "And you never say things to me like you used to. I hate you for that!" There was pure pain in his voice. "And I hate your smiles...I hate them. Don't smile anymore. You should never smile, never! Stop it, stop it!!" Kyo didn't even register when he was pounced by the tall bassist, finding himself locked down to the dirty floor under the firm grip on his wrists and a weight on his thighs The face above him was tortured and wet with tears. "Will you stop it?" Toshiya asked in a raw voice, emotions rushing over his face. "To shi ya..?" Kyo tried to free his wrists, knowing he was normally stronger than the lithe bassist. But now an unknown strength had possessed the younger man and it was keeping him where he was. "How can you still live? How? I hate you for that." The man above him inquired, the beautiful face distorted with anger and hate. Tears fell on Kyo's cheeks and his throat. He gulped. He had no clue what to do or to say. "But what I hate you most for is..." Toshiya paused. Kyo felt the grip on his wrists getting giving in. The eyes of the man above him closed, the whole body rolled to the side and curled back into the tight ball, he had seen when he had come up the stairs. "You've left me all alone!" "What?" Kyo asked, his eyes big with sudden knowledge. But only sobs answered him. "But Toshiya, I've never left you alone. We just parted ways like we planned after we had enough money." Kyo said softly. "I hate you for leaving." the voice was clear between the soft sobs. Kyo pondered that for a second. He had never left Toshiya. They had just moved on. Even if it had meant to part their lives. "Come on I take you home with me." he offered. Toshiya's sobs stopped so suddenly that Kyo was afraid that the man had simply died. But the red eyes looked at him surprised. "Ho..home?" Toshiya asked like a little boy, voice heavy with emotion. Kyo nodded. Then he felt the slender arms of the taller man around him, hugging him tightly. "Home..." he heard a dreamy voice. Then next thing he could recall was Toshiya's head resting against his shoulder, a soft smile on his lips and fast asleep. He gently placed the relaxed form on the floor and fetched his car. Then he tried to wake up the blissful sleeping man, without much success. The bassist only smiled and was not willing to leave his nirvana. His whole self felt exhausted. First the alcohol intoxication and the sex and drugs... He needed rest of body and soul. Toshiya leaned against the smaller man and together they tumbled down the stairs. The blonde man let the tall bassist sit in the passenger seat and shook his head as he looked down into the peaceful slumbering face. Like a little boy. Innocent, fragile and free. He felt the urge to ease the shining hair away from the eyes. "You hate me, huh?" he asked very softly. Then he drove on to his actual apartment. There he repeated the drag-Toshiya-along moves, and he was really glad that he had enough money to live in a building with a lift. The man leaned against him, sometimes the knees giving in and sighing happily. Kyo had to smile despite himself. Toshiya was warm and smelled a little strange. Like a touch of a woman's scent. He probably had another poor girl in his claws. The poor thing. Both of them needed a little refreshment. He felt tired and sore himself, having slept on the couch in his clothes. He managed to let Toshiya slide on the couch and rested a few minutes sitting beside him. Such a strange beautiful picture, almost the opposite of what he remembered of Toshiya naked in front of the toilet bowl. The long graceful figure relaxed in a peaceful slumber, not in unconsciousness. The lips curled in the sweetest of smiles, giving the face a soft grace. Even he had to admit that Toshiya was cute to say the least. He was undecided what to do now. He sighed and covered the elegant body with a warm blanket, then went into the kitchen. He called up Kaoru, knowing the others would be around, probably drinking loads of alcohol to drown the frustration and stress of the last days. A wise decision. But Kaoru sounded rather sober. "Kaoru, I've brought him home with me." "How is he?" "Fast asleep. Like a small boy." There were some noises, as if someone took the phone from Kaoru. Shinya's voice came with a certain urgency. "Kyo?" "Shinya?" "There's no way that Toshiya can hate you." Shinya seemed very sure about that. "Thank you, Shin-chan. I already know. He told me." "Kyo?" "Hn?" Shinya looked at the two men sitting together on the couch of Kaoru's living-room, their eyes glued to Shinya's face. The drummer bit his lower lip. Should he say this in front of them? He loved them, but Toshiya was his friend. He shouldn't betray a friend's trust. He took the phone and vanished in the corridor, leaving his lovers wondering. "Kyo?" "Yeah - that's my name..." "He doesn't hate you...but I think he might like you with all his heart." Kyo felt something inside him grow cold and hot suddenly at Shinya's words. "You must be wrong Shinya." he opposed, in a small voice. "Maybe. But his looks are full of longing." the drummer stopped. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to impose on you." "It's okay.." Kyo mumbled, letting the taste of words melt on his tongue. Die came to look for Shinya. Also he also was curious as hell what secrets Shinya might tell Kyo. "I've got to hang up. See you two tomorrow Kyo." The drummer cut the line and smiled at Die shyly. "What did you tell Kyo that was sooooooo secret?" the older man asked with an irresistible smile. Shinya shrugged. "Mou....Shin-chan...." Die pouted with a mock serious face at his younger lover. Shinya did the most effective thing to keep Die from inquiring any further. He kissed the red-head demandingly. Die laughed out hoarsely. "Did you have telephone-sex with Kyo?" Shinya didn't answer but pushed the guitarist back to the living room, teasing him with short kisses, too short to be answered and Die growled in frustration. Light pushes against his chest drove him backwards to the couch, when suddenly Shinya halted. He smiled very sweetly, while looking over Die's shoulder. "What?" Die asked, disappointed due to the break of their rather pleasureous activities. Shinya laid a finger over Die's lips and pointed to the couch. When the guitarist turned around he saw their leader deeply asleep, head tilted to the side, lips slightly opened. Shinya sat down beside the sleeping form and gently caressed the cheeks, let his finger tips travel softly to the lips. "Sleep well, Kaoru-san." Die felt jealous at the sweet picture, he couldn't help it. When Shinya stole a glance at Die, he saw the dark shadow on the normally cheerful face. "Do you love him more than me?" Die whispered before he could stop himself. Shinya's face was unreadable but obviously he thought about Die's quiet reproach. He shook his head and reached for the hand of the guitarist, pulling him close with ease. Die felt reluctant, pouting a little but then he felt Shinya's breath against his ear. "No. But different. He gives everything and cares about every one. You know how to care for your self and can cheer up everyone. You are different so my love is different. But my love towards you two can not be divided into Kaoru has more of it and you have less." Shinya kissed him softly on the earlobe. Die felt his heartbeat speed up. "I love you two. That was no lie. Let's get this sleeping cutie get to bed." Die nodded. "Do I get you all to myself then?" he asked naughtily, with a cute and lusty smirk. Shinya giggled softly. "You are so naughty." Together they brought Kaoru in the darkened bed-room. Kaoru woke a little. "Whassup?" "You fell asleep." Die whispered. "Toshiya...?" "Is totally okay and safe. You can rest now, Kaoru-san." Shinya cupped his face and kissed him very sweetly on the lips. Kaoru closed his eyes and wriggled closer to his lovers, who were sitting beside him on the bed. "I'm glad.." he whispered and seemed to relax again. The other men looked at each other, and then nodded in unison. They stretched beside the already sleeping form of the purple -haired guitarist and cuddled closer. Limps entangled around each other, the bodies close for warmth and comfort, taking in the mingled scents and breaths of each other they drifted into a peaceful state of completeness. The joy of that calm state could not be described in words only, when it reached their hearts they felt blessed. It was perfection. Elsewhere Kyo had mixed feelings when he cast a last long look on the also sleeping figure of the bassist. Toshiya? //Might like me with all his heart?// the petit blonde shook his head. He sighed. Why did Shinya tell him that? Insecurity filled him with a certain flavour of curiosity and deny. What about this? What should he do now? He shrugged a little and decided he could also take a shower in the meanwhile. So he discarded his clothes carelessly and let the hot water kiss his skin. When he came out of the shower clad in a bath-robe, he heard a knock on his door, much to his surprise. With an annoyed frown he went to open it, hoping it would be someone to take back all words and deeds, turn back time and just let him be himself again. But it wasn't someone like that. It was his girlfriend, Natsuki. Kyo felt weak, confused...first having a strong urge to run and hide. But then he opened the door. Natsuki strode in, smelling like the spring. She opened her mouth to greet Kyo but halted when she noticed his confused face. "What is wrong?" she immediately asked, and tried to get a hold of his gaze. And a very strange feeling spread in her stomach. As if this man was no longer hers. The young woman took out her shoes, came in and cupped the chin of her lover. She smiled at him, but it went unnoticed. He avoided eye-contact. He turned his head away when she closed in for a kiss. A little bothered she shook her head. When she started in direction of the living room, Kyo pulled her in the kitchen. "Shh...you're going to wake him up." the singer urged her. "Who?" "Toshiya...he was lost. Because of me...said he hated me. I found him in front of our old apartment." Kyo stuttered , not finding the right words. Natsuki frowned. "Toshiya-san?" Kyo nodded, his emotional confusion obvious to her. "He said...I should stop smiling at him and get out of his sight, because he hated me. But then he said he hated me because I'd left him alone.." Kyo's bewilderment was expressed with a helpless shaking of the blonde head. Natsuki studied her boyfriend. She liked him. Very much. She had never seem him like this before. He was strange and cool. Tender and wild at the same time. But now and here he was no longer with her. She could see through him with ease. Ignoring his protests she went to the living-room and cast a look at the blissful face of the sleeping man on the couch. This smile was caused by Kyo. Also she just felt Kyo's presence around the young man. Kyo was behind her, a little angry, pulling her back to the kitchen. And she could see it in his eyes feel it in his touch. The fuss he made because of some guy sleeping on his couch. It showed he cared much more than he let on. And is also showed that... He was about to return to where he belonged. And his destination was not her. "I told you, he would..." Her fingers on his lips stopped Kyo from speaking any further. Her eyes were deep and sad, she gulped and began to speak. "I can see. I can understand." she fought with her voice, not willing to sound like a meek mouse. "You make him happy. And he needs you." she agreed on Kyo's behalf by nodding slightly. "No, you don't get.." he tried to oppose but her fingers stopped him again. "It's you who doesn't get a thing." she smiled sadly. Then she gently placed a palm against his cheek. "When I looked into your face I could see it. He's is right here." her hand travelled down to his heart and rested there. The warmth of her hand feeling so familiar. Kyo snorted in disgust. "I'm not into guys." "This is not a guy. This is Toshiya." her eyes blinked away some tears. She was sure she was the strongest of them now. She had to do this, even though it pained her with every word. "And he has been enclosed in your heart before I could even reach there." She gathered some more strength and spoke on, softly, hypnotising. "I haunt the halls you've built for him, fill the space you made for him. I can feel it, because, now...you are no longer welcoming me." She paused, pain written in her face first but then she smiled a wonderful smile, directed at her parting lover. "You care for him and he needs you. More than anyone in this world." Natsuki closed up to Kyo's face, studying him. "So, this is the way you look when you really love someone." her words were lighter now, like she was ready to let him go. "Natsuki..." Kyo whispered. What had she said? No, it wasn't true. Of course he cared for Toshiya the annoying tall wonder-boy, but he also cared for Die and his scorpions. The taller woman in front of him kissed him suddenly with some sort of last time desperation. "Love is not what the dramas want us to believe." she whispered afterwards. "It is horrible, unbidden and twists your heart and soul. It is not all pleasure and happiness. Believe me this one last time, Kyo." "This delicate creature sleeping on your sofa needs you desperately. I don't. I am strong enough to go on without you." She distanced herself from the blonde singer to prove her point. "He is not." She pushed Kyo to the living-room softly. Kyo felt numb. Too many things rushed through his head. The hands clenched into fists, tensed and scared. Badly confused. She noticed his fists, the strong impression of total denial. The young woman sighed, suddenly thinking of something her mother had told her, when she would be stomping on the floor, fists clenched and be very stubborn. Pity was what she had for him. Poor Kyo, he should know what was inside him. Taking his fists, she whispered to him: "A clenched fist holds nothing...an open hand can hold the whole world." He would miss her so badly. The way she treated him so normally. Sometimes without the slightest little bit of respect. Teasing him. Provoking him. And then she would laugh. And the way she laughed was so carefree and strong.. so much like...like... Like Toshiya. He felt like someone had beaten him up. It hurt everywhere. Even outside of his body. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered, almost inaudible. First there was silence. Then he felt her arms around him, reassuring him. "It is okay. Just do what you feel. But I guess that means I have to go now." The arms disappeared and Kyo felt all alone abruptly. "Call me sometime and tell me how you are doing." she croaked out. "You two." She left without another goodbye, ignoring Kyo's pleading looks coldly. Outside she started to run, taking the stairs down, just running and running. Tears gushing from her eyes, but she didn't care. Kyo was left alone in the twilight of the evening. When the darkness had won against the light he went to the sleeping form, finally opening his hands. Hesitantly he cupped the shoulder of the sleeping bassist and gently shook him. "Wake up, Toshiya." he whispered moderately. The man smiled and blinked curiously. "hn?" "It's getting late. You should take a shower. Then you should rest. Better you stay here over night." Kyo lips curled in amusement. "You trashed your bathroom." "Hn? Did I?" Kyo nodded. "Why?" he asked flatly. "I don't remember much. It was annoying." Toshiya looked indifferent towards his ruined apartment. Toshiya sat up and seemed dizzy. His eyes rested on the floor. "Are you mad at me?" his voice was calm. "No. I'm glad that you don't hate me." //Look at the beauty now. Wrinkled and worn-out. How meek he seems.// Kyo forced out a smile, feeling not very carefree but rather strange now in Toshiya's presence. But his heart spoke to his mind. He cared about the man. Natsuki was right. He missed her, but his heart was content with the closeness of this man. He looked at the inside of his palm again, silently, It still was like it had been the whole day. "It really felt like hate. I couldn't control it." Toshiya admitted, still not daring to seek Kyo's eyes. "Thank you for taking care of me." Kyo sat down beside him. "That's all in the past now. Get a shower, I try to find something to wear that might fit you. Toshiya's head turned to him, he was trying to say something but just couldn't. "Okay..." he croaked. Kyo's wardrobe didn't offer much to fit a tall slender bassist. He pulled out a large T-shirt and some track-pants, probably too short for those long legs. And some briefs... Not much to choose from. He himself dressed in his pyjamas. Knocking at the door of his bath-room, he heard a "Come in". Toshiya was wet, clad in some towels he beamed at Kyo:"I feel much better." Without a word Kyo offered the clothes and was rewarded with another shy smile. Then the vocalist waited in front of the door for Toshiya to get dressed. The pants were too short, of course. The two studied each other for a long time. It was dark in the corridor, the faces outlined mostly by shadows. Then Kyo opened his arms and Toshiya was in them within a heartbeat, burying his head in the croak of Kyo's neck. "Welcome home." Kyo whispered, voice raw and vulnerable. Toshiya backed a little, tears glistening on his face. "Finally I'm home." he mused, sadly. "It's been so long. I missed it so much." Kyo nodded. "Me too. Even though I didn't notice." That was what Toshiya needed to hear. He wiped at his tears, one hand caught by Kyo's, then he felt dragged to the bed-room. "I'm tired now." Kyo announced. "Getting you here was really exhausting, you're much heavier than you look." Kyo let go of his hand and crawled under the futon, glancing back at Toshiya with a "what's wrong? Why are you not under here yet?" look. Toshiya followed the invitation and cuddled himself under the futon, not daring to touch the body of the other man anyway. Kyo turned out the light, and in the darkness was studied by the bassist. "I could count the ways in which I disliked you. Your ears, eyes, mouth... and lips..." the voice of the bassist held a rather sensual quality as his index-finger traced the lips of the blonde man. "Toshi..." Kyo stopped as he felt the intense stare. The tall body leaned to him, placing a firm pair of lips on his own, slowly dissolving into a kiss, before opening up to french each other. Kyo felt a little awkward at first having his first man-to-man kiss, but then it was a kiss. He could feel the lips of Toshiya, then he got to taste him. So different from all the girls, dark, musky and desperate. And there was another unknown quality to this kiss. It gave him a totally new idea of the word home. After the kiss they just calmed and Toshiya cuddled closer to Kyo's side. The singer marvelled at the warmth and familiar feeling of their closeness. Consequently he felt his eyes closing and his body relax. "Kyo?" "Hmmm?" came the sleepy voice. "How long can I stay with you?" A knowing smirk formed on the peaceful face. Then Kyo yawned and with an arm cradled Toshiya closer to himself. The bassist was surprised when he felt Kyo's soft lips on his forehead. A feeling of overall protection and belonging swept Toshiya. Cleansed, forgiven.... He really was home now. "For as long as you will need me." the small man murmured drifting right to sleep afterwards. Toshiya's heart unclenched like Kyo's fist and opened up. Ready to hold a petite man within. And the whole world too.

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