NIKA

Hopeless

I know it's hopeless. I know it, cause he's my friend. And we have been friends for such a long time. And a good time too. Sharing the laughter, sharing the hardnesses , sometimes sharing one room, even one bed. But still I cannot help it but want him even though I consider myself irrational. Pull yourself together, Koji. Nothing will ever happen between uns. Never ever. I watch him with amusement, as he is almost hidden behind his beloved drums but still I can see flying drumsticks and weavy hair. Always he is so energetic, mouthing the lyrics in silence, grinning inbetween, twirling his drumsticks. He's surrounded by an air of energy and incredible cuteness. It's not only a stage act, his "genki"ness, I know. He is just like that all the time, full of overflowing energy and bubbly cuteness. At least most of the time, when he's not asleep. But he's cute when he's asleep, he just can't help it, I guess. I try to concentrate on my chords on the concert, already having felt a intense stare of warning of the dark one. He probably will chew me out for being sloppy afterwards. It doesn't matter. He is only worried about me, I know and he's my friend watching out for me. I smile towards him, mouthing a silent apology and feel someone is jumping me from behind, his arms around my shoulders. I laugh. Shuse saw my gloomy stare and probably decided it was time to make me smile. He will do the most crazy things just to do you a favour and never admit them. The smile stays with me from there on. I let myself sink in the lifting feeling of having thousands of people screaming out for you. And the music that takes me in it's arms to sweep me off into a almost dreamy state of excitement. Almost like sex. But not as intimate. Time flies by in this state, even though I feel exhaustion, even though I feel frustrated. After the last tone faded into nothingness I awake from extasy just to feel even more cold and alone than before. I head for a shower, wishing it could wash off feelings and emotions along with the sweat. I towel my momentarily red hair brutally hoping to bring some sense into my head. Maybe even rubbing away strange ideas about my old friend. "Everything okay, Koji?" I hear someone ask and just know that someone is Taka. I glimpse at him from underneath my towel. "Yeah..." I manage. What else shall I say? "Really? You seemed strange enough today." Taka laughs. He looks georgous when he laughs. Dashing and free. I envy him and feel happy that he cares about me at the same time. Better to be chewed out by him than by Hirolyn. "I don't know. I felt suddenly so tired." I try to talk around the real problem. Telling Taka would do no good. Nothing will. It's just hopeless. I have to deal with that fact. Noone can help me with that. "Maybe you should relax a little tonight? Have some fun..." Taka suggests and I nodd slightly. I should have fun. But there is fun and then there is fun being together with him. Taka knows there is no girlfriend in my life at the moment, even though he doesn't know the reason. "Maybe we should go out together?" he wraps an arm around my shoulders. For him at least the adrenalin of the concert still works. "I guess I'm bad company tonight." I say envying him again. He has the look, the mood and an outgoing personality. Taka shrugs. "If you insist on staying gloomy." I nodd. Today I insist. Not only today. But some days are worse than others. Most of the time I can handle it, but right now standing here, I feel more and more like crying. Please don't be nice to me, Taka, it's more than I can deal with. Please go and let me drown in my misery. Just let me die now and here. Taka laughs again, taking my remark as a joke, obviously. Maybe I'm joking, I cannot tell the difference between joke and truth right now. I feel Taka leaving. I let out a long sigh and decide I should get dressed before going out. The others have probably already left, when I'm ready to go. It's unusual quiet. The dressing room is empty. Like I secretly wished. Okay, just go home, calm down. Tomorrow is another big day to bear. Another day just being a few feet away from him and still more far away than ever. I'm just hopeless. How long will this go on? I slide down the wall and hide my face behind my knees and finally cry. There are noises. I look up. "What are you still doing here?" he smiles at me broadly, but there is a bit worry in his eyes. "Levin..." I cough. "We went out to party but you were missing. Hiro was worried, told me you've been off today." His smiles gets bigger. I'm lost. How can he be so damn cute? He lookes down on me, for once he is bigger than me. There is no doubt, that he can see my tearstreamed cheeks and maybe he wonders why I cried. But his cute face lights up. "Come on, Koji-kun. Let's go!" he cheers. I must look like a heep of misery and he is just so happy. Or maybe just pretending to be? "I don't wanna go..." I whisper hoarsely. He slumps beside me, giggling as he does. "If you won't go, I won't." he decides determined. I feel a smile creeping up my face. I can feel his bodywarmth where his leg is touching mine. It feels like being burned there, yet I dare not move. "Taka said, you wouldn't talk about it. But he doesn't know you as long as I do. So I thought, maybe you talk to me." Levin concluded simply and my smile turned bitter. Levin of all people was to ask me what's wrong. It's hard to believe. "Maybe..." I choke. And feel like throwing up. Feel like running and hiding in a deep hole. But I just cannot move, feeling glued to Levin, like a fly to a spoon of honey. He looks at me, expectingly and innocently. This is his worst weapon. This innocent look. It makes my heart race and also a silly idea of protection creeps up inside me. "If I tell you, you'll hate me." I offer a little resistance to this horrible attack. Levin giggles charmingly and shakes his head. "Nothing will ever do that!" he laughs. "Don't be so shy, Koji-kun!" Being shy is what I'm famous for. Being extremely cute, genki and buggy are his special traits. "Tell, tell, Koo~ooo~jiii!" he urges. What can I do but surrender to him? "I..." speaking is hard to do, really hard. "I think I'm in love." I finished, nearly unhearable even to me. Levin bounces up. "Well, that's just the best. Being in love is soooo great!" "That's what you think, LeviLevi!" I manage to keep my grace a little. I wonder if he secretly eats some kind of flubber to keep this steady bouncing up. "But it is, isn't it? You feel all fuzzy and happy. Happy at the most silly things. You walk on clouds and smile allday long. It's just the greatest! I'm so happy for you." he smiles as he describes the wonders of being in love like it is a sunny afternoon in an amusement park. But to me it isn't. It is like a thorny valley, always windig, never ending. The thorns are poisonous and I'm still struggeling to go through even though it would be easier just to give up, stay there and wait for things to happen. But that is not like me, I know myself, I will always keep up hope. And that's why I am hopeless. Sounds weird? Well, I figured. "Calm down LeviLevi..." I try to stop his enthusiasm. His satisfied smile and overflowing sympathy towards me eat my heart up. When I tell him, we will never be like this again. And I would miss being with this lovely bouncing ball of energy. He claps his hand to his forehand. "Right, it's you who's in love, not me." he giggles and slumps back beside me. How can this little man have so much energy? Sometimes I feel like I am already old compared to him. "So~ooo, tell me more, Koji." he urges again, this time a little calmer. The meaning of his words of before sink into my head and I realize he said, he was not in love. I sigh. Yeah, trouble is on it's way to catch up with me. And I guess Levin will not stop pestering me about it until I answer. "The person I like is not interested in me." I offer a guessed truth. He's not in love, he's not interested. "Wow, too bad..." Levin manages sympathy well. At least I can still be his friend. "I haven't even confessed my feelings until now." I continue carefully. "She doesn't know? How will you know if she is interested in you or not then, baka?!" Levin makes it sound so easy. He shakes his head at my silliness. "Common sense." I try to outsmart him. He giggles. "Your common sense doesn't help in love 101." he teaches me. "You must tell!" he nudges me softly to strengthen his point. "Even though that will destroy everything I care about?" I ask Auntie Levin, the wise little love-expert. "Well, it eats you up, doesn't it? And when everything is ruined you still have me to back you up. You cannot win something without risk." Where did he learn that? I snort. What a cheap saying. "But this time it will change really everything, my whole life..." I mumble. Levin ignores that point, smiling encouragingly. "Better do it, or I'll ask Hiro to talk to you." he black mails me with a big grin. Better not Hiro. He makes me feel like a kid, when he stares at me. Okay, it's been strange so far, why not make it stranger by confessing? Shyness be dammed for tonight. Common sense go to sleep. Friendship? Who cares! But I miss it already. "I will, just don't get Hiro, okay?" His glance intensifies on me and I gather all my courage and insanity just to tell this friend of mine that I love him. "You know, please don't be mad at me..." I try to reduce the risk a bit. "I know it's crazy and totally insane. It doesn't please me very much." Levin laughs: "It sounds like you're in love with an ugly witch..." No witch, just a little cute drum-magician. "Not ugly at all. Very cute indeed. And very genki too. With a laugh to move the world." I describe my love. "Wow!" Levin seem enthralled by himself. I smile a little . "I want to get to know her!" he beams and smiles at me fully ignorant. "You already do." I state. He thinks about all the women he has seem me with, trying to figure out, who my secret love might be. He is too cute. Someone help me, I'm really in love with him. "Who is it?" he asks impatiently, obviously not coming to a conclusion. "It's you..." I finally say. Here it is, no turning back now. There is complete silence. His vivacity goes still. That frightens the living daylights out of me. I turn my head to look at him, lacking the courage to speak. He sits silent and his eyes are dull. What have I done? I've been the world's greatest idiot. I've taken him away from me. I'm distgustingly selfish. There are no words, that appear fitting. Unbearable silence stretches to eternity. "It can't be true." he whispers finally. But I nodd. "We are friends." he continues. "Why...you..." he begins and stops before saying anything. "You are mean!" he suddenly growls. Levin angry? It's not very often I get to see that. I stare at him big eyed. "Why did you have to say something like that?" he mumbles, suddenly very sad. "You forced me to." I state simply. "I never ever wanted to tell you." "I like you a lot as my friend." he states "But not exactly love you." Not exactly? My insides are a mess already, I feel burning hot, freezing cold and everything at the same time. The worst scenario has become reality. How did it all come to this? Without his usual liveliness Levin stands up. He looks down on me, confused. Like I'm someone he has never really known before. Well, maybe he hasn't. He offers me a hand and helps me to stand up. I'm surprised. Now, tham I'm again so much taller than him I look down into the troubled eyes of him. How loveable you are, Levin. "We should go home now. We'll talk tomorrow. It's just too much for me now." he whispers. I know that feeling. I nod and Levin leaves slowly. I decide to get home myself. I feel so burned out and empty the whole way. Entering my small appartment turning on the lights, I feel almost normal. I open the fridge, pull out a can of beer and suddenly it hits me. There will be no more Levin for me. Maybe he will start to hate me now. Me and the can of beer drop to the floor together. How will I have to act around him now? I start to cry again helplessly . What will I have to do? Tell the others? Then quit? Facing Levin everyday seems to much for me. While I bathe in misery, my mobile rings. "Hello?" I ask carefully. I can't believe that I hear Levins voice. "Koji, I thought about it and...may I come over?" "Sure..." I whisper in a hoarse voice. "I'll be right there." He's coming over. He thought about it? Thousand of thoughts collide in my head, but solutions won't come. I have to wait. Wait for him and what he has to say. My heart is beating in my throat. I'm thrilled to the limit. I jump as the door bell rings. Here goes nothing. I open the door and Levin stands there, looking quite aware. Maybe he thinks I would jump him and drag him in. But I just show him in, watch him while he pulls out his shoes, now he is even smaller. How I love to simply look at him. Like he lifts my spirit just by being here. Levin knows my place. Without a word he sits down on the sofa. How many nights have we spend here watching Star Trek? "Koji." he mouths my name. I jump again. "The rules are: just for tonight. Tomorrow we will be friends again." What is he offering me? my mouth falls open and I stare at him dumbfounded. "Wha....what?" I manage with some amount of force. He stands up approaches me, his eyes hooded by his hair. Finally he looks at me, a smile on his lips. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into a tight embrace. My senses go numb by input overload. Levin is in my arms. I'm in his, to be correct. I wrap my arms around him, holding him tight, enjoying the closeness. "Baka." he mumbles very low. "Baka, baka..." he continues. He can call me baka all my life, as far as I'm concerned. I freeze and feel myself withdraw. "Just for tonight?" I whisper. "That is right." he smiles friendly. "I don't want to lose my friend Koji." "But that's not what I want..." I whisper below my breath. He will not hear that. Is there a choice? Is there? For me? But this small body feels so perfect right here in my arms. Reject him and having delusions of a naked but giggling Levin in my bed for the rest of my lonely life? Or accept him for one night only? I'm so insecure. Our bodies are already melted into each other as we stand perfectly still. My body already has made it's choice, as I feel growing desire to touch my friend and a raising body-temperature. I gather him in my arms again. He seems to know what he wants because I can hear him giggle. Oh, this sound makes me shiver and smile as well. How many daydreams have I had about this? They fade into nonsense as reality eats them away. Dare I kiss him? Maybe I should? Eat this smile into me for keepsake? He awaits a kiss, already his eyes a fixed on my lips. How cute he is. His lips on mine are incredible. A chaste kiss at first, it deepens and I get to taste his sweetness. And he is a good kisser. This innocence act must be studied well. Innocence on the outside, sin within. Our tongues play a little hide and seek and I feel I'm getting very aroused, the blood pounding in my throat and thundering in my ears. As we part for breath I cannot believe how incredible this kiss has been, but he smiles his cute and genki smile. I smile my answer and softly touch his cheek, my fingers glide down his chin, still my eyes are focused on his lips. I kiss him again, he doesn't resist. I learn how to kiss him easily, when we part again his cheeks are flushed and his eyes seem to be burning. I kiss him again and again, unable to resist. My hands draw him closer to me. We're literally crushed into another. We part and I begin to undress him slowly. He laughs huskily and yet it is his usual laugh. I join him, feeling all light headed for once. I feel like a child as I try to undress him. It's like a game, the seriousness of the kisses is a little forgotten and the desire is fading but the fun factor is so high that I don't mind. I get to touch him anyways. I catch him and tickle him . His carefree laughter heals so many wounds of my longing soul that I feel cleansed. We stumble upon my bed and take up the kissing and laughing again. I finally get rid of my underwear and feel his skin against my skin for the first time. My whole body feels like one big sensitive spot. A flash of serious desire floats through me. Levin giggles as I begin to lick his soft throat. I nibble his nipples and he tastes like a drug to me. More I want of this, more. I'm insatiable. But he makes me act like this. He is laughing as he is moaning. A sound I've never heard before, but it sure is sexy. The way to his navel I cover with short licks and kisses, which make him writhe a little. I shortly wonder, if he ever had sex with a man before. Probably not. I dip my tongue in his navel and turn to face him. He looks at me, eyes shining, face flushed, trces of my kisses still visible on his soft throat. "Are you okay?" I ask breathless. "I feel spoiled." he whispers. Then he pulls my head into a kiss, pushing me on my back. "My turn." he grins as he begins to kiss me, starting with my lips and earlobes. I hear him giggle softly into my ear. How will I ever live on without this sound? My longing enters my soul and suddenly this act seems very sad to me. Sad, because it's not an act of love but of pity. I'm getting a pity-fuck from my friend. How incredibly pathetic. I let my finger slide into Levin's hair, stopping him. "Levin..." I whisper, pulling him up to me. "You don't have to do that. I apprechiate your trying to comfort me, but it feels wrong." I speak these words while feeling his errection next to mine. Idiot! my body screams. Levin looks at me, baffled at first, then he laughs out loud. "Koji, you really are a baka." he smiles and kisses me very tenderly. "I wouldn't be here if sex with you would be just an act of comfort. I don't like that." I'm surprised, he is enjoying this? I feel his arms wrap around my waist an his hands on my butt as he begins to move against me. Wow! I arch back. Wow! This is pure lust. He rubs against me, setting a pace for me to join. I'm more than eager to do so. Inbetween my halfclosed eyelids I see his lusty smile. He's adorable. He's sexy. His soft giggly moans rush like fire into me. I could be like this forever. No I can't. Pressure is building up, I rush towards orgasm. I want him with me. "Levin..." I sigh out. I feel him kissing me tenderly again. A stark contrast to the fast rhythm we're keeping up. That makes me delirirous, I grap him so tight, it must hurt him. "Together..." I growl huskily. He laughs strangled and we speed up together, until I hear him laughing out loud and it is too much for me. I let myself be launched and carried away by my orgasm, hearing only his laugh-scream combination in my ears. As I return from this indescribable trip, i feel the mixture of our come slowly getting cold, myself still clinging tight to this small wonder of a man. He smiles strangely satisfield, like a giant cat. I kiss him. I've never heard someone laughing while having an orgasm. But I've also never had sex with Levin before. And I will never again. Sadness returns with double impact. "Let's head for the shower before we get stuck together permanently." I hear Levins voice. It's a reasonable suggestion, I guess. I feel sticky after all. He grabs my hand and pulls me up. Still filled with energy... I smile a little. The warm water cleans off what was the proof of having sex with him. But still there are his hands roaming my body, and his mouth, sucking on my throat. And I? I can't keep my hand off him. Of course not. It feels too good and completely perfect. Don't think about tomorrow, Koji, enjoy the moment. We giggle like kids again as we towel each other dry. He takes my hand again. Who would have thought that he would be leading me after all? In my bedroom he looks around to gather his clothes. So, that was it? A little glance into paradise and then being dumped into eternal ice? Like I agreed. Tonight only. "The night is not over yet..." I hear myself saying. Am I crazy, after what he offered me I complain? "We have a concert tomorrow, Koji." he laughs. "Even I have to gather energy." I slump down on my bed feeling lost and alone already. He kisses me one last time and I see him looking at me fondly. "See you tomorrow." he says so very casual, as if nothing ever happened between us. I hear him leave. This room, the covers smell of him. I gather into a tight ball miss his touch, body and his laughter. I have to deal with the fact, that having hope for another night like this is idiotic. But I'm like that. I'm hopelessly in love. Telling me to give up hope is hopeless. I'm just...hopeless.

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