NIKA

His Gift

The morning went fast and without any distraction from his ultimate goal of the day: Being ready at 11am. /Great goal/ in his head the nagging acid voice was not resting. /There certainly have been times when I had higher goals than just being ready at 11am. I had dreams of being a musician in a good band. People listening to the music we would make./ They had come true then. /Being happy./ Err... /So, the highest goal left is being ready at 11am. What does that mean for my life?/ Jun buried his fingers in the deep, soft fur of his cat, soaking in the comfort that gesture offered. Feeling the love and the dependence offered to him. "Aiji will take care of you. At least he said he would. Please be nice to him, okay? No claws and no biting unless he asks for it." /Which he does sometimes./ He sneered at himself. /I should not know so much about the sexual needs of my band-mates. I should not.../ A ring of his door-bell brought him back to the carpeted floor of his apartment. At least his own home didn't hold any memories of sexual activities with them. He ran for his baggage, grabbed it and stepped from the genkan into his shoes, giving a last look to his pets: "Take care. See you tomorrow." Outside the small van was waiting, inside a tired looking Takeo, who greeted him in a low, shielded voice. "Hello Jun. Are you alright?" /Am I alright?/ "Mah, I guess so." A smile a la Jun. He sat down and they started driving down to Haneda. Jun stared at the familiar and unfamiliar scenery flying, wiping out every conscious thought in his brain. He was grateful for the silence in his head. But Takeo's tone raised his attention, carefully neutral and disciplined. "You made us worry yesterday." "I did? I'm sorry. It was out of context, it won't happen again, I hope." He offered another smile to the drummer, who wasn't normally fooled by fake emotions, but accepted Jun's gift with a sad grin of his own. "Jun...", Takeo started, but he didn't really know how to put his feelings into fitting words. So the silence remained as an invisible monument for the awkwardness and impossibilities between the two men. It stayed with them, a faithful and steady companion, when they climbed into the small plane. On the flight Takeo read a magazine while Jun just stared on the flickering screen in front of him mutely. /Worried about me... Concerned? Frightened? Why? What do they expect of me?/ He tilted his head, so he could take in the reading drummer, the slightly sad and well-known face. /What do you expect when you see me? An always present smile?/ He turned towards the blindingly white clouds just outside his window. /I try to give you that, but sometimes I just fail./ He closed his eyes and colorful dots danced inside the blackness, mocking him, teasing him. /I just have to try harder then, I guess./ A polite female voice brought him back to the tasks at hand: "Fish or chicken, Sir?" Strangely enough he encountered an appetite for curry, but he chose the chicken, while Takeo considered the fish. Staring into the tastefully arranged dish, he whispered: "I wonder if Aiji will take care of my pets." "Aiji?", Takeo was amazed. "Well, if he says so he probably will." "Who takes care of yours?" "Some woman I know..." "Woman?", Jun was baffled about his own hopeful tone, Takeo gave a half smile. "I regret to admit that she's not my type. She's at least 80 years old, but she lives close by and takes care of flowers and pets for many people. I met her in the pet store, where she was recommended to me." "Oh, is that so...", Jun sighed but grinned afterwards: "Mah, you'll never know maybe there's some life in the old lady after all?" Takeo burst out into laughter, almost kicking over his food. After he regained some dignity he giggled: "Jun, you're really more hentai than Kohta at times." That served to let Jun blush a little. "But I can't really say but I'm more likely attracted to my hamsters than to her." "Well, they can be awfully cute and silky and..." Jun's words trailed off, because without ever expecting to, he felt the fingers of the drummer caress his cheek tenderly. As if he was fragile. "Ta-Takeo-kun?", his throat dried and he felt his heart pounding inside of him, as if it wanted out. "They are", the drummer agreed in a tender voice, and it sounded like 'you are, too' to Jun, who felt himself blushing. It was not Friday. Takeo had never tried anything physical on any other day, any other time than that. Even when he had opened the door for Jun he would be a little distant, almost embarrassed because a male person had come to have sex with him. He was not used to the idea of a male body to give him pleasure and aroused moans coming from a male throat. Jun had always accepted this in the other man. That was one of the reasons their amorous interactions always started timidly, with a lot of reassurance from Jun. But there was passion hidden in Takeo, urgent, wild, fiery passion, that needed to be freed. Yet even lost in the net of lust and primitive forces, Takeo always stayed himself, the controlled, civilized and caring man. So they had never had anal intercourse, their sex was more consisting of caresses, touches and a slow pace. One climax usually left both of them sated, since the foreplay would take most of their energy. /Fridays he's like that and on every other day he's just Takeo.../ In the meanwhile Takeo himself had finished his fish and leaned back closing his eyes, a "do not disturb" sign clearly visible on his forehead. Jun returned to his own food and even though the chicken was probably really good it tasted more like ashes on his tongue. The rest of the journey passed as had so many before, no other crack in Takeo's emotional walls had become visible, Jun felt grateful for the distant Takeo that had opened his eyes after some time. Easier to handle. This was routine, this was what he lived every day, being this man, who knew how to play the guitar and wore make-up for he stage and photo-shoots. Who had interviews and practice. Adored by many girls, who were much too young for him. They wanted to sleep with him none the less. That Jun was a man, who was sociable and cheerful, caring for his friends. He knew that man very well, since there had been a time when that guy had been him. /When did I stop being him? Who am I now then? I AM that man./ Yet in another routine he was a man who had his band-mates undressing him, touching him...entering him... /That has to be me, too./ Sitting there, where people had politely directed him, he felt the emptiness inside of him like a gaping hole. He tried to ignore it. In the hotel, he placed his luggage on the uncomfortable-looking bed and took a look around. /How is it that so many different places all look the same? Or is it just me? Do I see things without really seeing them?/ He sank onto the really uncomfortable bed and waited for someone to tell him what to do, which wouldn't take too long. He was never alone for a long time, not even in his own home, proven by Aiji's sudden appearance on Saturday. Just to prove his point, someone knocked at his door. When he rose, he already knew that there was more than one person out there and it was time for him to head for the radio station. Takeo seemed in a good mood, smiling at Jun, looking a little less lost and lonesome. Lost and lonesome. It wasn't just an appearance. Most of the time Takeo's face showed the truth, just as the man was truthful and just. He was like that in bed, he was like that with everything, attuned to his being. But still there was something amiss for him, Jun knew that too. There was a giant hole in his life and sometimes he used Jun to overlook it. That was all there was between them regarding the sex they had. Solace and replacement caresses, once a week. /Yes, that was all. At least it used to be all.../ Jun turned away from the private smile offered to him and blinked into the sky. The interview was uncomplicated an covered mostly topics like "What movies did you see recently?" "How do you spend rainy days?", no delicate matter was touched. Feeling his spirit rising, Jun laughed and grinned just like he always would. It was easy slipping into the role of Jun from Pierrot, it was simple to laugh and smile, when there was nothing else to do, nothing important to consider. Only when it was over, he found himself confronted with questions and decisions. "Want to eat out together? I know a nice restaurant", the cute female DJ, Hoshiko, asked him with a twinkle in her eyes, curiosity and a certain hunger. Helplessly he stared into those desires projected at him, feeling that he didn't even know if speaking was an already giving the wrong signals. /A female body under mine... Entangled...Me on top, taking her, deep.... I don't know if I should... I don't even know how to anymore... / Before he could say anything, Takeo had agreed for both of them. After a blur of unknown car-seats, unfamiliar streets frozen in twilight and bits of conversation, Jun regained a greater part of consciousness sitting on a comfortable chair, something to drink in front of him and Takeo grinning. Their generous host smiled as well, her eyes always returning to Jun, who suddenly realized, that he had to decide if he wanted to flirt with her. He understood that he could have her, in his uncomfortable bed back in the hotel and do what most men wished for: fuck a cute girl without consequences. /I could touch her skin... Kiss and nibble her breast... I haven't done that in... I don't remember anymore... All I do now is having sex with my friends./ Needy, shy, tenderly rough and hopeful... all sorts of sex. Four types of reasons to have it, forgotten already, buried under the touches and caresses of people in the stillness of a distant room. The end had been achieved while the reason had been lost. So entering this body would no different, make no more sense, just a different type of breath, higher pitched... a female leg winding around his hip... and in the end he would leave, without a note. /More meaningless sex... But what does all that sex mean anyway? Is there a meaning in giving someone's body pleasure and receiving some for yourself? It's nothing. It's profane. Just like...breathing?/ "Jun?", he heard a voice call him. "Huh?" He looked at Takeo, who looked worried and a little bewildered. "You're doing it again", the drummer stated. "What?" "Spacing out... Is there something wrong? Do you want to go back to the hotel?" "I guess... Yes I want to." With these words he pushed away the perfect opportunity, he could almost hear a thousand male voices cry out in anger and disappointment and the woman was also a little displeased, but she let him go. Jun bowed politely and when he was sitting in the car next to Takeo the drummer seemed in a very absurd mood. "She wanted you", he stated the obvious in a cold voice. "I know", Jun admitted meekly. "You could have had her tonight." "I know." "You could have made love all night." Jun bowed his head: "I kn- make love? Takeo-kun, do you know what you're talking about?" A bitter laugh from the drummer: "Of course. Remember last Friday." Jun's head shot up and he gulped: "Last Friday? I don't think this is the right place to discuss Fridays." His glance pointed towards their driver and Takeo nodded in agreement. "Later then?" Jun couldn't agree and fought with words until it was too late to disagree, so he just gave in and hoped that Takeo would just let it be. However, after they had entered the hotel and shared an elevator, Takeo brought the Friday topic back on. "So, why did you refuse that women?" Jun frowned: "I didn't refuse... I just didn't know how..." His words trailed and were lost in the soft buzz of the elevator. An annoying 'ping' made him jerk and they left the silver box behind. "You know...", Jun started again, forlorn and a little sad. "It's not like I don't have enough sex..." Takeo stopped and turned to his band-mate so abruptly, that Jun ran into him. "Ouch!", the guitarist winced. "Why did you stop?" "Don't you want love?" The question was unfair and the normally soft eyes of the drummer pierced through the golden light, his skin alight with a flush. Jun retreated a few steps: "Wh-what? Love? I thought we were talking about sex!" "But, maybe you could have had love. She was cute and witty, she was attracted to you. It could have worked out." The drummer's voice grew louder with every word, leaving him almost screaming in the end. Jun grabbed the arm of his band-mate and dragged him into his room with the uncomfortable bed. There he closed the door behind them, turned on the light and faced his friend with a worried voice: "Takeo-kun, what's wrong? This is not about me and Hoshiko-san, is it?" Takeo sat down on the hard and foreign bed, his shoulder sinking down, defeated and lonely. /What have I done?!!!/, screamed inside Jun's brain. "Will I ever have love?", Takeo asked the unresponsive floor. "Of course you will" His own throat felt sore, a faint trace of acid was lingering on his tongue and unbearable grief fell down on him like a dead weight, knocking him down on his knees. "I won't. All I ever do is use you as a substitute for something that is not there, because I can't face the fact that I will never have the real thing." /I wonder if Aiji fed Rill... Has he found the cat-food? It's the time, she should be hungry.../ He missed the feeling of soft fur under his fingers, something to hold on to. But he was all alone, confronted with his Friday nights and Takeo's ashen heart. "You will find the real thing, I know you will", his voice broke the silence to his own surprise. He managed to fix his gaze steadily on the other man: "And it will be wonderful, perfect and all you've ever wanted. You just have to hold on till then." Takeo held the thread for a few soft heartbeats, then he breathed deeply, as if he was fighting back tears, the guitarist could almost feel them in his own eyes. He sat beside the older man on the still comfortless bed and they sat in ponderous silence, caught in the web of renewed hopes and old worries. "Thank you Jun." It was a soft whisper. "Whatever for?", Jun asked, seeing Takeo with his back arched and a moan on his lips lightening up in his mind for a split second. "For coming on Fridays. For convincing me again every Friday. For making the loneliness less infinite." All words were seemed useless and he was not very good at handling them anyway, so Jun nodded just to show that he head heard. Takeo's hand crawled to his, covering it's aim with a strong squeeze, then the drummer rose and without looking back, he mumbled: "Good Night, Jun.", without ever looking back. When he had left the room, Jun felt throughoutly exhausted, as if he had run all the way back to Tokyo.

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