NIKA

Love For Giving

[964 Words] "Hello, Kirito-kun," the drummer greets me, still staring at the laptop, trying to manage my lyrics for a new song. I looked up to him with wonder, my eyes behind my glasses, fixed on the handsome face before me. "Is there something wrong?", I ask, voice somewhat flat, since I had been staring on this bright screen far too long and felt tired. "I'd like to have a word with you," the drummer says, giving a calm and fine impression of self-assurance. I notice that it was much later in the evening than I had expected, like time had slipped through an invisible hole while I had done nothing much but staring at the words on the screen. "Sure, " I give a weary smile and he nods in his eerie serene way. He sits down beside me and a short, yet tense silence ensues. I decide to shut down the damn laptop when I hear the man beside me say: "It's never that easy, is it?" I wonder what he means. He always says what is important to him or says nothing at all, so I figure this is significant. "What is?", I reply with another question. "Love is." A wry laugh bursts out of my mouth. Then I try to get a hold of myself... Love is not *that * easy? That is an understatement. Still I lack a clever answer and that is the reason I just shrug and grin a little ashamed. But the man sighs since he recognizes I don't get his point. "Sooner or later you'll see, Kirito-kun." What the hell is he implying here? "What will I see?", I decide to examine his remark a little further. I hate cryptical conversations as long as I'm not the one who keeps the other doubtful about the real topic. Yeah, I know it's childish, but I can't help it. "You will see, that you have to release the feelings inside you." He looks earnest, even though I feel like laughing out loud again. "Don't laugh at me, Kirito-kun. I know you have never thought about my suggestion. You think you protect yourself inside by huddling all those emotions into a tight sphere, keeping them safe in the dark, deep enough for no one to get at them, right? The firm surface of the sphere only cracking, when someone close to your heart is in distress." Hey, just because I'm not the romantic type doesn't mean, I suppress my feelings. "But you do. It means exactly that!" Oops, I said that out loud. "You're wrong, Takeo-kun. There's nothing like a sphere inside me." He growls impatiently, like a small dog, then he shakes his head in disapproval. With a swift, graceful motion he turns around, grabs my shoulders and shakes me slightly. "Now listen to me, for once," he pleads. Why is his face so sad? Also, why his voice strained and not angry? I get the sinking feeling, that I'm the one in trouble here. That it is me, who is the one who should be thankful that this guy is making me dizzy by shaking some sense into me. After he lets me go, he states in a very firm voice: "Love is for giving! You can't keep it locked inside of you or it will die." I can only gasp and feel dumbfounded: "Takeo-kun..." "Don't you 'Takeo-kun' me. There's more going on around you than you may notice, leader. You are about to let your chances go by without even knowing it. Sucking in all the love that is directed at you and never giving anything back will not make you a good leader, friend, brother or lover." To my surprise the breaths of my friend come in enraged snorts, meaning he is really angry. And I caused that. The words sink into my brain and yet I don't really understand them. What does he want? Not a good leader? But I do lead them through trouble and triumph, don't I? Always, always...devoted to them. Not a good brother? I think of my little brother, his light-hearted laughs and admiring glances. I tease him often... And no one can say I'm not a good friend! But one of my close friends is angry at me at this very moment end he is the most clairvoyant of us all. There must be some sparks of truth in his words. But being a lover...well...ano... I have sex. Do I really take everything and return nothing? Admittedly, I enjoy attention and admiration. It makes me feel wanted and existent. And I'm used to it I guess, because ever since this little brother of mine showed up in my life I've been one of his heroes. I sigh and suddenly a faint smile tumbles to a stop on my friends lips, giving a little ray of hope to me. "I see you started working out things...", he comments the furrow between my brows. "And I'm sure you will see that I'm right about some things, Kirito-kun." He stands up, looks down at me and says: "I'll take you home. No use to sit around here. Maybe some katsu-curry on the way? My treat", he offers. Warmth suddenly floods through his words right into my desolate state of mind. With a sudden movement I straighten and grin goofily: "Sure!" He returns my smile good-natured with added amusement, afterwards with a soft gesture, he points the way out. I suddenly realize that he is giving me something more than just some fried slices of meat. He is giving his love to me, his mentor/older-brother love. The love he feels towards me. And I hope I can return some of that as our friendship expands, when I follow him out into the threatening darkness.

bibliothek