"Jun, what's wrong?" Aiji closed up to other guitarist.
Jun sighed deep and long, letting out all hope and illusions, looking up to the slender man and smiled a fake grin.
"I'm without a girlfriend again."
"Again?" Aiji's eyebrows rushed together. Takeo appeared out of nowhere and his face expressed sympathy.
"Oh man, Jun. I'm sorry" the drummer mumbled and Jun winced. Aiji shushed the drummer down.
"You should go out tonight, Jun-chan. Let's get wasted."
Jun rolled his eyes. "I don't think so, Aiji-*chan*. I rather be blue than drunk. And I'm not even really blue, it's just...oh I don't know. Maybe I just...have to be a little less... eager."
Aiji grinned and gave him a friendly pat.
"Maybe. Or just don't go for a steady relationship?"
Jun sighed deeply. Then he decided to force a sweet smile at Aiji and try to assure the taller guitarist, that everything was just peachy.
"Maybe you're right, Aiji-kun. It could be that I'm only made for light-hearted affairs..."
He giggled falsely and Aiji looked at the other man quite bewildered.
Smiling with slight worry, he sat down on the worn out couch next to Jun and tilted his head to the side. "Jun-kun?"
"Nn?"
"You're sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, sure. Don't worry Aiji-kun. Maybe I'm getting old and tired, ne?" This time Jun's laughter sounded loud and clear, easing a lot of worry from Aiji's heart.
"I see. That's why you always forget that you still owe Aiji-sama 5000Yen." he joked.
Jun's eyes widened.
"Really I do?"
"Nyahhh~"
Jun sighed in relief. "Yokatta..." He hated owing money to anyone.
Things had to be clear and sorted out. He had been taught certain principles since when he was very small, and he still lived by them.
He smiled at Aiji sweetly, making the heart of the lead-guitarist jump for once.
"Thanks for trying to lift my mood." he stood up and stretched under Aiji's blank stare. " Where's Kirito? Weren't we supposed to practice?"
Takeo reappeared and grinned. "Last I saw him taking some aspirin with a bad hangover."
"He went out drinking again?"
"Kohta took him."
Jun laughed. "Again? Still a little love-sick? Poor Kohta." He shook his head. At least he wasn't the only one with love-problems.
Kohta came in, shades on and head hanging.

"Hi Kohta-kun. How are you?" Jun greeted in a soft voice, smiling encouragingly.
"Oh, shut up..." the blonde groaned, a hand flying to his forehead. "If my brother is any better than this I'm gonna kill him."
Takeo offered some aspirins sympathetically and whispered "I don't think you will have to kill Kirito."
The said entered the room, rather pale and wobbly. "Morning to all..." he whispered, then shooting a glance at his brother, he asked "Are you any better, Kohta?"

"No longer love-sick right now but really sick?" Aiji joked silently, having been the laughing stock of the other guys with his hangover many times. Jun gave him a cold stare.
Aiji shrugged and smiled.
"I don't know." Kohta finally said truthfully. "My head hurts too much."
Kirito half smiled and nodded carefully, not moving his head too much.
Seemed like Jun had no chance to talk to Kirito today.
"Maybe practice isn't the most likely thing to do in your condition?" Takeo asked their pale-greenish leader.
Kirito nodded carefully again. He put a hand over his eyes. "It's so dam bright in here..."
Kirito wasn't very often so wasted, that he really had such a hell of a hang-over the next day, Jun mused. What had happened?
Kirito smiled faintly.
"Kohta, I tell you, next time we go out, I won't let you order the drinks! And make me pay for them too!" Kirito was putting on a fake angry expression.
"I wish those pills would do whatever they are supposed to do..." the leader then mumbled and almost crawled to the mic stand.
As soon as Jun and Aiji made the first tones on their instruments, Kirito groaned.
"Maybe we should just resort to 'write' music instead of playing it?" Jun offered, gladly forgetting his own problems while looking at the pained faces of the Murata brothers.
Kirito gave him a grateful expression and nodded.
"And keep those pills coming..." he joked in a small voice.

Being creative was much more pleasant to the two hung-over men. They even managed to work out a difficult passage in a new song. But finally Kirito gave in an declared the meeting was over. He needed rest.
"And don't count on me going out tonight with you just because your heart is breaking, little brother." Kirito teased his little brother, who looked already miserable enough.
"Not very fair, Kiricho." Aiji defended the bassist. "Poor Kohta..."
Kohta beamed at Aiji like a lost puppy.
"Call Aiji the next time you want to complain the whole night through..." Kirito winced under the loud protest from his brother and ducked away under a thrown coffee-can from a pouting guitarist. Kirito chuckled and Takeo raised an eyebrow.
"Since we seem to be done, I'm out of here."
Jun let out a tiny sigh. His second option of a man to talk to was about to leave. Jun let his head hang a little.
A little glance at Aiji, who was laughing at Kohta's refusal to take his shades off.
Aiji was an excellent friend, but if he would understand what Jun was going to tell him?
Jun shook his head a little.
Probably not.
Well, he would just return in his apartment and wait for another night to come and go. All alone.
Going out for a drink, even when he didn't really like it?
Just for some company? Was he that desperate?
Maybe.
He did like being alone, but not being lonely.
And the thought of going back on his own suddenly seemed unbearable But nobody seemed to notice his distress. He hung his head a little more and studied the worn out floor.
Some friends he had here.
Everyone cared for Kohta, but he was ignored?
Not that he didn't care about the bassist too. He just craved for some attention other than just lifting his mood. Someone who would listen to him, just let him open his heart and afterwards...he would probably feel much better. He hoped for that. Being so ill at ease...it wasn't like him.
He had to face loneliness, he was certain about that. He could bear it. He wasn't like Aiji, who couldn't stand being alone.
Maybe some silence would give him room to think about his current state of mind. Finding out, what happened to his all over happy and careless self.
Getting old perhaps.
Without paying much attention to the fuss on the sofa he stood up and bowed a little.
"Sore ja." he said and left without waiting for replies or someone to stop him.

Was he actually back home?
It looked much like it. His home in Tokyo.
He kicked off his shoes and wondered how he got there in the first place. Save back home.
Save but not certain.

He tore off the sheets from his bed.
Still the smell of sex and someone else than him lingered in there, reminding him of his dilemma.
Getting rid of his foolish ideas.
Making a point in his life for once.
Determining his direction.

I'm not a child anymore.
I'm never going be one again.

Then he threw all of it in the washing-machine, feeling a little better when the machine was working.
Cleaning the way things had been strolling along.
The way he had let them drift.
And him drifting along.
But no longer would he take it.
He had to take things into his own hands at last.

The next day everything seemed normal again. The Murata brothers got rid of their hang-over. Practice went smooth, Jun laughing and playing like he always would.
Aiji noticed this and was glad that the other guitarist shed his more depressed attitude from the day before.
In the break Aiji sat down next to Jun and smiled peaceful.
"Glad you're back to your old self."
Jun twitched a little, then he gave a tiny shrug, glancing to Kirito and Takeo.
Then he sighed.
If they didn't want to talk to him okay so be it. He could handle this on his own, yes.
He didn't want to become a burden to them.
"I guess so." he finally answered vaguely to the smiling man on his right. His frown was noticed by Kirito too, who blinked.
But then Jun smiled in his usual brightness and wiped out all worries again. He stood up and beamed at all of them. "Back to practice?"
Aiji pouted: "Already? Mou, Jun-chan. I thought you were getting older and calmer..."
"And less genki..." Takeo added in a low voice.
Jun sat back down, sipping at a mug with tea. Kohta glared at him. "That's my tea." he growled.
Jun blinked.
The others laughed.
"Whoooo - indirect kiss!" Aiji patted a rapidly blushing Jun.
"Didn't know you had it in you, Ju~uuun." Kirito teased. "Have to doubt your taste in lovers though."
He received two whacks.
One from a flustered bassist and one from the deeply blushed Jun.
"Shut up!" both of the teased men shouted in unison.
Aiji giggled and Takeo chuckled, while Kirito put on his straightest face. Then he stood up and put both hands on Jun's shoulders.
"You have my blessings." he told his friend, in his most serious voice.
Aiji and Takeo rolled on the floor, helpless with laughter.
"Wa..?!" Jun screamed out in horror. Kohta was beside his brother in a second and whacked him again.
"See? He's defending his lo~oove." Aiji sniffed, tears of laughter running down his cheeks, while Takeo crawled back on the couch with some difficulty.
This time Aiji got whacked
"Shut up!" again Jun and Kohta screamed in unison, this time at the guitarist.
Aiji chuckled on, ignoring the death glare directed at him. Kirito had also dropped to his chair and was suppressing some serious laughter.
"How long has this been going on I wonder?" Takeo added, still fighting with some giggles. "Since Kohta-kun was so love-sick, Jun-kun might refuse him sex nowadays?"
Again two whacks and a loud "Oh, shut up!"
Laughter raised again and Jun was still red as a tomato.

Why did they always tease him?
Why did he let himself being teased?
He should become more like Kirito, ignoring everything with the world's straightest face and ramble about it afterwards.

Shyly he dared a look at the enraged Kohta, who had a firm grip around Kirito's slender throat, glaring at his older brother with a frightening cold stare.
But he would never hurt Kirito, Jun knew.

Why couldn't he defend himself, like Kohta?

/I'm just so damn weak. Easy to bully. Even my reaction seem only entitle them to tease me some more./

Why was there no one rooting for him?

Even though this episode had been amusing in the whole, it had proved one thing to Jun:
in some ways he was alone among them, the weakest link in the chain.

He looked at his still amused friends. This time he managed another smile. Another Jun-like behaviour.
And wasn't he Jun?
Right.
Smile Jun smile. Or else they will worry.
Don't let them think this might have hurt you.
You are not that fragile, Jun. You will not break.

Looking at his feet first, seeing his rather new sneakers, trendy.
Jun-like.
Predictable, a little dorky. Childish to some extent.
Biting his lips he felt endlessly stupid.

Then he rushed out of the room.

"Jun?" Kirito asked too late.

Jun held onto his guitar. He bit his lips and shook his head.
/What's wrong with me? I wasn't hurt that deeply before. I'm so childish. It was just a joke./
He tried to smile at the thought of kissing Kohta even if it was indirect. It had to be funny, hadn't it?
His smile was a tired one.
This was much more like he was feeling. Strangely tired of himself and this "Jun", guitarist of Pierrot.

He looked again at his feet and his brand-new shoes.
/I need a new pair of shoes. Maybe I find a new me as well? Buy me a new ego, strong and defensive. Maybe just like Kirito is? Can I purchase you, Kirito? Rent is okay too./

What was this thought for?

Jun closed his eyes, his ears and his self.

Just before Kirito entered.

"Jun?"
There was no reaction, just a slightly tired and pained face with closed eyes.
"Jun? Hey, Jun?!"

Kirito reached out to touch his mind-absent band-mate, but Jun shied away before he could even lay a finger on him.

"Kiri...Kirito..." he stuttered out, blushing and avoiding the intensive gaze of his friend. "Don't scare me like that..." he giggled nervously.

The intelligent man's eyes slimmed. "Is there something wrong? I'm sorry for making fun of you..."

"It's not that. Things are pretty hectic and we are all very busy, I'm just stressed out." Jun excused himself in his usual manner. Then he laughed insecurely and in an hoarse tone. "It's just...my girl's gone again, you know. Just yesterday."

Kirito remembered the girl, for he had seen her once. Very young, pretty, same big eyes as all the others. She had been a fan, as far as he remembered. But weren't they all?
So that's what had been bothering Jun?
"I'm sorry for that, Jun."

Jun shrugged uncaring.
Had that been yesterday?
It appeared almost like an eternity for him now.
Sadly enough he didn't even miss her. He would like to miss someone for once. At least knowing why his heart was out of order. Having feelings of some depth.

"It's okay, I guess. I don't miss her at all." A distorted laugh hurt Kirito's ears.
Kirito was surprised. Jun was always sad when another girl went away.
Now he seemed so down, like it wasn't about the girl this time.
And he didn't say anything. Not a single word now.
Strange.
He just sat there, guitar cradled in his arms. looking lost and like he didn't want the world to catch him alive.
Then he granted Kirito one of his smiles, that seemed so right. So very light and true.
Perchance his voice was a little bitter, but then again, he had been dumped.
A big question in his eyes, now directed at his friend:
"Maybe I'm just not the lucky-in-love type, right?"
Then he chuckled in a soft way, scaring Kirito a little.
The younger man stretched a little, shedding his depression like a dirty shirt.
He grinned again and turned to the door, still clinging to his dear guitar.
"Where are the others? Weren't we supposed to practice?" he laughed.

Was he saved or lost?
Kirito wondered.

During the rest of the day Kirito couldn't find any opportunity to talk to his old friend, because every time he saw a chance, Jun busied himself with talks to Takeo or Kohta.
Kohta laughed with Jun in a carefree way, showing his teeth and dimples.
Jun could do that to people.

But there was no right time to talk to him and Jun was gone as soon as practice was over.
"Had to prepare something." Takeo explained to Kirito, when he searched for Jun afterwards.
What was there Jun had to prepare?
Takeo shrugged and Kirito suddenly saw that Aiji was next to him.
How did he ever get there?
"He needs time to himself probably." Takeo looked at Aiji questioningly, after all, he spent more time with Jun than Aiji did and he tended to believe what Jun said. He had never known the open guitarist to be much of a liar or much less pretender.
"His girl's gone and now he feels like no one loves him. Until the next girl. It's always like that with Jun." Aiji explained his theory.
Takeo and Kirito looked at each other. Why did Aiji sound so sad?
Kirito rose an eyebrow. Well, that could offer an explanation to the strange behaviour of their guitarist.
He decided to give the other band-members some reassurance.
After all, he had known the guitarist before the concept of Pierrot had even been born inside his and Jun's mind.
"Aiji's possibly right. Let's just support him until he's better." he offered, hoping that sounded leader-like and determined enough to ease their minds. Giving Jun room for whatever he was doing. He hoped it was the right decision.
Aiji smiled at him, again with his usually expressive eyes dimmed to a small fire.
"Whatever you say, Kiri-chan."

How many pained faces was he to see still, Kirito wondered.

The next day came and everyone was especially nice and supportive to Jun, to Jun's very surprise.
"Is something wrong?" he asked Kohta in a low voice, when instead of teasing him about the way he had insisted to repeat the one part three times.
Aiji seemed so distant, everyone was strange.
Jun considered this.
Maybe it was just himself taking a different look at his band-mates?
His imagination playing tricks on him?

He stood on the stage, from where they would entertain the masses, that were coming to see them, in a few hours from now.
It was empty, gaping hole. As if a hungry monster had already devoured the euphoria of the last event right out of its heart.

/Am I referring to the hall or my heart?/

He wondered, gracing the others with a forced smile, hiding a sudden rush of dismay

/Don't think about that, Jun. Think positive./

He smiled again, a little broader, looking at the other band-members, helpers and strewn people directly. So they see that he was Jun, the smiling cute and carefree Jun with the Jun-like attitude.
And that he was still Jun, and Jun would not be sad.

So why so sad?

But it was not really sadness...more like a sad excuse for being so pathetic and childish.
HE was locked up inside himself.
A prison build up from his own established character.
Bound to the laws of his own laughter and performance.

/So...here I am./

He laughed a little to himself, pondering if it was really a laughter or some kind of cry.
And if anyone would know the difference even if it was the latter. If anyone wanted to hear the variance.
And it sounded like laughter to him.

So he did it a little louder, giving a general free and good mood to anyone.
And he did a skilful job.
No one ever knew the desperation from the light-heartedness.

When the evening came, Jun dressed himself, readying his nerves for the concert. He loved concerts. The screaming, the chance to sing...be what everyone thought he was and his real self merging into one being, standing there, knowing exactly what he had to do.
And Takeo was always heating up the members, because more than anything he loved playing live.
That was so elating.
He got into the whole feeling of it and forgot worries and self-doubt, After all, he was a musician and now they had the chance to give some of their hearts to the people waiting for them out there.
Kirito was checking his make-up, practising his emotionless appearance, but ending up making faces to his own mirrored image.
All seeing that started to giggle or laugh, including Jun.
A real laughter came from his heart and he had almost forgotten, how it felt during the two days before.
Shedding his worldly problems, he began to stretch a little, his example followed by Aiji, who smiled at him with appreciation.
"You really seem fine now, Jun-kun." he stated. Jun's eyebrows flew up.
Should he agree?
He just stood up and shrugged. At least he wouldn't lie to Aiji this way.
He didn't like being untrue or pretend to be happy like he did already.
But much less he liked worrying his friends.
Aiji smiled again, closing up to him, relieve written all over his features. "I'm glad."
Just pretending to be alright made Aiji cheerful? Jun nodded overwhelmed.
"Shall we go clubbing then?" Aiji suggested, having missed the man at his side for so long, the way he could tease him looking after some girls and Jun reacting in the most embarrassed way, blushing and getting all giggly.
"Maybe." Jun half-agreed hesitantly.
The he gave the other guitarist a shining smile, making Aiji's heart jump again, right into his throat, beating there like crazy and making the taller guitarist wonder, just what he felt for Jun exactly.
"You just want me around, so I can drive you home after getting drunk, because I don't like alcohol, right Aiji?" A very small giggle, drying the other man's mouth and lips immediately. "I would like to do that again."
Then Jun's features straightened from cute and cheeky to serious and handsome almost in a flash. "Sometime..." he added, as if he had forgotten something important.
Aiji hadn't really noticed the change and nodded happily, bouncing away to get a good last look at himself, trying to be a gorgeous sight for the lusting audience.
Jun looked after him in amusement. Friends were really something...

"Everyone...another 10 minutes, okay?" he heard from somewhere.
10 minutes between reality, dream, illusion and him.
Takeo did some drums on a chair, so he flopped on a chair next to Kohta, who stared into nothingness. He joined the empty watch, noticing the activities around with a foreign detachment.
Kirito looked concentrated, helpers hurried around, music blurred from distant speakers, the voices of the fanse like waves from th ocean, hitting his ears and then it suddenly was time to go.
They gathered in the traditional circle, himself between Takeo and Kirito, amrs on the shoulders of the others, ducking.
A ahort moment, just the five of them.
No one was able to come between them.
He heard Kirito's word's but couldn't understand them clearly.

/A good show. Give our best.
I will. I swear./

"Ikou!" A loud firm shout and all replied "HAI!" in unison.

And they went, firm strides.
No room for doubts there and for the next hours.

But they would return.

And that was why he had taken things into his hands.

You can do it, Jun.
His ears were deafened from the cheers of the people.
And so was his heart.