And then there is Jun.
I can almost say, that's it about him.
'Jun', nothing more.
But that would be lying to myself.
No matter how much I enjoy to fool myself, hate myself and ignore that I'm me, I cannot do that do him. Even though I try hard at times.
The first man at whose side I got used to fact that me and someone else made up a unity called: "Pierrot". Who looks at me with a steady, unbreakable faith.
Despite the fact, that I've got to know him first of all of the other members, except Kohta that is, we are not as close as this may lead you to assume. We are friends, yes. And band-mates, yes. We share short meaningless private conversations and difficult decisions about the band. And then we don't really talk to each other at all.
At least, I don't exchange much words with him, but I guess he doesn't notice since my brother loves him. To an extent when it becomes mindboggling.
In fact, if there wasn't that love for girls in Kohta's life I would have betted on my brother to make Jun his lover.
Strange, how much he loves this small man with the pointy chin and the always convenient laughter.
Jun has taken a place beside Kohta, and smokes while playing 'jun ken pon' , I don't know why they play. I watch his hands, decide that they are looking really nice. And I know how they feel, when they give comfort and warmth....
I wonder why I don't talk to him.
Everyone likes to tease him, because he is easily hurt, it's more like marred, since the thing he craves most in his life is trust. It's essential to him. To trust and be trusted.
He's grown up in a family where trust was strong, also it's just the thing he needs. From me, from anyone.
Some months ago Jun visited me and asked me, if I was still his friend and I realized, that I am indeed his friend, because he is so much more than just a band-mate.
He makes me believe in myself, my talent and the band.
He takes away my self-hate before it gets out of hand.
Once he tried to talk me out of my diet plans, assuring me I looked just fine the way I was, I wouldn't have believed in such a statement from anyone else but him. He is sincere, upright...but weak.
And he trusts me with all he is. His whole self believes in me and whatever it is he sees in me, that always puzzles me, because I don't see as much in myself as he does.
He pours himself into me. Giving me his love, admiration and all his of his strength. What scares me a little is, how much I'm dependent on these treats.
They induce me to make him stay at my side. Make me give him a path to follow.
We don't have to touch, we don't have to exchange verbal shadows for this.
I'm a devoted leader ever since he suggested I should be the one to lead him and the others.
"Hey, Kirito-kun", I hear his boyish voice, always a little hoarse. "Why are you staring at me like that? Did I do something...strange?"
"Nah...just captivated by your pretty face", I joke before I can even think about it.
He blushes furiously it is a sight to see. My brother stares at me, Aiji chuckles and Takeo just shakes his head, like he is a gentle father who sees his children playing silly but harmless games.
"Mou, Kiritoooo~", he buries his reddened face in his hands and wails a little. The others laugh, even my brother is giggling. How cute can one guy get? Now you can see why we all like to tease him.
Later, when we are about to leave, Jun holds me back: "Why do you always have to tease me?"
"I don't know", I answer not all that truthfully. "It just sort of happens."
He rolls his eyes and I know that there is more to him than cuteness.
Our Jun is not all smiles and happiness, he is gloomy and sad at times, tends to spend time alone, buried inside himself. But those are the times, when I feel more drawn to him than in his sunny days. He is everything I can't find in myself. Even though he always assures me that is not true.
"I didn't mean to hurt you" , I offer a lousy excuse.
"I know...", he casts his eyes to the floor, a timid smile gracing his sad and fragile face. "I know, I really do. I just sometimes wish you wouldn't."
Don't you know you can make me do anything? You make me what I am, to shape you into your form. Does this make any sense?
"I try, okay?"
He nods and shrugs. "Hopeless anyway..." And then there is his trust directed at me again, his love.
And in this moment he is closer to me than anyone in the world, even my own brother.
We drift together and apart, like some twin stars in a bizarre orbit.
And just like those stars we cannot gravitate away from the other completely.
The moment is gone, and he gets his stuff and leaves, in his boyish, energetic strides, while the words "My Jun" choke me.